THE FOURTH DEATH

Jesus .. you just cannot win.

I have to consider that there are various ways I can die .. as I only recently discovered though the feelings I get in my chest and heart have been something of a warning for some time now.

Heart attack, cardiac arrest and Sudden Death Syndrome.

What is that you say? That is only three? Oh yeah ..

The fourth is bloody boredom!

Yeah on the rare occasions I do feel OK I have my old enemy dog me and it feels like it dogs me to the edge of death.

When I am OK I hate having nothing to do .. well .. nothing constructive. Like my photography, for example .. oh my God how I would like to be getting out a lot more often than I have been.

It is such a frustrating waste of time and the tools I spent so much money on.

I mean I have managed to use it but I seem to get things flung at me, intended too on occasions, that prevent me from doing what I want to do.

It is odd as with all my previous non-professional cameras where I could have gotten ten times more pictures that I did with a professional one, I had all the time in the fecking world!

The moment I have something of professional standard I started getting shite in the form of obstacles flung at me every five minutes. Almost all of them the public services.

I used to be a short cycle ride from some many very good place to use my camera.

Now I am several bus rides to most of them!

Buses are of course an issue for me ..

• Body gets way too hot in warmer months
• Pain in my feet
• Pain in back and shoulders
• Seizures
• Heart Palpitations, Chest Tightness and Breathlessness (only recent)
• Possible Sudden Death Syndrome, Heart Attack, Cardiac Arrest to think about

It is just such a humongous and .. scary thing to consider those and no one would be blamed for not being able to do things with any one of the above.

It is also far from everything and just the most major ones. Like the memory loss issue for instance.

Now with a bit of luck and with many a year of waiting this might finally come to an end in a matter of weeks. But the waiting just makes everything worse.

I do have plans to help this along a bit but I cannot do anything until the time comes around and then is down to a little .. pleading. Just to show that things are fare worse then they imagined. I am sure the suggestions mentioned by them themselves will likely come to fruition once they see the bigger picture? Fingers crossed. Well .. it has already been stated of their intentions .. it just remains to be seen if it will benefit from a little encouragement? Or pleading?

It is also typical that after freezing my nether regions off .. yesterday morning for several hours despite putting on full length cargo trousers for the first time in weeks and leading me to but a waistcoat .. I get fried alive today. It started out very cool but OK. Then wet to a nice gentle warmth and by 2 to 3pm I was racing for the shade and wished I was wearing shorts!

I guarantee if I had gone out wearing shorts I would have spent the first hour regretting that decision!

It is also odd as I have been surprised at feeling the cold but the I have probably lost around two stone in weight. So I am proper thin and therefore probably why I have been feeling it on colder days?

Since I acquired my professional camera I have opened my eyes to a far wider range oh photography from landscapes to architecture, skylines and geometry and symmetry of buildings. My usual passing interest of monochrome has gotten a lot deeper too and I am constantly on the look out for photographs that give me other ideas too.

I have thought and even actually looked to see if I could find a photography friend .. this way I would feel a lot better being with someone, knowing that if I fall unconscious my gear will be safe. They would have to be aware of the possibility I could just fall unconscious and not only be OK with it but know what to do .. like ring an ambulance. Not that I have any confidence in the NHS but I would like to at least try to remain alive until my daughter is out of her own fiery pit located somewhere in some hot corner of hell?

Yeeaah I do not have anyone that can actually do that.. No chaperone and the only person that could possibly do it is an overgrown child who has zero patience who throws a tantrum if you talk about things he deems are out of bounds and storms off in a huff over feck all. Yeah .. about as responsible as Guinea Pig. Well give you an idea .. out with his grandmother one day she fell down the stairs of a bus and ended up in hospital. Of course as their behaviour is famous and widely known everyone wondered it it was down to his zero patience.

He walked off while I stood still to the point he got a quarter of a mile or more and was out of sight and when he found me two hours later, because he wanted to get a move on ad was getting annoyed, actually asked in a sarcastic tone “Where did you go?!”

Three people I know reacted with complete shock at this and simply could not believe it and I said ..

“Well, yeah. I was [effing] standing still until the point he had walked a quarter of a mile out of sight and he [effing] asks me where I went?! I wanted to say, [effing] nowhere you [effing] dick! I was standing still, it was you that [effing] walked off and left me!!”

Oh and yeah .. he knew about the chest issues and that I had been to hospital but the knowledge of the sudden death, heart attack, cardiac arrest ad other things were not known to me until around a week later, maybe a little sooner? But still .. oh no wait? Yes .. I did know as I distinctly remember saying it at some horse paddocks at the end of one day before returning here.

Yes despite his later lies to someone else that I went on about it for three days .. well it was actually four but never mind, which only makes him like look a selfish twat because you cannot say that I talked about how I can suddenly drop dead for four days when you have just arrived back twenty minutes ahead of me!

Yeah .. that is the effing logic I have to put up with .. while they want sympathy over the spilt milk they have while not only disregarding fatal conditions, claiming something that is not dangerous is worse than something that is most definitely fatal, like cancer, but do not even ask.

Yeah when they are trying to force me to listen to their whines and whinges I start to get angry inside thinking of how months have passed by and my deadly and painful conditions are not asked about nor is that of my daughter.

Even more amazing is their faces when they realise from the look on my face that I am not interested in their painful arm, painful back or mild epilepsy that I have never seen. Lol.

Remember .. these are the worst health conditions in the world according to them and their attitudes and behaviour while cancer and sudden death or not only not even worth asking about once in four months .. it is not even worth hanging around you to make sure your there to call an ambulance of the person collapses.

I would not trust them with my pet hamster in all honesty and I do not even own a pet hamster!

The funny part about it was hearing the “Oh noo ..” or “Whaaaat?!” from three people I know who themselves can be guilty of .. absent mindedness and difficulty believing things you tell them.

I think I have this disbelief well and truly quashed now with one as he did claim as he always does that I was being lied to once again. As I stated previously and probably happens with the readers of my blogs .. just because you think your right and even if something happens that suggest you might be right and have a right to your own opinion .. even combined these things do not make you right.

You have the right to be wrong and being right makes you right, along with the facts.

Something that every idiot in every corrupt, they all are, public services in Britain seems to have forgotten and they all think they are right and often this is down to delusions of grandeur. 'Oooh I work in the NHS .. that makes me a pro .. that makes me right'. No .. I have proven every Doctor I have ever met wrong .. sorry. Lol.

But yeah .. I think that the recent magazine finally quashed one source of negativity towards a situation and I am well and truly pleased about that. Because prior to this the negativity and attitude still put me off going there, along with my .. ailments of course.

You see there was this .. person. Someone kinda of involved from the start .. who kinda started it all and when I did bite the bullet and mention this person I got the usual ..

“Oh? She tell you that, did she?” ergo she is lying.

Unfortunately for them and very fortunately for me .. the magazine article proved that he and everyone else that stated the same was wrong.

It would be nice if they then realised that maybe everything they ever claimed about me, my daughter and the situation was .. wrong? Chance would be a fine thing. But then I do not need them to realise this because I am afraid it is going to be done for them.

Another very hard price both of us have had to pay for many, many .. years!

But while I await this third publication I have to try and deal with the frustration of not walking around the bases of sets of tall buildings and looking skyward to see if I can see a good shot.

I have to deal with the frustration of not being able to walk around an old cathedral, castle or other ancient building looking for some unique shots I can play around with post-processing.

I cannot look for buildings with crazy and unique designs and/or textures that would make an interesting shot I could mess around with in post-processing.

And I am certainly too far away from anywhere that would produce a great natural landscape and can only dream of what I had planed for last year that did not come to light ..

Scottish west coast and Highlands and the Himalayas! God damn it!

Now with a it of luck and at some point next week I may be able to find out if there is a way of dealing with these damned chest and heart issues? At least tat is the plan .. if I do not drop dead trying to get to the GP that is too far away?! God damn it!

LMFAO!

I have no choice presently .. I have to go. I just keep thinking .. it is just two trips, it is just two trips and I am hoping they do not try and blame it on pills I have not taken for three months?!

Yeah .. they have done this sour times previously and have a failure rate of 100% I will very happily point out if they try it.

Oh .. guess what I will take with me so that I am not fucked about? That magazine!

EDIT: Oh-oh-oh and art photography too!

I have always lie art .. paintings and sculptures mainly. At a Hopper exhibit at the Tate years ago, day my dad died unfortunately. Pre-Raphaelites, Rennaisance, the Impressionists and others.

THE TALE OF TWO LIMBOS

I find myself now stranded in not one but two parallel limbos.

Not had the urge or thoughts to write about any particular subjects of late because …. well I simply have not thought or heard of any and have been somewhat … pre-occupied.

There have been a couple of ongoing things and I cannot recall if I posted about it or not but I had a all from the nice lady I met at the IAPT in Enfield. This was over the fact that the anxiety attacks I never thought for a moment I would ever have again, came back and my memory is getting difficult. Cannot work out if things are getting worse or I am just getting tired from it all?

Damn this keyboard … it is fecked, remind me not to ever spend any money on keyboards, especially £150 ones, from PC World ever again!

Anyway that lady from the IAPT told me that there waiting list was way shorter than Mind's as is there counselling and Mind had access to far more things than they have.

I was also told that I should not be having the issues I have had with the DWP and that there is someone that Mind will probably refer me to and told me their name. I had heard of it before so am pretty certain I had contacted them in the past.

Anyway they sent me a letter through with the address of this organisation and will not declare who it is for the time being as … well, prying eyes and all that.

I also realised only yesterday that the DWP have also managed to go 6 weeks without giving me any money at all. Something that one of my friends said was not right. He seems to think that this missing money will turn up with my Universal Credit money? Speaking of credit … he still grants way too many people with far too much of it.

I told my sister a story about him on the phone yesterday. We were speaking about how the only member of my family that was on the social housing list was recently taken off it. Some people thought it was because they turned down one that was offered previously. But my sister probably guessed it correctly when she thought it was because he was earning too much money?

This reminded me of how the public services were being run and I told her that a friend of mine who is into taxidermy, not me, not me lol, bought a crocodile skull in Thailand via legal means He had been trying to get this sent over for a year and has the necessary paperwork.

Recently this arrived at HMRC and he received a letter form them asking for the certification on the item they had. He sent it via email but heard no reply. He sent it via email once again and once again heard no reply. He then sent it by post and once again heard no reply. He then told me he spent several whole afternoons phoning them only to have the phone just ring for ages, even a couple of hours at one stage.

He told me that in the end he got so fed up that he started phoning the same number but changing the very last number hoping he would get through to a different department to actually speak to someone. The first number he tried did not exist. The second number he tried did not exist either but it was literally a case of third time lucky for him and did indeed get through to another department within HMRC.

He then explained to the lady that answered that he had been trying to get a hold of the department in question for weeks What did she say?

“Oh,, sorry about that but we literally have no staff”

I then told my sister what I told my friend … I reminded them that I had recently been in both Chase Farm Hospital as well as Enfield Council's building a few times and that they had no staff and admitted they were running along with next to no one.

So I told them that they all must be like that.

I find it hilarious and I told both of them that I bet the arseholes that do fuck all but get several hundred thousand pounds in salary each year are still in their offices in the upper floors and that staff were you need them are missing?

I wonder how many staff I told were idiots for defending and protecting these arseholes and that they would find themselves screwed over for the same 'legislation' crap are now on Universal Credit?

If your reading this I am sorry to say that … 'O told ya so!'

I have been posting it for four years and preaching it for way over three times that long and probably a lot longer?

I had my second … umm Job Coach meeting which was surprisingly brief. I actually wanted to ask him at least three things and only got to ask one. When I got home I was like “CRAP!!” Lol. Dammit, cannot even remember what the question were!

My anxiety has been back a few times but not as strong as it what previously … give it time though and I am sure it will be back to cause hell?

I guarantee this will be to do with the DWP in some form too? I am sure I am just a week or two away from this Universal Credit and sanctions thing to become a big problem. For instance next week I have found myself to be really busy and have … appointments both Tuesday and Wednesday before I see the Job Coach again on Thursday.

I keep thinking that I am sure there will be trouble before I even get my first payment. Would be bloody typical that they expect people, even fully fit ones, to do leaps, bounds and jump through many hoops while they take six bloody weeks to process your claim and pay you anything. Sanctions before you have even got your first payment? Anyone? Lol.

It is a billion miles away from where I thought I would be at this point this year. Something I still shake my head at in disbelief whenever I think about it.

Despite the fact that things can go wrong and plans to not pan out as you expect them too I still could not have come close to imagining how bad things would be at this point and recently had I even bothered to try.

The pain of boredom and the pain of anxiety while I have to hold several hands of cards very close to my chest. I have to play them close to my chest so I get the best outcome and … acquire the best … information I can get. I could have easily played my cards at any time and would have had the best effect on the situation but I set out to do something very different. To not get the best for me but the best for everybody and I might as well see it through. Would have been very little point in starting all this in the first place if I was just going to … well … umm .. fold,, lol, at some point in time when the going got tough.

I think I have explained fully and in enough detail that the going has most certainly got … tough yet again and arguably worse than ever?

I have one good hand I am holding close to my chest and I am trying to add one good card to that hand that if I succeed is going to have a dramatic and negative effect on everyone I have recently been at war with. Including …. that … judge.

I also have one weak hand too.

In between all this I have this dreaded … boredom. Now that the autumn is finally starting I find myself more bored than ever before. Then there is the flitting back and forth from one to the other while keeping certain things hidden from either a few … factions or everyone I know. That includes everyone that visits my blogs.

Only for another month or two … maybe three.

Playing one hand a certain way means that there will be a massive upheaval like that I went through a little over two years ago. Not really sure I want to go through that again and still have not quite finished what I started at any rate.

There may come a time when it wont be much of an upheaval but until becomes an obvious up and coming reality I have to play things the way I currently am.

If I didn't I would lay myself open to … ridicule once again along with lectures from certain corners and I am not putting myself through that again.

Sound like a couple of limbos? Yeah that is because that is exactly what it is, lol.

At least I now for sure now that I am closer to the end than I am to the beginning! Much closer. At the moment I am aware that this could be merely a few weeks or it could be an entire year? As always it is impossible to say with any certainty and believe me I wish I could.

Yup … loneliness, uncertainty, boredom, fear and anxiety seem to be my constant bedfellows of late and I wonder when they will all move off to pastures new?

Joy, excitement, aim and action all seem to be missing and no spots noticeable on the horizon.

I see in the news that Brexit rumbles ever onwards...

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/bbc-question-time-daily-mail-isabel-oakeshott-emily-thornberry_uk_580008b2e4b0e982146c4de9?utm_hp_ref=uk-news

That piece in the Daily Mail and reported by The Huffington Post states that there was a Question Time and that the political editor of the Daily Mail who appeared on the show, stated that she was more or less fed up with the terms now being used of 'Soft Brexit'' and 'Hard Brexit'.

That is the first time I had heard of these new … terms to describe exiting the EU.

Bizarrely Isabel Oakeshott, the Daily Mail's political editor, stated that what the public voted for was control of Britain's borders. For once the Daily Mail were right as everyone I know voted to exit for that reason as did many people I see commenting online. It seemed to me that a figure in excess of 99% that voted out did so for this very reason.

But the shadow Foreign Secretary, Emily Thornberry, put her head in her hands as if this was some outrageous wish that no one wanted. Apparently Emily Thornberry rather stupidly then muttered “Oh no. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear'.

Except that it states in the report that Isobel Oakeshott received a rapturous applause from the audience!

Jeremy Corbyn's one single solitary problem that leaves him not having a chance of being voted into power is his naïve attitude on immigration that goes hand in hand with what the majority of the British public not only want but bloody well voted for!

Do you get it now, Jeremy?

Insisting on the path you have chosen and acting like most of the British public are wrong and you are right is not going to do you any favours at al. Quite the opposite in fact!

What you have, Mr Corbyn, is a situation in Britain where things are not truly fair and are a very, very long way away from that reality. It is a situation that has been ignored and left to go on for fifteen years plus that now leaves you with absolutely no choice.

Because your not giving the proper message across and along with that you are not agreeing with what appears to be the only solution at the present time.

In other words, Mr Corbyn, there are indeed two solutions and you are not speaking about either one of them. One is guaranteed to work and the other is not but stands a fifty, fifty chance of working.

Without either of these two solutions … you have nothing. Because the ones that voted to leave will only settle for one of these two solutions.

You may also fail to realise that many that voted to remain in Europe also would like one of these two solutions to take place.

In fact a large portion of the ones who voted to remain in Europe are the very faction British people have had enough with.

The real numbers in all this look a lot worse than the actual numbers we got suggested … if you just think about it for a moment.

The ones that voted to leave have all stated that they have a serious problem with immigration and I am willing to bet that a bloody good portion of those voting to stay would also admit that they have issues with immigration too?! But they only voted to stay because of the fear of uncertainty.

I have to admit that even to this day the numbers were not only a real shock to me but still are.

Oddly enough all the public organisations that gave into all this and encouraged these issues are now all on the brink of collapse and all run on a skeleton crew.

So that along with the banks doing what they did really and truly screwed up this nation of ours and have been doing it for so long I am not even sure there is a way out.

What is certain is that something needs to change.

What is certain is that which the public voted for needs to be granted.

Isobel Oakeshott was quite right about this talk of a 'Soft Brexit' and Emily Thornberry fails to see that if you do not provide what most of the nation wants there will be consequences.

It would be like Labour winning the next election and the Conservatives announcing “No! We do not like that so we are staying put!”

Imagine the trouble that would be caused by that?

Putting your head in your hands over something three quarters of the British nation really wants is like telling everyone they are idiots, that they do not know what they want and that you know better.

Your being patronising to a whole nation, more or less.

THE BOTHER WITH BOREDOM

would seriously like to acquire and review a series of gadgets based on technologies that could help with my blogs. Plus one that would only help a little.

Oddly enough it is boredom that is my biggest issue but not only boredom. Unfortunately everything in life is somewhat complex but it depends on just how complex it is. Of course time is the main factor on any given depth to complexities.

My issues stem back years but I did not know what was happening to me and so many things that simply suck about life came along fairly regularly and added to the issues. Of curse these were all public office, bodies and services that are supposed to be there to serve us and preserve a status quo of sorts. Instead they are now only self serving and brekky send out letters to us insisting that we continue to finance organisations that are self serving.

The really stupid reality to this constant lean towards a self serving attitude with a developing God complex actually prevented me from being self serving. They got away with this for an inordinate amount of time because everything was tied up so that they could.

What now seems like eons ago I tried to fight against this but I discovered there was no way to fight it. There might have been an option back then fur someone with a disability but not only was I unaware I had one but when I started to realise I was the NHS kept saying no. I then turned to other organisations and they kept telling me no too!

I started to winner hire it could be that I lived in the society of Great Britain and yet you could tell your country something that only you can really know for sure and they kept telling you no?! How can this be? Then it was a case of just ignoring any demands that cave through my door that were beyond my capabilities and therefore unfair. At times the idiots who are supposed to be been counters were crap at mathematics had there there adding up all backwards. Still the demands came when when it was mathematically impossible?! They would even spend money on legal action and courts when the maths did not even add up BEFORE they started?!

Not very good at being efficient with the cash they DO manage to screw out of people by spending large amounts of it for money that is not at the end of the rainbow. Even when you try to spell it out they totally ignore this and continue on squandering money! Madness!

So this to'ing and froing went on for a very, very long time. Yes there was a point when I realised that I was being lied to by many and deliberately mislead. This was because after awhile you realise that when the save question fails to get answered then there is more gong on behind the scenes. Infuriatingly and typically just as I was realising this and almost perfect timing I had a setback in the way of being physically attacked and then defrauded of thousands of pounds in cash. Cash that was going to fund a real Doctor, private, and a hired solicitor. Oops!

I cannot tell you of the top of my head how long that set me back but at a guess I would say around eighteen months AFTER the event to place?

Then you have to come to with a while new plan in a society that had quite deliberately as well as  systematically removed any and all human rights to you. This includes the possibility of help from both solicitors and police.

So after having an inordinate amount of time wasted I had to concoct another plan but unfortunately it was obvious that the only option left would take money I mostly did not have and a very long time too. Then my daughter was in difficulties and I had to help her but in so doing I found out even more of the corruption and that these people protect bit only themselves but also the corruption going on presently as well as the last twenty years too.

Once I was sure I was not needed any longer I could actually return to my original plans. Plans long overdue!

However what I was beginning to discover is that despite my growing confidence in this matter as I knew I possessed the necessary tools to complete the task however long I took, I had other issues.

I had thought that as my confidence grew and as I edged closer and closer to my ultimate goals that these issues would simply evaporate? Not so.

The issues I have is the one of boredom and quite simply I hate it. I know that mine is unique due to my condition but it does not help, quite unfortunately.

I do not like being indoors but my tiny home and difficult keeping the place from being cluttered make things a great deal worse. My house also gets very hot too and I am suddenly reminded I need to buy electric fans but the temperatures in the house have reached nigh on 50 degrees centigrade, the thermometer did state 54 but I am going to go with that being a false reading, lol. That was my bedroom! My house is small and faces south.

Even if I could occupy myself it gets to damn hot at times. I always hope fur a good sunny summer, of a constant 22 degrees, and a winter without too much rain or wind?! Lol! Last summer was not too bad for the most part but this winter was crap, very crap and prevented me from doing certain things.

So I am somewhat apprehensive about the summer. But today I had one of those days that really fires not help. After my post earlier today I left the house and felt that pain in my right groin, which I forgot I had felt earlier in the day, and felt tired no sooner had I got half way along my garden path! I ended up just retrieving some milk from Sainsbury's and returned home, knackered.

I did a few bits on the Internet VI's the laptop but after awhile switched it off and retired to the bedroom and spent a few hours watching my new Neon Tetras in my aquarium and fed them with the males fighting while trying to fight off the urge to fall asleep!

I bet I do not bloody well get to sleep now?! Lol!

I also hope my energy levels return in the morning and I bloody hate feeling like this! Grr!

This is an example of one of the things I may forget about and whereby this blog comes in handy to jot things down in case I forget. God knows how many things like this I have forgotten to post on here but I beer it would number over 100 and quite possibly several hundred?! Would have been good to have the frequencies down of any and each of the issues/symptoms I experience of Fibromyalgia? I have quite deliberately left off the less significant and boring ones but rest assured that in combination these too can be a pain in the arse!

So yes the boredom is tough. So it is not nice when someone asks you something and you start to think that you can put an end to many of the horrors you have to deal with! Yes I an referring to that question that I am so scared of placing another bock on myself I do not want to mention it....YET!!! Of course as has always been the case the number of naught, which mysteriously includes a few numbers into the hundreds, will always force it to be posted and fur me to rant off about why it was so obviously wrong?! Lol!

I have had a couple of things through the post I have not got around to posting in with scans and on top of that I have yet to publish a fair few photos and videos too!

Sometimes I feel I need something from the Doctor to get me going some days as well as the Sodium oxybate to desk with the sleep issue. Also I read that use of Sodium oxybate was refused in America for use on Fibromyalgia sufferers, which just is not cricket!

Bah-humbug!