I THINK I'M TURNING JAPANESE

That's a line from a song from my childhood.

It's funny really add I know I probably give out the wrong impression and as such get falsely labelled? But I don't care.

I'm very big on facts. It's the scientist in me.

People .. or groups can try and stick as many labels as they want but .. of they won't stick them they simply won't stick. Sorry.

I didn't care and never cared because it would all come out in the end .. down the line. No one that I've ever met would ever agree to any labels they tried to stick on me.

Of course that means people being asked that have known me. Which invariably would result of I died and it was very .. public.

The truth is I just want everyone to treat everyone else the exact same. Fairly, that is.

The sad truth is that they don't.

The scary truth is that these people sometimes form patterns or .. groups.

The horrific truth is that some groups, one Ajay referred to, get treated way, way better than others.

The terrifying truth is that's it's become fashionable to treat a group badly and even a particular gender of that group!

The historical part of that is, oh and it will become so in time, is that this mistreatment has been going on a long, long time.

I know because not only has it been going on with me and for over twenty years but I've seen it and heard it in other over and over and over again.

To be honest I think those responsible are a little bit terrified. Because of the Internet. Because of social media. Because of the huge uptake of smartphones. We don't need to rely on the mainstream news media any more. Especially as it's now been both proved and obvious that they are corrupted and help hide things while also helping in the control of the mindset of the population.

Ever stage right .. fake news. Or the blatant stealing of a popularised phrase to cast doubt on the truth.

Case in point: BBC manages to hide the paedophile ring crap that was headed by Jimmy Savile for years. Now they want to throw bricks at the windows of truth tellers when they live in a greenhouse Kew Gardens would be proud of.

I have endeavoured for nearly six years to make people aware of the truth because in my view this is the best way to stop what is happening.

Unfortunately this has not happened quick enough for many. Hundreds of thousands of people have died at the hands of one public service alone. It may even be beyond a million if you take into consideration all of the public services?!

Hatred and anger had built up because of the neglected group.

Ooh yeah .. they will be attending their with their piles of labels using excrement as an adhesive to stop the truth from coming out. Almost everyone appears to be at it. Into reporting something now and then on their sidelines to hide the fact they are ignoring the bigger picture and, of course, the truth.

People and things can only change when everyone faces to to the truth.

Instead I hear almost daily of people being treated and spoken to in the most appalling manner. They also get bare faced lied to added to everything else. Information that would otherwise be extremely helpful is also not forthcoming.

Sadly most of that is experienced by my daughter and the rest is me. I am not in contact with many people. Trust issues, would you believe?! Don't trust the few I am in contact with. Forces me to ask myself why I've done this for so very long!

But I just want everyone to be treated equally.

I knew a very long time ago that they wasn't and I knew, as anyone I know would inform you, that I predicted a very long time ago that down the road in ten to twenty years this country will become a living hell-hole.

I even stated that if it continuous on long enough a revolution might even be in the cards?!

If there is any of us left, that is?!

Sorry bit technically it is racism .. though some actually argue that this is not possible and should not be labelled as such.

Odd then that I see them use the term like confetti in situations where racism is simply not the case.

The truth is this attitude fuels more racism.

OK so I get angry and say things but this was deliberate. I have just said a few things .. said a few things .. said .. are we there yet? Others will do a lot more than say a few things and this will get far, far worse, trust e on that.

I .. we .. are beginning to feel like we are hated.

THE MANY ANSWERS

Well I have been at it a little more in the last few days.

There are several things to sort out still but I am getting there. I have managed to do several things in the last few days. So this week it has been solicitor, bike, blog, DWP and a little sorting out of my storage facility.

So four things in a week and a little re-arranging. Not all re-arranging required but somewhere close to half of it.

There are other things that have occurred but am not going to go into them at this time .. due to safety reasons and a few other things.

I still .. think about someone and I do not think that will ever stop .. but there may be an answer to that one. A light at the end of the tunnel, if you prefer?

I cycled ten miles yesterday and two things became obvious .. I was not going to make it and .. cycling is what causes the stinging and aching in the area of my inguinal hernia repair. I had always strongly suspected it but .. after not having been bothered by it for many months, five maybe, it was back yesterday.

I did get back in the end, with some walking along to let my legs rest, but I kept collapsing after I got back as my left knee was striking with pain every now and then trying to crouch down. Odd as there is a physical issue with my right knee, as spotted by two NHS Orthopaedic surgeons that was later omitted from any report. No, this was my left knee in pain.

Of my tasks .. there is one I need t do myself and one someone else is supposed to do for me and another I need help and a van for.

The one I can do myself .. will take time once it is done. But I will need to do it and so it is something I will do very soon.

As for the journey yesterday .. I forgot that when I did it there were puddles everywhere and I had originally intended to wait a few more days for them to dry out. The weather app on my phone stated that it was supposed to remain dry from Thursday, 25^th January, to Monday 29^th January. Except today it states something completely different. Tomorrow it is supposed to be raining?!

The other thing I forgot about the journey is that as soon as I got down to the river path a wind was blowing straight at me. This got stronger and I had several periods were it blew fairly hard and one where it stopped me altogether. That was despite the fact that I had been in a very low gear and on my smallest chain ring. I never ride in the smallest chain ring and nor do I use such a low gear either but that is what I did for the entire journey.

Not heard anything about the car .. which is becoming a trifle .. worrying. Everything else could have been sorted with that and I thought that at least by now I would have heard of a couple of people enquiring.

Has me doubting it has even been advertised which considering I have been back here awhile now and got many other things done .. is somewhat confusing.

I have also managed to work out that when my anxiety dissipates the heart palpitations start to occur and when the anxiety is back the palpitations seem to bugger off on their holidays?!

You just cannot win with some things.

Next week is going to be somewhat .. interesting and the four weeks that follow on from that as there are some things in the pipeline that might just work out. It might become obvious as soon as next week? Time will tell. This will be pretty good .. all around for a whole number of things. It could mean some more major changes but we will wait and see. Been in this situation before on here and if there is one thing I have learned in the past three years or so .. nothing quite works out how you think it will. So I am just going to let it play out.

I wish I could say more because I could get a particular someone quite excited and pleased but I cannot nor will I. I also could get into trouble legally for saying anything and very likely would at this stage. If a particular thing happens next week then that changes everything so .. if your reading this .. yes, you, then just hold out a bit longer.

I have made some pretty big mistakes the last few months and I think now I may be able to rectify all of these mistakes. It certainly looks and sounds good right now. There will be some major repercussions that I have personally been waiting for, for a long, long time.

Trust me on this when I say that I cannot wait for this and it is kind of imminent.

There will be some panic stricken knee jerk reactions but that has already been prepared for and let us say for now that there will be some .. FOCUS .. on a great deal of things.

In fact this has already kinda started and is in the public domain but .. it is only just beginning and I kind of knew what would be coming next. I had to explain this to others that got something of a shock. I then reminded them by saying “If you recall .. I Did state this the other day?!” to which they then remembered exactly what I had said a few days beforehand.

From this .. a great many things are possible and despite the fact that they might not all unfold as as already been explained .. many will.

In fact let us just say there is some .. investment in this.

I have kept this quiet because of certain parties finding out about it but some have now realised and .. there have been odd phone-calls, phone conversations, refusals to requests that were outright lies and I am expecting at least one more from one single source.

You could say that there are cracks in three of the four walls and I would be over the moon with any single one of them but .. to get all three?! Then add another to the usual three?!

Trying to not be excited by all this is somewhat .. bloody difficult.

But I keep saying to myself that let us just wait and see how it plays out. It will certainly play out, that is for sure but it is difficult to know who to trust right now.

Someone was going to be told but then later it was decided that they would not .. things certainly do whizz around at times. It is hard to know what to do and who to talk to.

I know who it is I want to talk to.

Not anyone around here that is for certain.

I am excited but that is because I am also kind of sad. I have been sad for awhile now and if it is not anxiety it is worry and when it is not worry it is sadness. Though I do not really show it. Nor do I talk about it either. Well there is only one person I would like to speak to and that feeling I have had for awhile now.

There are those that said I should have taken my chance at the time and now say I should have taken my chance while I still had it. But I did not want to do this in the .. mood I was in. Though knowing me I could have likely pulled it off .. maybe?

So I am excited because I may be able to end the sadness along with everything else? I may already be on the road to actually doing this already? But .. imminent events can put the proverbial tin hat on that in a single heartbeat.

Still .. something might slip out I the meantime? It might tonight, for all I know?

Sometimes distance gives you some perspective and .. sometimes that distance also might mean that you have burned all or just some of your bridges. As it has been turning out I have not .. but there remains one bridge that needs to be built and .. it is a pretty big bridge! But then the imminent thing is a pretty big thing and I have already made strides in correcting my previous mistakes and those things I forgot or was not aware of. Big strides.

Google, the DWP, the car and a whole swathe of other things .. darn it?! Just remembered I might need to get a temporary GP?!

That white woolly hat.

I have actually had one or two ask me if I have a picture. I do not, sadly. I have also been asked to look for someone on Facebook but as I told them, that would be too weird and besides that I simply would not know where to look. I do not have all that I would need to preform any search anyway.

Yesterday pain and worry actually stopped me from thinking about that which I normally do .. which was a first. I was worried .. about something .. in fact I felt guilty when I realised I had not thought about it because of pain, tiredness and muddy paths combined with strong winds. In fact a couple of people did not think I would make it and even noticed it was windy and thought I would .. conk out, so to speak. Well I kinda did .. but I did not care as it was preventing me from thinking about too many things.

Paying today though and though I am surprised I can actually walk after that ten mile ride .. I know my legs are buggered. Still .. at least I am not getting the knee pain today I was yesterday that had me collapsing against the walls and nearly falling down the stairs several times!

I was tempted to get out on my mountain bike but thought I had better not push my legs and knees .. oh not forgetting my groin, too far. Inguinal Hernia repair .. stings a bit if I overdo it with the cycling.

Still cannot believe I have felt like I do as .. well .. it .. umm .. was so long ago last time I simply cannot recall and I might never have felt like this before?

Funny when I think about it .. love, revenge and a few other things might be just around the corner?

DREAMS KNOW NO WALLS

It is 7am.

I lie here nursing yet another broken heart.

How did this happen?

It has been fourteen years!

I have had a very solemn twenty four hours which only increased to levels beyond that I have known for a very, very long time. Well on the subject of love, that is.

Yesterday while I was out and about performing various chores while finally remembering to grab some caffeine laden tea for the first time in a week I remembered something from my past. It was something that when remembered was excruciating.

In my university days I had up something of a barrier. A barrier that had started to go up every now and then. I had got … talking to someone at the university … a woman … a very nice woman. Due to a fear that had started to build inside me by way of previous events I was a little too nervous. It caused me to make a stupid mistake. A very embarrassing one.

That was, my word, 18 years back now.

Remembering my mistake caused me to wince internally as if it was just yesterday. I had long forgotten that.

Last night I had a disturbing dream. It involved me falling in love and in my dream this was … simply bliss. I had not felt this for the longest of times. It was involving the woman I mentioned. In fact despite eerily familiar the lady in question was not from my history.

Maybe someone I had seen in the media I had thought was perfect? I do not know.

Just as bizarrely she was knocking on the door of a friend I lost several years back. She had asked for something and we went around to take what she had asked for, think it was pizza? Our eyes locked far too many times to be a coincidence and she enquired about me.

Upon leaving I had only gotten 100 yards and I had to go back … had to give her my number. She seemed overjoyed that I had.

We saw each other regularly and the passion and romance was like putting a match to a field of dried grass and the relationship consumed me and I was only too willing to let myself go. Not something I have done in reality for a very long time.

Then something happened that things are a little foggy about.

There was another guy at some point and we had not seen eye to eye on something. He was jealous of the exquisite beauty I was wrapped up in. He made a series of remarks about her while my back was turned and I noticed she was lapping it up just as she had done with me.

My heart severed down the middle from end to end when I realised that she simply loved attention and what I thought was love for me was nothing of the kind.

I started to wake up. Feeling another heartbreak taking place was likely too much and I had somehow jolted myself awake. As I was coming around there were further flashes.

Briefly I had fast forwarded in time to a point that my lady of exquisite beauty was alone and sad. I was bewildered by the picture in my dream. I delved deeper into this to discover that she herself had a broken heart. As I enquired into this realisation it became clear that her broken heart was over losing me.

I had been different. She had not realised this at the time. She had when I was gone.

I was awake.

I was nursing a broken heart.

How did this happen?

More importantly, why did this happen?

It is 7am.

Walls have little effect in dreams.

Quite why I have been through this 24 hour period of love recollections I do not know. I find it both bizarre and intriguing in a scary way.

I am days away from my life being rocketed skyward.

For many months afterwards a great many things will change. It will take six months to a couple of years before things settle down.

I then have to begin the process of repairing the long list of damages created by various public services they have spent twenty years destroying.

Some will be lengthy.

Some will be expensive.

Some things will be irreparable.

Many things I have divulged. Some things I have not.

But by the end of it all and by the precious little I hold dear I swear that they will all know and that they will have no room for manoeuvre and no where left to run.

The countdown has already begun.

THAT LOST LOOK OF LOVE

Romantic music swoops and peaks in an eveloping way.

A beautiful voice of a mystery and unknown woman sings out her heart for love and ones mind is drawn in like a moth to a flame. What I wonder that look, looks like and how does it feel to catch the fleeting glimpse that these feelings are held by another?

In a swirling land of wonders can one dare to dream of the perfection that seems so far from view despite the aching of touch that brings the tiny shudders lost for so long.

Like windmills on a hill top the wheels of time continue to turn on unabated without once slowing to allow one time to break away. Time so precious to few are granted for many and the times that tick by graduallly stealing away from one the possibilities that abounded of years gone by.

That look I loved within ones eyes seem but so lng a distant memory. Buried deep in the sands of time wy relentless winds that their view is way beyond obscured.

One wonders if it possible to find one not intent on materialism and able to see the bigger picture that hides from most of us. Many fall by the wayside but one must believe this not always to be true. For all those that intend to use and scheme only deserve the fists of steel there must be many worthy of help. While possible lovers be avoided there must be those that can make one feel again.

For those that have come to know the name for reasons all bad I hope that one comes to know it for the good one can do and the happiness one can bring, though one has ones own doubts to this being possible and lost in ths sandstorm of time.

Entertainment is his solace and undoing complicated and dastardly plans also. Is she somewhere out there and possibly be beyond the sea. Has fate forced us far apart or do we exist under each others noses? Can Old Ken be wrong and the person exists to compliment one another like no other?

Many of the sands of time been wasted away by undeserving obstacles that would leave a negatitivity not appreicated and certainly not wanted. Rendering many possibilities far beyond possibility for the longest periods known.

However this be the year that these bad vibes are cast aside themselves to be buried away in the wind blown sands along with many others.

What little time there exists left to live one fully intends to take full advantage of and do along with achieve many things long desired deep in ones heart.

Perhaps where one can change the lives of those he writes more can be accomplished by those he touches?

For the touch of affection is one he craves the most. All else is rendered just filler one calls entertainment and the occupying of ones mind due to the life others have that are lost and alien to him. What others take for granted in conversation is so alien to him and never having experienced many things that many others do in most lives unless not wanted.

Many bad things could bring down a tower of steel but one learns to box up and place within the dark recesses of ones mind and ther they stay.

Once in a while I let one out ... if I really need to show anger to a large organisation and these be the weapons I keep within. At times when they are not controlled the soft and loving touch that would allow one to forget is sorely missed despite not remembering the feeling this brings.

Now the achievements begin to mount up and more heading this way a little more of the darkness is released each time and scattered to the winds to be long forgotten.

Life has a meandering nature to her and she twists and turns about in the winds of change. How this story goes from here on in and for the next five years has me wondering with a new confidence but an air of mystery abounds.

How will I feel when the time comes? Heaven only knows.

WHO HAS THE POWER TO MAKE ME SURRENDER

The longing and the needing. The human heart is an undeniable beast. Wanting and needing while enslaving you along the way.

My own heart a tower that carries a burden that no one in sight could ever hope to conquer. Soldeiring on is all that I know the enemies before me all that I see but I long to be engulfed in something that I know not what it is.

The feeling of missing and the longing of something that I do not know. I wonder if someone can tell me that which I am missing or for wha I am longing?

Whatever it is where might it be and whomever assure me thay can deliver that which I nrequire above all else?

I wonder why the self torture is so great and what is it that I strive for in all that I do when all that there are cannot look for more than a moment.

My desires surround me in more ways than one can imagine. The senseless kept at a long and safe distance while I battle on for one and for all.

Where is the destination that remains far from my senses and what will I feel once I am there? For one to deliver is all that I long for. For some I can put trust is all that I need despite those numbers I strive to help. A teahcer is collected the pupils unruled and there in is the sole puprose to turn the tabls before me about face.

The horizon I squint at the distance is I am scanning, a hope on the horizon is all that I crave. The year has arrived the blip on line is but hidden by haze bit near to my view.

For all that I long for can I trust that someone will deliver?

TO FEEL ONCE MORE OF LOVE

Far too long that one emotion has remained absent and elusive 

One asks if be is possible for one to ever feel this again 

Whsipers of winds of emotions long since past into distant time 

What secrets fate hides is cruelly hidden from my searching gaze 

Shield up and sword of vengeance is lofted high in despair 

Rustling leaves as the giggles of angels revel in what is to come 

But fate twists some things from ones hands of creation and manipulation 

Will the year be one that arouses in another those lost feelings of love 

A spark and a knowing look a empathic link with feeling of knowing 

That could ever return the smile one gives upon that faintest of detections

What would one do for who being in love is shared anew

Why anything and everything would then be what I would do for you

- A Saint They Called Allnights 

THE FADED MEMORIES OF LOVE

Today was a strange day, a strange day indeed.

I never thought I would post anything at all today as the lack of sleep at all last night was bound to have me zombified all day. Also I would become more and more nauseous and tired as the day write on. I left the house fairly early with the intention of staying out as long as I could as this should help me sleep normal tonight. Added to this had I stayed here I would have spent the day fighting off the land of nod.
I went into my friends store and they were moving some things around in the store and I just chatted about my increased frequency of posts, that TPUC website and done if the news reports I had ousted about.

While I was there something quite bizarre happened.

Something quite unexpected that had me in a fair amount of surprise for the rest of the day and will not get over it for a fair while.

I was standing just inside the doorway when outside the shop door and standing in the scarce winter sunshine was a woman. Adorned with large sunglasses and bending back a little she looks at me and speaks and I can make out she says hello. I am wondering who she is and if she is taking to me when her identity occurs to me but cannot believe it could be her and do not want to call her by the name in case I am wrong. Now that WOULD be embarrassing!

She removes her sunglasses and sure enough it is her. I am somewhat astounded. It is Ruby and I have not laid eyes on her in about 4 years. I never thought I ever would again in all honesty.

I first met her around 5 years ago. I immediately liked her which I found somewhat strange for me and I think the feeling was mutual. She was popping into the ship I was hanging around in fairly regular fur a chat and we got in very well. So much so it was noticed by all and it was brought up in conversion...a lot. I spoke about us seeing each other and have her my number but it never happened. Never did quite out my finger on it but I must have put her off somehow.

Eventually she just vanished.

A year later she turns up in the shop and my late friend Old Ken is standing there when she walks in and I later found he spotted her straight away and thought she was very nice. I walked in from an unseen part of the shop and say hello. We stand outside the front and chat for awhile before she leaves. Ken, it turns out, was blown away that I knew her and that we got on so well and I Custer his home that evening and he could not so talking about it and how well we got on and looked like a couple. I kept telling him he was wrong and eventually had to tell him that this I'd his we was the year before and were going to date. But something went awry and it did not happen. Even so he was STILL convinced she would be back and we would date. I told him that it would not happen and a year before 4 or 5 mutual friends thought the same thing. Of course I have realised that someone I knew St the time could have scuppered it as she did do just that with two others, lol.

I bet Ken that I would not see her again and I didn't, well that is until today!

She stated that she did not live in the area anymore and I asked her shut her car which she no longer had. We charted for about ten minutes before she had to leave.

Not thinking she had been recognised my mate looked at me in a little shock and said "bloody hell, there is s boost from the past?!" Well it was his shop I originally met her in and he was one that noticed and thought she was into me! I reminisced about our late friend and how he thought that we were destined to date and how I must have born it somehow and just never figured out how.

I was tired and without sleep and fecking somewhat frayed around the edge so a little more vulnerable than I would otherwise be. I found myself wondering whether or not she would start to do what she did when we first met?! Now knowing where the new shop is and that I was now seen there would she pop up again? I wondered if it might be possible that she may have later regretted not dating me but then after a few hours I remembered how I had been through this before.

It seems lack of sleep, scarred from Fibromyalgia, battle weary and an excrement long time single just had that little feeling of the flicker of a flame of the possibility of passion and love reentering my life after a very long absence just might be detected bright a warm feeling of hope into my heart.

Did that giant floating finger of fate just decided that I do not have enough misery and longing in my life that it might remind me of a gaping hole in my heart?!

It sadly seems that way.

THE LOVE APPEARS IN DREAMS

The mind is a strange beast and plays the most awful tricks on you with the intention of bizarrely causing self harm to one#s heart and soul.

After having a series of dreams consisting of one old flame, one unknown flame I have now had yet another one consisting of a familiar face once again but of more recent times. In fact it gets somewhat more intriguing as this face was not only more recent, well a couple of years back, but someone that was NOT an old flame but I became aware that she had a soft spot for me.

I have not seen much of her in several years instead of a very brief interlude where we simply said hello to each other. I never see her at all around town and that time that I did see her was probably the first time in around three years?!

But just last night I had this dream with the most intense feelings of all and it was she that was the object of my all consuming feelings of love. There was even brushes, literally, of intimacy too that would entwine the heightened feeling of arousal with those of intense and burning love that continued apace until I awoke with my heart racing like that of a sprinting stallion and other bodily functions going completely haywire!

My face must have been quite the picture with the frowning and shock along with surprise that must have been plain to see!

I had little time to ponder the latest dream nor have I at the time of typing as I had to leave the house to help a friend in his store for a couple of hours while he was off sorting out someone's pond. Now that I think about it, it IS quite puzzling as I very rarely have dreams like this and maybe the odd one every few years. This has gone quite mad of late and I know not why as there has been no love interest in my life and not even that of a passing interest. The spiritualist in me wonders whether I am picking up on something about to happen to me while the scientist side tells me that it is nothing. But then I remind myself of my age old theory of the Universe infinitely repeating itself with tiny alterations and that the seeing of the future is possible, and ONLY SO, if we are receiving flash images or feelings of the past?!

God I do hope it is the latter and that these feelings that have been re-awoken in my dreams are to become more the norm in the not too distant future?! Ooooooooooooh BOY!

Well in recent years I have often wondered if it was at all possible for me to ever love again as it has been that long since I last experienced the feeling! But these recent weeks have shown me without a doubt that not only am I capable of still feeling love but that the feelings I experienced are so strong that it felt like electricity coursing through my veins and fibers and brought about a feeling so wondrous in nature that I was heart-broken that it turned out to be merely a dream.

Later in the morning there was a woman in the store I had not seen before. I was chatting about something and she turned and looked at me. When dealing with her she looked at me several times too. As she was leaving she showed in interest in the Fire Salamanders and when she left I realized that as she was speaking tom someone else she had kept glancing at me.

Now this has happened before to the point whereby my friends and people in the store at the time were convinced I would be dating in no time but nothing actually developed from it, much to everyone's shock. That crossed my mind of what had gone on previously and that maybe the dreams WERE a sign but then thought NO!!

Maybe in time it will show itself to be whatever it is? Most likely is that they will just cease to occur and it will be nothing more than my mind and body pining for feelings absent for so very long. I am sure the devoted hoards of spiritualists will read much more into it while more matter of fact individuals will see nothing much in it at all.

A RELATIVE POEM: THE ABSENCE OF LOVE

THE ABSENCE OF LOVE

A feeling taken often for granted
For me a distant memory
Not a fleeting glimpse or flicker of emotion
My dormant heart of devotion
The busiest time I search each day
To keep old memories of love  at bay
Pain endured keeps others in check
But moments creep in and I long that first peck
I surf a wave looking far and wide
But always the same is all I find
The fear I have I keep from all
Is will ever I feel again or fall
For which others have and often abuse
I'm left with heart full of sorrow of no use
So long the flames of love are dowsed
I hunt with passion those to blame to rout
Hence no other focus for me to see
My changing track or tact never be