THAT CHRISTMAS PART TWO

Mayhem.

Well to me.

I have some pictures of the kids .. well the backs of their heads as they walked into the living room and see their presents. Half of which I did not expect to work out of the box and the other half not working by the end of the day.

It has come close on both occasions and not quite through the day just yet.

It is about to be vacuumed in here for the third time today already and we still have a couple hours to go yet.

It was funny at one point when the grandmother and my ex, and great grandmother came with their presents. I had vacuumed .. I think? Maybe it was after she left? Cannot recall as per normal.

Just been told someone is getting in the bath because they are tired. I am not surprised in the least.

It was good seeing the kids excited but .. there is so much work .. on yeah?

So the grandmother was around and was picking things up off the floor ad she said "God, I am glad I don't have to do this anymore!"

I thought to myself "My God, you have been in here 5 minutes, complaining about the state of the floor .. stating that your glad you do not have to do it anymore and I have been here for getting on for three months, heart and chest issues and now one hell of a anxiety ride to boot!"

They handed me a load of toys to unpack and get working when I am stressed out and tired beyond belief, having anxiety attacks and .. still have this damn Aussie flu virus. That was the second time I had been handed stuff. Some robotic toys were bought from Home & Bargains I told them not to bother with because they will be fiddly, complicated and probably wont work. I had already put together a few things when I got lumbered with that one. Prior to the grandmother arriving. One that the council now does not trust. Which is why I came .. because of someone else as per usual and so often happened in the past.

An end grommit to a shaft for a motor would not fit out of the dozes of pieces that it contained within the confines of its box. During trying to figure this out I was then asked to perform two or three other tasks by the same boy I was trying to do this for. It was insane and there are three other children!

Oh god .. I have just been given another one and this one is a car where the first one was a windmill and I think my brain is going to melt, I really, really do.

I spent all day putting on a brave face but due to the anxiety and chest issues playing up and this damned flu I just kept telling myself .. I cannot do this!

I might have to return by the end of January of things do not pick up, up here in the financial part as I am just haemorrhaging money, more slowly than before but still haemorrhaging money.

I just cannot keep it together and I cannot even retreat to my flat and even if I could .. the anxiety now would just drive me insane.

I am feeling guilty because I do not think I am being a help here any longer and the help they need from me is simply not there anymore. My finances .. yes I could sell my car but if I do that I would end up stranded here and not know how in the hell to get back to London.

It is nowhere near how I pictured it would be and I am going to have to tell them that I feel inadequate .. tired and finding keeping on top of my own health a problem.

This business with the cancer scare just seems to drag on and on as does the business with the children being diagnosed. Well life and health issues do not put themselves on hold until public services sort themselves out and nor do they start when the public services say that they start.

Of course there were fights .. but I am told that is how it is.

I am .. stuck when someone says that because I just do not know. Though I did have younger brothers and a sister and I do not recall it being like this. I had friends with children and do not recall seeing or hearing any stories of it being quite like this.

Never heard of a living room that had to be vacuumed three times in one day either.

Maybe I am just not used to it? Maybe I am just getting old?

Maybe I am breaking the rules of my own health condition when it states that I should not be over doing it? I am also not getting light exercise as my bike is back in London?

Maybe it is a combination of some or all of the above?

Added to this is this damned flu which has hung on and hung on. I am not missing those hospital appointments .. of that I am decided. I have been messed about for far too long about things that should have been checked over a year ago. There is an argument that maybe it should have been long before even that?

The difficulty with he children was not expected and as I stated it has gotten worse since I have been here.

But despite the fact I have thought about going home a great deal .. I always feel guilty about it. But I have tried to get help in all manner of ways but it just has not started to happen.

I figure that if it has not shown any sign of anything positive happening by the end of January then it never will. In which case instead of waiting until it is too late and having to require someone else's help I should plan my return. There will only be a couple of months left on my tenancy anyway by the end of January. I had been told that the landlord had found someone interested in the flat anyway .. bloody typical as I had been told it had been empty with no interest in renting or buying t in six months .. as soon as I am there .. in a matter of a few weeks someone is supposed to show interest in the place?

This is an area where places can go empty for long periods of time, that much is true.

The cooker also id not work and a very nice neighbour, rather cute too, offered for us to use her oven to cook the turkey so there I was in the front garden .. trying to get a defiant autistic two year old to stay in the house while just cooked and piping hot food was passed over to me a but at a time and I ferried it to the dining room. The turkey itself, pork jackets, sausage jackets, flak jackets or whatever they are called along with some roast potatoes and parsnips.

Ooh I must upload the pictures from my phone and upload them to my crowd funding.

Was thinking that maybe every one doubted the validity of the crowd funding campaigns .. what with their being no pictures of children .. or only an old one on one of the campaigns? Stick one or two on for a month and see how that goes?

As for the myriad of presents .. yeah all cash converter and CEX stuff .. well a couple along with some naff things from Home & Bargains. One I could not get to work.

A few people will be gutted if I tell them I plan to return or am just thinking about it.

I am just really suffering, worrying about my evaporating finances, lack of help, flu and .. feeling like a third and rusty wheel right now.

Maybe that will change in time?

Fibromyalgia really turns into a bitch and then you discover no one gives a crap about it .. though ..

.. I was shocked to see that Lady Gaga had it and talked about it in her video Five Foot Two. He exact words were ..

"I do not know how anyone copes with this who has no money"

It was on Netflix .. my daughter put it on.

I must get back to my flat for a night or two and hope that the anxiety does not go wild on me like it did the last tie I tried to do that?

MORE MUSINGS

Was searching for news reports as I have not seen any nor written about any for several weeks now, thanks to this darned anxiety of mine.

I seem to be in a period whereby it comes and goes in waves. What worries me is that it is like a calm before a storm and will just set off on its own or someone, probably at the JobCentre, will set it off.

I also think I am just in this suspended limbo because the court is over and I am just relieved not to be thinking about it and my anxiety running to 8 and 9 and the extremity scale.

I did wake up ... this morning I think with an anxiety attack. This actually passed within minutes but I actually had this while I was asleep and it woke me up to confusion. I was thinking like 'What the hell?!' and wondering how I could have an attack while I was asleep?!

Ahh I remember now ... damned memory. Let me think ... around 11 years ago after my father died and I was threatened with homelessness I had a breakdown that lasted like a year or more. I remember in the early stages and for weeks I would not fall asleep until after 1.00am and then wake up at 4.00am with an anxiety attack. This happened every morning like clockwork. It was very weird.

I am seeing two or maybe even three people soon and I will have to ask them about that, anxiety attacks when your asleep. Makes absolutely no sense to me how that works. When you awake, yeah, your thinking about the things that cause the fear. But asleep? Nope, makes no sense at all to me. Either you have thought about your current fears in a dream, which never occurred with me ever. Or when this thing sets off it works by its own clock or programming that goes on unknown to you?

I found this little link that has everything to do with what has just happened to me. Concerns about the latest huge drop in numbers for people eligible for ESA, or Employment Support Allowance.

I always knew I was part of a bigger plan, even an A&E Doctor admitted that was going on...

http://www.disabilitynewsservice.com/esa-figures-show-very-disturbing-drop-in-number-placed-in-support-group/

How about the DWP making changes to fitness to work that put many disabled people at serious risk and then lied about what it had done?

http://www.disabilitynewsservice.com/dwp-issued-guidance-that-made-suicides-more-likely-then-lied-to-cover-its-tracks/

It is funny really because that judge I saw used her first sentence to sstate that she was independent of the DWP' but anyone in the world standing there would conclude by the end that she had lied. She was totally biased, of this there was no doubt. So much so that I felt shell-shocked when I left the building. I limped back to where my bike had been locked up and got twenty yards before I even thought about smoking an cigarette.

Normally I would be rolling a cigarette while still in the bloody building!

I do so hate it when government, central or local, make changes that they know will cause deaths, any idiot would, and show that their real inner thoughts towards human life are zero at the highest. Some that are secretly amoral may even get a kick out of people dying?

If you was an individual that caused deaths or a company was liable for a death in the workplace then the law would come down on them like a ton of bricks.

So how is it that those in public office and government can make changes that will obviously result in the death of innocent people? To me that is manslaughter at the very least.

Except time and time again it is shown that the law does not apply to certain levels and tiers of British society.

http://www.disabilitynewsservice.com/comment-long-awaited-peer-reviews-suggest-ministers-failed-to-act-after-deaths-of-vulnerable-claimants/

It is funny because in all the people in the medical profession I have spoken to I have had my Fibromyalgia described as a chronic illness. I first saw a notification on Facebook a little while ago, which is how I got to typing this out, and it stated something about the DWP now not assessing people with chronic illnesses.

I had to look that up as I thought the post was wrong ...

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/oct/01/dwp-scraps-retesting-for-chronically-ill-sickness-benefits-claimants

I am going to have to clear up a few things over the coming weeks to do with my own illness. An illness I believe is only gifted from hell. People with far less symptoms than I experience as described it as a living hell. It is. No two ways about it.

I have often posted about my boredom, that is how I got into the habit of photographing and filming wildlife for my YouTube channel.

But I still get days where I am stuck indoors, they never got to hear that, and it really, really, really gets to me. I get sooo bored, I really and truly do.

I even mentioned to a couple of friends over the last 6 months or more that I even thought about doing some volunteer work somewhere. I even stated to a member of staff at Mind that I thought recently about approaching help organisations, except the Citizens Advice Bureau, to offer my services. Help others like I do on here.

I have now spoken to two separate organisations that deal with helping others and they are Mind and Maytree. Each person I spoke to got to hear about this blog at some point, what I type about and what I try to do in enlightening others. Both of these people were really pleasantly surprised and said how fantastic that was. One lady even did a fist pump!

I have not finished going down these two particular paths and a third is about to start imminently. I had hinted to my GP and the previous one for probably 6 months to a year about having difficulties doing things and my memory problems. When that damned anxiety decided to come back with force I was forced to force the issue.

So far two people have not been impressed with the letter I have from my GP and a third would probably be the same if they saw it. I think, however, I am going to get a third one disappointed in it very soon?

Ooh boy, I am not looking forward to the next few weeks and I just know they are going to be a nightmare. I know that whoever I have to visit to do with Universal credit is going to be a twat, they often normally are.

I am going to tell them how it is and they are going to try and force the issue, with nothing to force it with. Other than threats they cannot carry out. I would so like, and I hope, to find someone I can genuinely work with. Not someone who is going to lie about things and use a whip because they have an agenda put upon them by others.

Of course I still have these damned results from the head MRI and the EEG. Though if I do not hear anything within the next seven days I could most probably rule out a brain tumour being found. Was a bit weird though the MRI chap telling me my results will arrive in two weeks when it states clearly on their wall that only cancer and tumour results go through in two weeks. It also stated that all others go through in eight weeks.

Even the appointments came through quick for thew two tests and being two or three weeks time for one and three or four weeks time for the other. That was the first flag that popped up that alerted me that they thought this might be something bad. Then a guy that had seen the MRI of my head telling me the results will be rushed through in two weeks?

So it was a real surprise to not get a phone-call or a letter in the last two weeks. I seriously thought I was going to have a letter tp take with me to court?! But it never arrived.

So I stil have that to look forward to and if it is a cyst but not particularly dangerous right now, despite the fact that I do have blackouts, I might not be told about it until early February. That was on an appointment letter that surprised me when it came through my door. It arrived PRIOR to me having the MRI or the EEG. After what happened, as I explained, with the MRI and because of the symptoms I have that include some odd ones I thought I would get a call or letter a lot earlier?

Mind you, saying that, Chase Farm Hospital is renowned, seen by its own staff and surgeons, for losing paperwork and files. I could not comment about Royal Free Hospital.

I always hate looking for news reports to talk about. Especially those that are big names. Because I have not only known for years they are avoiding many stories that zip about on people's phones like wildfire but of late it has been noted that they are ... selective and in a very bad way. Now and with America's CNN they have been shown to edit things to mean one thing when the real thing, or it or in one case a film piece, meant something else in its entirety. That particular issue with CNN was so badly done they were forced to apologise for it.

I often thought that the American citizens are being lied to as well by the national news networks?

I sometimes complain on here about America but when I do I mean their government.

For the people I empathise with those that realise they have shit and corrupt news networks and the terrible choice, or so it seems, between Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump.

A fair portion of them must be going out of their minds and an even bigger faction just totally blown away with the two choices they ended up with?

Oh we have the BBC reporting on Kim Kardashian yet again and I know her name because she has been reported on so much but no bloody idea who she is! I am guessing here something to do with yet another deplorable reality show?

Ooh another article about Theresa May and Brexit and that reminds me that one of the things that occurred to me in the aftermath of the court appeal hearing is thinking ... 'If Theresa May is anything like that judge ... this country is fecked and even if several of them have these attitudes and lack of empathy ... this country is truly fecked and I may have made a mistake on my vote?' though that would not have changed the outcome.

I had at least two people state the line 'this country is fecked' after being told about what happened at my court appeal hearing.

Oh and Noel, I am assuming Gallagher, is eating Tofu ... well that's nice.

Oh and a former spy talking about how he foiled a terror plot ... better not be the one I damn well helped with, mate! Details and a slither of proof and all the evidence to it have been on this blog for dour whole years, sunshine!

*SIGH* They just do not understand how technology and the Internet works! Dumb-arses!

Some people throwing stones at a Romanian in Northern Ireland? Wow, did not expect them to be having trouble with migrants. A bit silly and not very nice throwing stones though. It does not help your gripes and only makes you look like twats.

A married couple sending money out of the country to their Islamic State militant nephew? My word most people complain to me that they just think that the money has been disappearing out of the UK for years because of the foreigners and migrants in the UK? Of course they would be right ... but how bad it is if it is really high enough to cause a problem? I simply do not know. But that does not matter when people think something en masse. That is a problem and if not dealt with becomes a far bigger problem. So better deal with ... ooh wait? Yeah we had the referendum and its already blown up in their faces!

Going to be a tough couple of years, that's for sure.