DEATH ESCAPES ME

Well this sums up what I've been doing all day ..

"Something I see so much amongst chronic pain sufferers (I’m guilty of it myself) is a desire to hide what we’re really going through as much as possible. It happens in so many situations for myriad reasons. I understand that putting on a brave face and concealing our suffering is an essential management technique for many of us, but I’ll end this article with a plea: please don’t try to be brave all the time. No-one can carry the weight of the world alone. No-one can deal with the most painful condition there is without getting some support sometimes."

The part about putting on a brave face is what I've been doing for a week .. maybe two?

I've been doing it today and I don't know how I've kept it up, if I've kept it up at all that is?

But I'm .. now annoyingly close to the edge and yet I'm still braving it and hoping tomorrow goes well and there are no .. complications.

I'm praying that if I make it things will calm down but this Australian Flu crap is really doing its fourth number on me in a little over three months. I definitely had it as early as October but .. that's only because of a post I did that I have that month in my head.

Things are going to fail .. it just always goes that way.

My stupid fears I don't understand and I am fed up with. They make no sense and feel like they are trying to kill me slowly or give me a heart attack.

I keep telling myself that whatever happens at least I tried to help. I tried to do something for someone else. I feel like I've failed, I'm told I succeeded .. to a degree at any rate.

But this is just way too much and I am staggered that my heart has not given out .. it certainly can't be good what's its going through right now.

I don't know my way around and I don't know the transport system plus I'm .. well contagious with this damn Aussie flu.

I can get confused on familiar places and have done so in the past .. now I'm in a very unfamiliar place a long way from home.

I also have terrible motion sickness and .. umm think I put Metaclopramide in my pocket just in case?!

I am praying for death tonight but I bet it escapes me because it seems I'm destined to carry on suffering.

Hence praying for death .. is the only thing on my mind. 'My mind' is a funny tern to use because it's my mind that seems to be it's own worst enemy.