FEELINGS OF FAILURES

Those that have come here since breaking my Twitter silence are probably unaware of a lot of things that do and have gone one.

If you thought that post was one hell of a horror story is does not contain it all and nore do I go into detail about the pain and suffering.

There are dozens of people involved in the story and around half a dozen each that could command a series of books in their own. Well .. at least one a piece. One will need more than one book just to themselves. None of these names involves my daughter or eve myself. Hence why a news media agent talked of TV, magazine and a book series. Nothing of the things he promised came to light and this was back in January.

Within six weeks our issues were going to be over. Later in the year we was having these series done on her story. But here we are a few weeks from September and not a single peep has been heard from the Joe the media agent or Take A Break's Julie Sidwell.

Today I did something I do not normally do and suddenly I was experiencing intense pain and as I wandered back to my regular park bench the phone rang.

It was my daughter who had called me earlier just prior to attending an appointment for her cancer. Her mother had agreed to look after the four children and once again the useless, evil and conniving mother had gone absent. Two operations had already been missed because of this behaviour and due to trying to incite violence I am sure she is hoping or trying to cause the death of my daughter. Like I said .. many books could be written just on one person alone.

I the end my daughter was forced to go around to her home but she did not answer the door. In desperation my daughter climbed through a window only to find her mother's partner. He did not even realise that his partner was not only not in the house but had her phone switched off. I am not lucky enough that the Police had finally figured out what she had done and she was on the run?

He agreed to look after the children and it was not until my daughter was at the hospital she suddenly wondered if she was having an operation or not?! A missing grandmother would cause a serious issue of this had turned out to be the case. It will when the operation comes around I assure you!

My daughter had to remain for something else and they asked her about her Trigeminal Neuralgia and seemed concerned at how bad and frequent it had become. They was also surprised that she had just been fobbed off with pills.

Then my daughter started sobbing and this occurring I have lost count of happening, just in the last six months alone.

“I don't know what I am going to do?!” she said as she cried.

From the way the Doctors were talking she thinks now that they know something and that something is going to happen to her.

I cannot explain the feelings of darkness at moments like this and the sheer feeling of being a failure as a father because time after time and year after year and for over twenty years the public services have failed. Failed then failed and then failed. To make matters worse it is not just the failig but these servants of the people and full of care for woman and children actually kick you in the nether regions while they are failing you.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had to listen to how she would be better off dead.

I do not care what anyone else says because they would be clearly naïve and/or incompetent to think that the public services do to act like this or treat people like this. Annoying as a search on YouTube alone would bring up hundreds of videos of people going through hell. Just not as many hells as the two of us have been through.

This is what makes it all the more strange as my daughter should get a massive amount of interest over the sheer number of heartbreak and the huge number of failures by so many involved.

Sometime I think this is why they either stay well away from us or promise us the Earth only to vanish at the eleventh hour.

All the time hoping for something to occur that would tell us that our suffering mentally and out physical pains would soon come to an end.

Maybe others think this is just too much and the men in black might come knocking at the door? I just do not know but it has been hard.

I had hoped that commenting in places on YouTube as I have now done for like a month and the last ten days plus of Tweeting on Twitter might get me some attention and I can put someone in contact with my daughter?

Maybe I have just not reached enough people yet?

I use my frustration and anger on all that I blame for this mooching around the Twitter streams all day and when I see someone who is acting and talking completely selfish over something hat is fuck all I am in there.

Oddly I could rip so many people new ones and throw around all kinds of insults and names but I refrain from doing that. Though I have plenty of reason to do so.

Rant-rant-rant self-self-self and I chime in, have a disagreement, get called a liar time after time and then throw in my link to my daughter's story. It either then gets fuck all comments, after screming about burkas or offense to others, or it gets talked down. One eve accused me of getting the story out of a story in a magazine. No, I replied, our story appeared in a fucking magazine but only around 0.5% of it!

Cancer sufferer, domestic abuse victim and repeated victim of child abuse with the most evil mother you could ever dream of as well as being sexually abused by your step-father aged 12. That is only the very worst of it and there are things I have not posted about for years that would very literally blow anyone away. Not mention it on blogs for several years. Certainly not mentioned it on Twitter because we was ignored so much I wondered if that element of the story was keeping people away?

So I am going to be in one of those dark places for a couple of weeks not and where I am also going to lose a load of belongings too. Past caring about those but I guarantee a load of crap I am going to have to sort out with the storage company as well as my bank. Yeah I really want to be doing that.

Help organisations have acted the same .. go to someone else, start talking like they are going to help and then tell you to go to someone else or say they are going to help, ask yo for your phone number when you have already provided it. Then they simply do not call you ever let alone when they say they are going to.

What can you do?

Hoping my ad revenue will be unfrozen but does not occur. Scrambled to get my photos onto sites like Alamy, Photofolio and Deviant Art hoping that someone would start buying them and I could build upon it.

Was supposed to do weekly series of YouTube videos but then they started messing around moving the goalposts on that too, screwing a load of people over. For political reasons is what everyone says.

I do have a habit of trying several things simultaneously because so many things have failed in the past.

Fantastic country I was born into that has just got better and better over my nearly fifty years.

God help my grandchildren!

I was called a modern day Robin Hood? Not doing very well at that job, am I?

Annnd I have just bee told that the broadband Internet in the building, which has been off for five or six days, is not coming back on for another nine?!

Nine .. fucking days? Has anyone even heard of anything like that? Mobile data been playing up, Wifi in park has issues.

The person who has the account with Virgin Media is going into meltdown and was as I left the house. Told the guy on the phone that in all my years I have never heard anything like it, Even from Virgin Media and I need to check to see if anyone else has issues in the area?

SHAVING REAL CLOSE

I keep forgetting things. This has been going on for a long, long time now.

Sometimes I forget things that might seem a bit mad .. like forgetting to take pills when you have health conditions or pain. This probably does not make sense? Hell, it doesn't make sense to me!

Yesterday I forgot something. An event. A kinda major event and not the first either.

I have been making a push to try and start selling my photographs but it has been a bit tough and frustrating on both several hardware levels, hosting levels and .. health problem levels. I often say to my daughter that neither of us can actually catch a win or get a single break.

So after a couple of discussions I moved a piece of hardware and the Wifi connection has improved a lot though there will still be times when it goes down fully and there is nothing I can do about that ..

Virgin Media has always been utter shit from my own previous connection to those of half a dozen or more others I know that had one.

But I also had a problem with working with my photographs and using two different but old and slow computers. I post process on my desktop but do not really like spending too much time on it.

I do prefer to do any uploading or writing on my laptop.

I am also running out of space as the photos, especially in RAW file, take up a lot of space. So I decided to get an external hard drive and bought a Seagate of 3 Terabytes.

A friend of mine keeps insisting that my health conditions are down to my state of mind, and not a physical thing, and he also insists it is easy to get a Doctor and suggested he take me to his who was crying out for patients? Fed up with trying to tell him I agreed for him to take me to his. At least this way when they refuse he can see for himself?! That was supposed to be two days ago and I am still waiting.

I am also awaiting an email from someone else that I hope will offer to help me and who I will go and see?

I have items in storage to that need to be sorted out before I lose everything.

It feels like a million things going through my fragile mind and most of the time it feels like my mind is being physically torn in two.

While trying to go out and get this hard drive that is how it was. Anxiety hitting me and heart playing up and wondering how I am going to do this, even get to Argos, which was a waste of time anyway,

The hard drive I could save processed files to and create two folders, I now have three folders in all on my new external drive. Put everything on it when I am on the desktop and then switch it to the laptop for uploading and typing in tags and such.

So with a push off I went down the road.

I crossed a road and just before I reached the other side I looked to my left and a silver car was whizzing towards me and I had to jump backwards.

He was going pretty fast and I very nearly hit by the car. I was not shaken .. just surprised that I had done this and that it had happened again. Yup .. I said 'again'.

As I stepped back onto the pavement I then was hit by something else. This was the exact location where, back in the 1980's, I WAS struck by a car!

I was on a bike on a road called the Crossway and I was turning right. I was hit on my left, blacked out, rolled across a bonnet, up the windscreen and onto the roof of a Peugeot 504 Estate in metallic blue. Then I rolled off the side and onto the tarmac in the middle of a junction.

It was around this point that I woke up .. lying on the tarmac and I actually thought I was waking up in bed and was wondering why my pillow felt so bloody hard. As I came to I realised where I was, what had just happened, struggle to my feet and walked to the kerb. I then felt a piercing pain in my right thigh and collapsed unconscious for a second time. I woke up a second time to a ring of faces looking down at me and could hear my name being said by someone. Turned out to be a girl I went to primary school with called Nejila, a Turkish girl.

I had torn my thigh muscle and I could not move my leg and it was stuck in an angled position. So I could not walk and that lasted a week or two. Of course I was taken to hospital.

I had long put that incident down to the reason I ended up with so many health symptoms which was eventually self-diagnosed as Fibromyalgia twenty thirty years plus on from this incident. Then confirmed at Guy's Hospital a year or two after I diagnosed it.

So you can imagine it was somewhat odd to suddenly realise I had almost but knocked down again in exactly the same spot?!

I then had a pain in my right leg, tried too many shops and Argos did not have the hard drive I decided to buy. One with a hub. So I have to keep unplugging and plugging in this one that I have now. Bummer.

I then forgot all about this close shave with a car.

So I started placing photos onto my drive and I ended up with three folders ..

• Alamy
• Photofolio
• Adobe Stock

These are sites to sell your photographs only .. it is a right pain in the fecking arse!

I was rejected several times by Alamy, which oddly enough is always first on most 'sites' lists of place to sell photos. I do not know how as ..

• Insist on 3 photos for initial submission
• Quality Control is absolutely BRUTAL
• Quality Control also makes some seriously unprofessional rejections
• Like blur outside focused subject?! I mean fecking REALLY
• They also randomly check your photos and if one fails they fail them all
• Even if you are using FTP to upload 100 photos
• Which are only checked at random anyway
• Photos have to be over 17MB?!

I asked about this and they sent me a portion of a sky in a monochrome photo that was black via post-processing. On a 42 megapixel image that had been zoomed in a great deal as it was grainy as hell.

There were two red circles they had drawn and I was squinting my eyes while wondering what in the hell I was looking at while also wondering why in the hell they were pixel-peeping like this? Eventually I could just make out there were these .. darker blobs. I very much doubt you could see these marks and they put it down to dirt on the lens which was funny as it never affected any other photos I uploaded that were taken the same day.

I said that this was a bit silly and asked why they had done this and they stated that they might be selling photos to use on billboards?! Fecking .. really?!

First off this would be quite rare and secondly .. I have a fecking 42 megapixel camera and very few models have more that that without spending a whole heap more money.

Sooo your going to blow the chance to sell photos to 95% of your buying customers because one might want to put it on a billboard? Sounds very stupid .. a bit like rejecting another photographer because he had blur. or 'bokeh', in his image outside the test subject.

When I pointed out my model camera, as another was rejected for softness, I got a patronising reply abut how the camera does not take good photographs?! Totally missing the point that they were zooming on on a very, very high resolution image and seeing imperfections that were barely noticeable.

Also bearing in mind with a 66% success rate for photos and a 24 to 48 hour wait for quality control and a whole batch rejected because of one photo? Yeah .. now imagine trying to get 500 to 1,000 photos uploaded to a decent sized portfolio? Which I and others believe needs to be around 2,000, how long will this take you?! Lol.

I then thought what the fucking hell .. they have got the God-complex Google effect?!

• Put all financial issues onto photographers
• Put onus onto photographers, and not buyers, onto pictures being absolutely perfect
• Ensure that millions of photos are top quality
• Get half or more of the money simply for hosting them

I am clearly in the wrong business here?!

Bearing in mind the lengthy processes involved and then you have to tag or label everything and that you have no idea or guarantee that any of these photo sales sites are any good or not. Only crap that these paid reviewers say on their sites.

Money for nothing? Check!

So that is how I ended up looking at Photofolio. I thought 'fuck this' there must be an easier way? So I found them and sent a few test shots there way.

• Oh .. takes longer to be assessed
• Photos have to be smaller than 20MB?! (Over 17MB with Alamy)

Well this is .. consistent.

In fact I bet the only thing that will be consistent is the God-Complex and sitting on your arse earning millions for hosting?!

Next!

Had a look at Adobe Stock and pretty much knew I would have had an account with them from years ago? Yup! New password and I sent them some too to see what happens?

Yeah this is fun, with with anxiety problems (I have self harmed), heart problems, memory problems, having difficulties getting out to take pictures, pains and a million things going through my mind in any one waking moment this is .. nice! Lol.

I actually started to think about selling my camera gear after all that!

*SIGH* what with everything with my daughter as well going through my mind, the corruption, the terrible murders going on by the British government of disabled people everywhere. Well not just disabled people either.

Often my daughter and I say how we hate living in this country. Well it is odd to say that as it feels more like an open prison because you cannot escape anywhere. No respite at all.

Will we ever get a break?

Oh and I heard from Take A Break Magazine which only took two weeks and they completely got my email wrong ..

'Sorry but your story is not right for our magazine'?!

Yeah .. I was emailing them about my daughter who they had already covered in their magazine and so when I told my daughter about the email, who could not believe what they said ..

• They are idiots and did not realise what I was saying
• Someone scared them off the two of us