THIS CREEPING MALAISE

Towards its end, this creeping malaise.

When I returned from a distant place, intending my visits to be much more frequent, I never expected what would come next. Or rather, not.

Dangers and secrets around each turn, fatalities was impending but eventually averted.

Enemies await in every direction. Many hidden behind many obstacles.

To ones alarm those intended, tasked and rewarded to help also become one's enemy.

In all three hundred and sixty degrees someone or something lies in wait.

This three hundred and sixty degree war abounded along side my own internal battles between the basic animal drive and the intellectual that resides within.

One wonders to how many battles any one man or woman can face simultaneously?

What one least expects is the aftermath of those that were the biggest of battles.

A long silence. Long indeed.

Tasks and jobs invented to be free of the silence that surrounds.

When all else is dealt it be the meteorological events that do battle. The days are grey in a time for sunshine and heat waves.

One often dresses for occasions that never arise or visited.

The in-betweens are the most difficult an hazardous of periods to navigate. One wonders often how unsafe the travels before me.

It not be mortal man that poses any kind of threat. Much greater and more immediate dangers lie in wait and ones that one cannot physically battle.

Those intangible be the worst.

Held together with fragile silk threads pulled taut.

The flickering flames that threaten the holdings in place.

This one never claims perfection and has their own personal demons to battle that are no one else's affair but one's own.

But energy now drains and all too frequent.

The world appears grey.

Heading towards its end one hopes.

This creeping malaise.

UNDER A MELANCHOLY SUN

What a strange day.

Water fountains flow in the autumn sun in a place previously hidden.

It is an era of an eve.

Melodies play while voice speaks of the games people play.

Ducks paddle in miniature square ponds.

People stand about enjoying the warm rays of gold while others take photographs.

It is a time for pondering.

To research avenues that may be needed and via no more than through though processes.

Annoying when all one awaits is the next number in a series of numbers.

Watchers whisper to the wind waiting impatiently to be proved right.

While the one wonders to the days ahead with fear and trepidation.

Through life one gambles, the game unfortunate but inevitable.

The gambles on occasion hold the highest stakes.

To succeed lack of focus will ruin the day forcing one to rue.

In the end those who have lost must learn again to live.

Buy they must pay a price.

To some the price is high.

To others the price would be greater and attached with longevity.

It is a melancholy day.

A day of distraction.

For the final outcome is imminent.

The path trod nearing its destination.

The outcome inevitable.

The prices to pay lay patiently in wait.

The truth is nigh.

There remains no more running.

For there are no destinations until the truth will out.

Will this be the week of what might have been?

Not long to wait now.

The sun's fading energy warms the clothing.

I am left wondering if that sun will turn cold?

A winter of nothing more than that melancholy sun.

SOMEONE TO LIKE TO WATCH ME SLEEP

I have given many faces.

Each of these designed to perform a multitude of things.

But there is one face that exists above and beyond all others. That is to have someone like to watch me sleep!

As simple as it sounds the realities are somewhat ... eye opening as I have been single for a decade or more and do not sleep very well.

Yet these two simple things would show that I have got there. I have achieved all that I desire to reach such an milestone as these two.

Many a day I wonder and often meanders into the worlds of dream and fantasy. Visions of a heart warming and goose bump raising nature. Feelings long forgotten but echoes of a distant past murmur to remind me of that which is missed.

But all that remains is merely the mission and the goals.

Still the goals bring about the own rewards, with a little luck and a lot of wanting.

My realistic tendencies refuse me to dwell or dream before very long, because the mission achievements remain paramount.

One wonders to the number of years one has remaining to enjoy such gifts and luxuries and one estimates not many and the thought of the number fifteen feels as if I am aiming way beyond the reach that will become the reality.

At times at ever changing and intense nausea and pain one wishes this be a great deal sooner by some unknown and dark hidden corner.

To have the ability to sleep normally and have someone smiling at me upon waking seems like the impossible dream and I would think me died and gone to heaven if this was possible for simply a week.

One has a couple of things in plan for the forthcoming days and beyond this a switch in tone that would draw forth more of the narrow minded and sleepwalkers. Argued, it could be, that the one does the jobs of the many as if dragging them by the hand to see the view before them for they be unable to do or see this for themselves.

For too long I have done this.

Tired and weary I grow but adamant and completely confident I remain, for this must be seen by many that no matter what there is no margin for movement and no weaknesses to exploit no matter how hard nor long you seek.

Better to give up while hundred of miles behind than dig yourself free from a deep grave.

But the narrow minded become ever narrower.

But while this do take place the soldiers of knowledge grow in number right within the places they least expect. While directing at them I create these warriors right within the same building, perhaps even the same room?

While fact and evidence gathering continues about me others performing my actions are going by unnoticed this is the beauty of seeing the narrow minded. Brave and brash I may be but this was fully intended to hold focus while others garner the ideas I set out and start them anew!

Soon the more apparent it will be that this has indeed been the case for a very long time and then close to the finishing line I will be while my opponents wave and shout form the starting line crying 'false starts'.

Why be it the fault of mine that you missed the starting gun?

All will be well that ends well.

It was never going to be easy nor quick to live up the to the title given to me by some of a modern day Robin Hood.

WHO HAS THE POWER TO MAKE ME SURRENDER

The longing and the needing. The human heart is an undeniable beast. Wanting and needing while enslaving you along the way.

My own heart a tower that carries a burden that no one in sight could ever hope to conquer. Soldeiring on is all that I know the enemies before me all that I see but I long to be engulfed in something that I know not what it is.

The feeling of missing and the longing of something that I do not know. I wonder if someone can tell me that which I am missing or for wha I am longing?

Whatever it is where might it be and whomever assure me thay can deliver that which I nrequire above all else?

I wonder why the self torture is so great and what is it that I strive for in all that I do when all that there are cannot look for more than a moment.

My desires surround me in more ways than one can imagine. The senseless kept at a long and safe distance while I battle on for one and for all.

Where is the destination that remains far from my senses and what will I feel once I am there? For one to deliver is all that I long for. For some I can put trust is all that I need despite those numbers I strive to help. A teahcer is collected the pupils unruled and there in is the sole puprose to turn the tabls before me about face.

The horizon I squint at the distance is I am scanning, a hope on the horizon is all that I crave. The year has arrived the blip on line is but hidden by haze bit near to my view.

For all that I long for can I trust that someone will deliver?

THE TWIN KINGDOMS OF DREAD

I shiver nervously as the cold embrace of an Autumn morning engulfs me to let me know it has arrived. Pills have popped and nerve cells become excited and dance around my foot like bolts of electricity. A reminder of the pitfalls of venturing afar and to wonder is to the frequency and intensity of the oncoming day. Like venturing into a Kingdom that will cause pain at every turn the process is inevitable. But the choices and movement are mine to make so planning can make or break. So it is the Kingdom of Pain.

A clear blue sky beckons me but gadgets around bid me warning. A choice to remain brings forth the tall doors to the other kingdom. The kingdom of Boredom. Primates we be and from that first tool in hand we journey to discover and do. For an epoch we journey with these principles for so very long that we have become entwined. From the moment long ago that first tool was held and then used the others followed. Today we surround ourselves with tools and puzzles and without we feel an internal pain and burning that is difficult to bare.

I ponder and gather while deciding my journey before the sound of slashing turns my head to see driving rain whipping the glass in diagonal streaks. I think to stay but the mental torture from the thought of boredom seeks to drive me insane while the wind and the rain tell me they want to punish all that venture out. My mind a mess and quandary tormented further that it is tormented to begin with. Why does my mind get like this? Why is that part of suffering so confusing and difficult to control?

I glance up and hope to see blue skies and lo and behold they do return. The journey is fraught with those dancing nerves along my foot and feel like tiny lightning bolts dancing around before taking a rest. I ponder that with all the breakthroughs in medicine and science how is it that afflictions exist tat cannot be dealt with. How is it that boredom can and is so mentally stressful? As a society we know of these things and have done for what seems an eternity. So why are these not taken into account and why are they used to prey on us by others? Humans like to do complicated things and we like to play and we do not like pain. These are two separate Kingdoms that oppose the two I face each day. The Kingdom of Play and the Kingdom of Do. Those that flitter and flirt with both Kingdoms of the latter will have a truly enriched life indeed. For the other two of Pain and Boredom no human being should endure the two at once. For this is a depravity and hell that no human should bare. There truly is no worse place to be and the pain affects the stress and vice versa and to add the endurance of time leaves no words to a description as there are no words that can describe this.

To be found in these two Kingdoms of Dread cannot be of ones own doing. Only a series of circumstances can one find oneself there. Once there it is a horrid place and fast becomes the depths of depravity you would give nigh on all to escape. Leaving just one could help you deal with the other to some extent. Two together is a place that no hell could match. The only being to truly appreciate this place would be that of the Devil himself and a broad smile he would have for human beings to be tortured in such unimaginable ways. Only he would truly appreciate the suffering of one kingdom which then adds to the other. No one could surely survive the two? No one could endure all and come out in one piece and a full bag of marbles? Surely not?!

Those that aware of these places and what it holds in-store for both mind and body would not expect anyone to survive without being effected. This is all so very true but what has been considered not is what if someone was to survive and not be affected in the way that they would think?! Surely if the person how dot died from over indulgences or suicide they would surely have some rare species of Bats in that belfry?! Like some sick psychological testing ground to see how far a human can be pushed before something gives way. As the cooling winds breeze through my soul and the Autumn sunshine causes me to reach for my Diesel Sunglasses I ponder this thought and I, as always, attempt to guess there pondering thoughts. I asked myself again why it is s hard to deal with two much of one kingdom and why two combined become such a force against man?! I ponder to the length of time anyone should endure the two and decide that less than a year at the outside. Pain and suffering cannot truly be removed from mankind because it helps us understand but too much...far too much is a fate worse than oblivion herself. What if many suffered this on a large scale? Ooh my that would be tempting the fates and the history books and truly would those in power reveal their naivety and incapability of that said power. Those that are looked upon underfoot are no more important than insects that we step upon. The Kingdoms they are confined to are of no concerns of ours! They are a lower life form and without intellect and they are in a whirlpool that none will possess the ire, strength and intellect to traverse and escape from! None can survive?!

But what if one CAN? What if one DID SURVIVE? What if among the so called dreggs of society there was one that could hold off all that is thrown and of the two Kingdoms combined?! If this ever be possible did the kings and queens of society ever stop to think of what the consequences might be?! Something that seems designed to kill off the weakest and poorest in society has been left unattended for so long that they failed to notice one survivor! He scrambles atop his peak, brushing himself off of dust and dirt as he gathers and composes. He stands stop his peak and he starts to shout. He tells his story of how he survives in the hope that as he saw others die he might tart to save those that remain. He wants to show that you can go through the worst evils imaginable and still survive unscathed. He wants you to see how it works. He wants to show those that are completely oblivious that absolute truth and the scale of the horrors endured. Flirting the very edges of humanity for so very long and the suffering that awaits the two Kingdoms is almost dealt with single-handed.

But what of the Kings and Queens? Had any stopped to consider what would emerge as a survivor of the pitfalls at the dreggs of society? If they still had the marbles they entered with would the bag now weigh more that at the beginning? Would there be NEW marbles in the bag?!

Could we have unknowingly created something that will come back an bite us in the arse while we were focused on greed, money and power?

What could be the consequences of such am individual? Could he teach others to do as he did? Could he teach others to survive the pitfalls at the pit of society? Could he tell people the honest truths?

If so could this spread? If so how fast can it spread? If he already exists should we be asking how fast has it spread?

How much does he know? How far can he reach? What control would we have? What is it that he fears? If he survived all that would his preparations therefore be formidable?

Should we lure them? Should we call a truce? Should we barter?

Despite the clear skies the slight nipping breeze blows on through my soul. For so long have I battled my way through and for so long have I told my stories. So many insights have I revealed to one and all in the hope of helping. The hope of teaching. In the hope of changing. I dart and lean my head quickly as the sun flashed across my eyes as I place my sunglasses over them. AS I cross a bridge a collection of Swan Cygnets emerge from under it in a line. I wonder if it be the family whose sibling I helped with its broken leg? But I count five and realise it is not and turn to see the parents with a sixth cygnet in the distance. Mine had five WITH the crippled one.

I smile at them as they turn and notice me but continue south on their journey. I look up at the clear blue sky and safe in the knowledge that I will escape a drowning, turn and continue on my journey. Flashes of dancing nerve endings being ignored upon the way as Can't Get You Outta My Head by Kylie starts to drum away into my ears.

AS I walk I decide that Psychologically it is all down to a definite case of the Twin Kingdoms of Dread and that it is inhuman to force any one individual to endure the two for very long.

Unfortunately this suffering has never occurred to them and never been important enough to occur to them!

Unfortunately for them I survived and I stayed out of the way behind my peak while I uttered my stories of old. One by one people would come and people would listen. Again and again I told my stories and had much to tell. I would keep going and tell all and continue apace. One day enough people would have come and enough people would believe I speak the truth.

That was all I ever wanted as this will then achieve all my other goals too.

But now I will emerge atop my peak and tell my stories for the enemy to see. Provoking and challenging I shall be. Well here I am and say these things I will. Stop me if you so dare. Issue the subpoena if you so dare? Do not be bashful and go the whole Hog and issue a warrant for seizure?!

This is my annual claim. One whole set of seasons has now passed by and I find myself back at the start. One whole year how now passed by and from here on in the seasons of beckoning begins. The words of postings will appear more frequent. More stories of old will appear as new. More links of old will be made.

Over time I worked hard and long and prepared to remove the use of labelling of my person and none can the use that of lazy, mad or harbinger of doom. I offer help and that is all I ever do. I simply offer the truth and nothing more. What id done with said truth, well that is a story for another day.

As time drew by I would see the truths in stories revealed even though most be ancient but the real truth I still see nonetheless. I link and post and tell my visions of stories leaking through and poke fun at many for that is what they deserve.

Many that be employed by the deceitful few are either blind or just take money to do biddings told them. This tarnishes and so not easily removed despite claims of being trapped but this is how it manages to work. Not part of the evil system is to be deemed lazy and bone idol without question or offers to redeem or vindicate. From a society based on lies, misconceptions and slavery now want to themselves point the finger of blame while firing a spray of labels at sections not big enough to be of any significance to the corruption nor the cause. But it will occupy the minds of the weak for awhile longer and those of the story telling to! For to be deceitful you also need cunning otherwise many will see the truth and the truth itself needs to be known by the minimal few as the fewer the better it works. So decision to employ naïve, desperate, cold and also amoral people would be the best to make for none would then cotton on!

But what gives? Tales of thine underlings do truly send a shiver down thy spine! An individual has survived our Twin Kingdoms of hell and exclaims his discovery of our trickery?! What devilry is this? Thy front-line staff now fear that they be quite deliberately placed in the firing line to take falls meant for higher hierarchies? What if we have our 'Baby 'P'' saga?! We will not get away any further of blaming it on the underlings whose money and powers we took away while keeping our own at the expense of the lives of children across our constituencies?! “Sandra? Book me a one way ticket to BRAZIL?!”

Alas those that make the mistakes have something many of us do not and that is the ability and option to escape the hell hole and leave the cesspit behind! Back on a Psychological viewpoint those that know that they can live on the other side of the world at the drop of a hat will think that if they screw up then they can do that. That psychology WILL BE there even if not immediate. Alas most probably already have homes overseas we paid for! Just in case.

My strive has been is to stop everything going to hell as I am stuck here and so is my family and daughter. Whether the crap that exists be down to deliberate or naivety the end results ARE the same. We ARE in a mess and somehow and via some people we ended up here be it those put up as the idiots in charge or those behind the scenes that pull their strings? The string pullers could be anyone. Oil or energy companies or even Politically Correct Groups of morons or only half the facts Green people?

To reach goals and solve issues the only things that matter are the facts and the truth.

You cannot bend it this way to suite one lot or that way to suit another lot. The playing field becomes unbalanced and before long you have an out of control see-saw effect. The science is the SCIENCE and I do mean SCIENCE, not theory or best guess. You cannot change or alter the facts because another one would be politically correct. People are what they are. You also cannot go bounding down one road shouting it will achieve something because its what YOU believe or because the figures, loose scientific models, SEEM to suggest that.

Inevitability means just that and the best you can do in some shape or form is slow things down, kind of like putting things off which is what political correctness does and simply allows some to take advantage of hospitality. I see and hear no one screaming for me or my daughter, well not yet.

I would find a war easier to deal with any day of the week as opposed to that of my life for the past twenty years. They can shove all that heavy uniforms where the sun does not shine but at the other end of the field is a guy, or bunch of guys, with guns. They want to shoot me dead and if they do it is over. I simply have to shoot them first! That is it and that is all. Yes OK some people you are at war against might be very racist or despite their claims to be God fearing actually quite evil and do things the Devil would be proud of. I would rather die by a bullet than kneeling on a floor knowing I will shortly be beheaded! These are evil people and more importantly they are RACIST PEOPLE!

That is is and that is all.

So no I do not appreciate being fed absolute trite by the media. I also tire of all the talk, talk and talk when everyone else knows nothing is going to change so why talk about it?! In any war half want your help and half do not. Your damned either way and it appears to me that the wider public in both the UK and the USA seem to now be aware of this fact?! So why go through the expense and all the deaths?!

To ignore this and the people and get involved and way beyond a certain point will now show the public that already know what I know one thing and one thing only! There will only be ONE REASON that any country will ignore their own people and send in their military....MONEY AND OIL!

Now if you go ahead and do this not only will you anger two nations way, way bigger than America and America could not fight against, even WITH the help of the famous loyal Terrier Dog, the UK, you will also alienate your own people too. The two government of both the UK and the USA are already venturing down a dangerous road and with Syria in everyone's minds right now they are looking at the pool in the neighbours garden and know that said neighbours are out! They just do NOT see the neighbour's on the opposing side watching them play in the pool!

PHILOSOPHICAL AND SLIGHTLY POETIC: THE MAN WHO FAILED TO DIE

Moving slowly through the grass my feet parting the blade like leaves as I move ever forward. 

Words from the past echo in my mind 'you always stick to your guns'

Opinions all different blur and merge into a background DIN I chose to ignore to the upset of many.

I know who I am now and what it is I have to do.

Many will not like it and others will no understand. In time others will be engulfed by envy and jealousy.

None will distract me.

For none know how dark the furthest reaches of the human mind are and what constitutes suffering to a human being.

I visited these places and I returned. Many could not...maybe none at all.

I returned with many goals that would ache the passage of time.

On my journey there would be those that ask and I will have to tell. It is not easy.

The explanations of the deviations of my mind are none too easy for me.

To put them in to words.

The eyes glaze and the R-Complex kicks in.

The primate emerges and longs to move onto the next thing to entertain the boredom.

But my path continues ever onwards.

Much has come at me over the years and much sought to fell me.

A lean to the right and a swerve to the left and at times the pressure disturbed tiny hairs upon my ears.

The passion is strong. 

There were people in need and none more so than my own blood.

I'm already aware there is no help, I am aware that those that exist are merely charades to fool us.

I am alone. Very alone.

Intoxication was my release and at last the flickers of signals flowed between synapses.

Profound and other worldly were my thoughts.

Puzzles were just mere obstacles to the place beyond I needed to be.

My history fantastical my survival begs belief but here I stand before you.

This time around things will be very different.

I am here to provide messages to you and yours that will last beyond a lifetime.

Words and actions form a man that will reverberate through time.

With luck smiling the message will last beyond an unimaginable time that will help all who come and those that listen.

Even if the listening feels an eternity.

The apes and primates are drawn back to the table to learn and to know all.

They will become wiser and more open to understand.

They will realise that which blocked there view and learn to see through it.

For that is the ultimate goal of knowledge it is to be discovered.

We are inquisitive and we will discover it.

I think of the length of string then think of the theory of string theorised to create all around us.

How to message all and in what way to be profound.

Drawn on my love of philosophy I have to keep searching for the way through the mire.

It is all that I see and all that is available to me.

Without it I am nothing, mere existence on a physical plane of misery that many too suffer.

There has to be more..there IS more to all this and this is not all that there is.

I see a sea of changes but not how they implement. It is change and it is not the end.

Change is what people fear their R-Complexes kick into overload and they back off.

Times long past and the process of learning is never changing.

Much greater and more challenging things must be taken on little by little.

Over an eon the fragments merge into a bigger picture of understanding.

Talk. Communication with other beings allows more of the picture to take shape.

Speaking with others reduces the fear that the heart of their minds creates to cause them to retaliate to safety.

It is the way of things.

It is the nature of things.

It will be for some time to come. 

It is purely a time engaging thing the process of adaption.

My mind is a quandary of many things and many thoughts and not all is revealed to anyone.

I have my R-Complex and I have my battles but I am further down the road and therefore see.

But telling a small child that the flames hurt is never understood until the intense heat is revealed.

One want is to show before the pain and hope that conclusions are drawn independently.

For the ravishes of time will take there toll on all.

Nerves of all all slowly fraying and becoming raw to the touch.

The blades of grass part as my feet sway through them and I ponder.

What does it take?

How to communicate and spare the glazing to speed up the process.

Bathed in sunshine with nature surrounding I ponder these thoughts.

People breeze by alone or in conversation, blind to what is around them.

The sea of green is all the feel they need and understanding is not.

Conversation has priority over all what price and what location.

The world around them hustles by.

My journey continues on and my search for a pathway through continues unabated.

It is but a maze and a maze but a puzzle and puzzles become a breeze.

Time is the only enemy. For all the time in the world is not what I have.

More correctly put it is not what we have.

But I endeavour to continue to clear the way for all to see.

Many will come to fell the young tree they fear.

But the young tree bends easier now and learns to go around.

I will serve but never sway and never falter.

Only now stretched out before me my vision captures glimpses of rays of light.

These are my goals and they are the reason I have travelled so far.

Now I travel with god-speed towards the light.