THE FOURTH DEATH

Jesus .. you just cannot win.

I have to consider that there are various ways I can die .. as I only recently discovered though the feelings I get in my chest and heart have been something of a warning for some time now.

Heart attack, cardiac arrest and Sudden Death Syndrome.

What is that you say? That is only three? Oh yeah ..

The fourth is bloody boredom!

Yeah on the rare occasions I do feel OK I have my old enemy dog me and it feels like it dogs me to the edge of death.

When I am OK I hate having nothing to do .. well .. nothing constructive. Like my photography, for example .. oh my God how I would like to be getting out a lot more often than I have been.

It is such a frustrating waste of time and the tools I spent so much money on.

I mean I have managed to use it but I seem to get things flung at me, intended too on occasions, that prevent me from doing what I want to do.

It is odd as with all my previous non-professional cameras where I could have gotten ten times more pictures that I did with a professional one, I had all the time in the fecking world!

The moment I have something of professional standard I started getting shite in the form of obstacles flung at me every five minutes. Almost all of them the public services.

I used to be a short cycle ride from some many very good place to use my camera.

Now I am several bus rides to most of them!

Buses are of course an issue for me ..

• Body gets way too hot in warmer months
• Pain in my feet
• Pain in back and shoulders
• Seizures
• Heart Palpitations, Chest Tightness and Breathlessness (only recent)
• Possible Sudden Death Syndrome, Heart Attack, Cardiac Arrest to think about

It is just such a humongous and .. scary thing to consider those and no one would be blamed for not being able to do things with any one of the above.

It is also far from everything and just the most major ones. Like the memory loss issue for instance.

Now with a bit of luck and with many a year of waiting this might finally come to an end in a matter of weeks. But the waiting just makes everything worse.

I do have plans to help this along a bit but I cannot do anything until the time comes around and then is down to a little .. pleading. Just to show that things are fare worse then they imagined. I am sure the suggestions mentioned by them themselves will likely come to fruition once they see the bigger picture? Fingers crossed. Well .. it has already been stated of their intentions .. it just remains to be seen if it will benefit from a little encouragement? Or pleading?

It is also typical that after freezing my nether regions off .. yesterday morning for several hours despite putting on full length cargo trousers for the first time in weeks and leading me to but a waistcoat .. I get fried alive today. It started out very cool but OK. Then wet to a nice gentle warmth and by 2 to 3pm I was racing for the shade and wished I was wearing shorts!

I guarantee if I had gone out wearing shorts I would have spent the first hour regretting that decision!

It is also odd as I have been surprised at feeling the cold but the I have probably lost around two stone in weight. So I am proper thin and therefore probably why I have been feeling it on colder days?

Since I acquired my professional camera I have opened my eyes to a far wider range oh photography from landscapes to architecture, skylines and geometry and symmetry of buildings. My usual passing interest of monochrome has gotten a lot deeper too and I am constantly on the look out for photographs that give me other ideas too.

I have thought and even actually looked to see if I could find a photography friend .. this way I would feel a lot better being with someone, knowing that if I fall unconscious my gear will be safe. They would have to be aware of the possibility I could just fall unconscious and not only be OK with it but know what to do .. like ring an ambulance. Not that I have any confidence in the NHS but I would like to at least try to remain alive until my daughter is out of her own fiery pit located somewhere in some hot corner of hell?

Yeeaah I do not have anyone that can actually do that.. No chaperone and the only person that could possibly do it is an overgrown child who has zero patience who throws a tantrum if you talk about things he deems are out of bounds and storms off in a huff over feck all. Yeah .. about as responsible as Guinea Pig. Well give you an idea .. out with his grandmother one day she fell down the stairs of a bus and ended up in hospital. Of course as their behaviour is famous and widely known everyone wondered it it was down to his zero patience.

He walked off while I stood still to the point he got a quarter of a mile or more and was out of sight and when he found me two hours later, because he wanted to get a move on ad was getting annoyed, actually asked in a sarcastic tone “Where did you go?!”

Three people I know reacted with complete shock at this and simply could not believe it and I said ..

“Well, yeah. I was [effing] standing still until the point he had walked a quarter of a mile out of sight and he [effing] asks me where I went?! I wanted to say, [effing] nowhere you [effing] dick! I was standing still, it was you that [effing] walked off and left me!!”

Oh and yeah .. he knew about the chest issues and that I had been to hospital but the knowledge of the sudden death, heart attack, cardiac arrest ad other things were not known to me until around a week later, maybe a little sooner? But still .. oh no wait? Yes .. I did know as I distinctly remember saying it at some horse paddocks at the end of one day before returning here.

Yes despite his later lies to someone else that I went on about it for three days .. well it was actually four but never mind, which only makes him like look a selfish twat because you cannot say that I talked about how I can suddenly drop dead for four days when you have just arrived back twenty minutes ahead of me!

Yeah .. that is the effing logic I have to put up with .. while they want sympathy over the spilt milk they have while not only disregarding fatal conditions, claiming something that is not dangerous is worse than something that is most definitely fatal, like cancer, but do not even ask.

Yeah when they are trying to force me to listen to their whines and whinges I start to get angry inside thinking of how months have passed by and my deadly and painful conditions are not asked about nor is that of my daughter.

Even more amazing is their faces when they realise from the look on my face that I am not interested in their painful arm, painful back or mild epilepsy that I have never seen. Lol.

Remember .. these are the worst health conditions in the world according to them and their attitudes and behaviour while cancer and sudden death or not only not even worth asking about once in four months .. it is not even worth hanging around you to make sure your there to call an ambulance of the person collapses.

I would not trust them with my pet hamster in all honesty and I do not even own a pet hamster!

The funny part about it was hearing the “Oh noo ..” or “Whaaaat?!” from three people I know who themselves can be guilty of .. absent mindedness and difficulty believing things you tell them.

I think I have this disbelief well and truly quashed now with one as he did claim as he always does that I was being lied to once again. As I stated previously and probably happens with the readers of my blogs .. just because you think your right and even if something happens that suggest you might be right and have a right to your own opinion .. even combined these things do not make you right.

You have the right to be wrong and being right makes you right, along with the facts.

Something that every idiot in every corrupt, they all are, public services in Britain seems to have forgotten and they all think they are right and often this is down to delusions of grandeur. 'Oooh I work in the NHS .. that makes me a pro .. that makes me right'. No .. I have proven every Doctor I have ever met wrong .. sorry. Lol.

But yeah .. I think that the recent magazine finally quashed one source of negativity towards a situation and I am well and truly pleased about that. Because prior to this the negativity and attitude still put me off going there, along with my .. ailments of course.

You see there was this .. person. Someone kinda of involved from the start .. who kinda started it all and when I did bite the bullet and mention this person I got the usual ..

“Oh? She tell you that, did she?” ergo she is lying.

Unfortunately for them and very fortunately for me .. the magazine article proved that he and everyone else that stated the same was wrong.

It would be nice if they then realised that maybe everything they ever claimed about me, my daughter and the situation was .. wrong? Chance would be a fine thing. But then I do not need them to realise this because I am afraid it is going to be done for them.

Another very hard price both of us have had to pay for many, many .. years!

But while I await this third publication I have to try and deal with the frustration of not walking around the bases of sets of tall buildings and looking skyward to see if I can see a good shot.

I have to deal with the frustration of not being able to walk around an old cathedral, castle or other ancient building looking for some unique shots I can play around with post-processing.

I cannot look for buildings with crazy and unique designs and/or textures that would make an interesting shot I could mess around with in post-processing.

And I am certainly too far away from anywhere that would produce a great natural landscape and can only dream of what I had planed for last year that did not come to light ..

Scottish west coast and Highlands and the Himalayas! God damn it!

Now with a it of luck and at some point next week I may be able to find out if there is a way of dealing with these damned chest and heart issues? At least tat is the plan .. if I do not drop dead trying to get to the GP that is too far away?! God damn it!

LMFAO!

I have no choice presently .. I have to go. I just keep thinking .. it is just two trips, it is just two trips and I am hoping they do not try and blame it on pills I have not taken for three months?!

Yeah .. they have done this sour times previously and have a failure rate of 100% I will very happily point out if they try it.

Oh .. guess what I will take with me so that I am not fucked about? That magazine!

EDIT: Oh-oh-oh and art photography too!

I have always lie art .. paintings and sculptures mainly. At a Hopper exhibit at the Tate years ago, day my dad died unfortunately. Pre-Raphaelites, Rennaisance, the Impressionists and others.