DREAMS KNOW NO WALLS

It is 7am.

I lie here nursing yet another broken heart.

How did this happen?

It has been fourteen years!

I have had a very solemn twenty four hours which only increased to levels beyond that I have known for a very, very long time. Well on the subject of love, that is.

Yesterday while I was out and about performing various chores while finally remembering to grab some caffeine laden tea for the first time in a week I remembered something from my past. It was something that when remembered was excruciating.

In my university days I had up something of a barrier. A barrier that had started to go up every now and then. I had got … talking to someone at the university … a woman … a very nice woman. Due to a fear that had started to build inside me by way of previous events I was a little too nervous. It caused me to make a stupid mistake. A very embarrassing one.

That was, my word, 18 years back now.

Remembering my mistake caused me to wince internally as if it was just yesterday. I had long forgotten that.

Last night I had a disturbing dream. It involved me falling in love and in my dream this was … simply bliss. I had not felt this for the longest of times. It was involving the woman I mentioned. In fact despite eerily familiar the lady in question was not from my history.

Maybe someone I had seen in the media I had thought was perfect? I do not know.

Just as bizarrely she was knocking on the door of a friend I lost several years back. She had asked for something and we went around to take what she had asked for, think it was pizza? Our eyes locked far too many times to be a coincidence and she enquired about me.

Upon leaving I had only gotten 100 yards and I had to go back … had to give her my number. She seemed overjoyed that I had.

We saw each other regularly and the passion and romance was like putting a match to a field of dried grass and the relationship consumed me and I was only too willing to let myself go. Not something I have done in reality for a very long time.

Then something happened that things are a little foggy about.

There was another guy at some point and we had not seen eye to eye on something. He was jealous of the exquisite beauty I was wrapped up in. He made a series of remarks about her while my back was turned and I noticed she was lapping it up just as she had done with me.

My heart severed down the middle from end to end when I realised that she simply loved attention and what I thought was love for me was nothing of the kind.

I started to wake up. Feeling another heartbreak taking place was likely too much and I had somehow jolted myself awake. As I was coming around there were further flashes.

Briefly I had fast forwarded in time to a point that my lady of exquisite beauty was alone and sad. I was bewildered by the picture in my dream. I delved deeper into this to discover that she herself had a broken heart. As I enquired into this realisation it became clear that her broken heart was over losing me.

I had been different. She had not realised this at the time. She had when I was gone.

I was awake.

I was nursing a broken heart.

How did this happen?

More importantly, why did this happen?

It is 7am.

Walls have little effect in dreams.

Quite why I have been through this 24 hour period of love recollections I do not know. I find it both bizarre and intriguing in a scary way.

I am days away from my life being rocketed skyward.

For many months afterwards a great many things will change. It will take six months to a couple of years before things settle down.

I then have to begin the process of repairing the long list of damages created by various public services they have spent twenty years destroying.

Some will be lengthy.

Some will be expensive.

Some things will be irreparable.

Many things I have divulged. Some things I have not.

But by the end of it all and by the precious little I hold dear I swear that they will all know and that they will have no room for manoeuvre and no where left to run.

The countdown has already begun.

THE DREAM VILLAGE OF LOVE

It is a Saturday morning and I awaken sit upright with my hands spread to the side and wonder what in the world is happening to me while a single tear meanders onto my cheek before drying.

I have just had the most vivid dream. I just spent the night feeling deeply in love more than I have done for a very long time. It is the third of three dreams I have had of late and the very core of the dream is something I have not dreamt about in a very, VERY long time indeed.

LOVE!

This time the dream was different. The object of my desire happened to be someone unknown to me and not that of someone of my past?! The deep down feeling, longing and love was greater than that to which I have ever experienced before. I know not to what is happening to me of late.

This dream not only has someone new, though has a similarity to someone I do know but only seen once in ten years, but it has a vivid setting too. I am in a typical English country village complete with the village green. It is picturesque and summertime without being too hot. I am standing near he corner of the green speaking with an attractive and slim woman with long dark hair. She stands about five foot six inches tall and it becomes obvious she is into me in a big way as I am her. I sense this quite strongly frm the way in which she speaks softly and her body language along with the look in her eye as she gazes at mine. I feel an inner warmth as if my heart has become that of the sun that spreads slowly through my chest to bursting point. I am surprised that I am not glowing from the intensity of the feelings I am experiencing. It is a beautiful place to be.

The scenes flash to and fro and we do things together and in different places. Another time there is a foot path and I see her walking with her family, who themselves are now already familiar with me. I join them and put my arm around this dreamy girl that in one night has stolen my heart. Her mother simply smiles at us.

Another time we are at the very picturesque café on the green but it is closed. The windows are made of of tile like glass and look of a period in time that is gradually fading. The store is closed and empty but my new found love possess the key and we enter within. As we enter I enquire as to how she has the key and she explains that the store belongs to her mother. We sat and chat about which I know not and I am gazing out through beautiful panes of glass across the elegant and stunning view of the village and its expanse of green. The feeling of love and belonging feels my soul to a stage of contentment the likes of which I have never known. I feel I am home. I feel I am at peace. I feel goosebumps. I then realise I am living my perfect life with its perfect setting in the most desirable way imaginable to me. I wonder if it is real.

The scene changes and suddenly I am walking through the village and I see a site of my love as she enters her home. It appears she has not seen me or has failed to notice me. I am confused. The scene shifts again and this time I am walking a similar path and the love of my dreams is entering her mother's cafe and again I am not noticed. I ask myself why again. The scene shifts again and I see my love with her family walking that same footpath as we had done previously. This time no one notices me. It is as if I no longer exist. My analytical mind ponders the possibilities. I wonder if I have done something to hurt her? But there is no glances and no expressions on their faces. It is as if I have become a ghost. I wonder if I have died by no one looks sad. Have I been erased from time? Am I seeing the life I was meant to have but some mishap or intervention changed the course of history to the reality I truly know but am choosing to ignore?

The scenes continue to change and in each it is the same. It becomes torture. The warmth and intense love I feel seems to be gradually and forever ebbing away from me. I do not like this and the fear engulfs me like a dark shadow. I am desperate. I do not want this feeling to go! I have not felt this for so long if indeed I have experienced anything like this at all. I will do anything to hold onto it but it is not within my power to do so. I have no input at all and the views in my dream become merely that of moving pictures.

I so want to communicate with her. I so want to tell her how I feel! I know not how to. I see her but I already miss her. I know not even her name. I am sobbing and on my knees and then suddenly I am bolt upright in bed, my hands spread out upon the mattress breathing heavily as I feel a tear traversing my cheek and drying as it edges ever further.

What is happening to me?!

Have I been without love for too long? Is ten years more than any sane man can endure without love? Am I sensing perhaps that something is about to change? Do I think that is even possible? Is it possible that my increasing confidence is showing and that perhaps that will change something? Maybe others will pick up on this? Pray to God that SHE might pick up on this?! One thing is certain and that is that I will not forget THAT dream any time soon!