THE N.H. MESS

Well I touched upon the N.H.S with the last post and this one going a bit further with them and they are now the focus of this post.

So Jeremy Hunt, another without his own mind .. I am sure they are a hive mind in the Conservative Party, was planning to set up these health group .. things, called ACOs or something?

But a bunch of people, Stephen Hawking included, decided that these were so plan to stealthily privatise the N.H.S at a later date by encouraging private companies to bid for the ability to provide services.

I did not look into deeply but then they decided to take Jeremy Hunt and NHS England to court so would I really need to?! It is Stephen, bloody, Hawking for the love of God?!

So we have the Tory government's current state of a complete mess that is the DWP not only listed as inadequate, by their own admission recently too, and referred to as a 'Human Catastrophe' by the EU?!

A shame that the EU did not step into the frame earlier? Maybe the vote might have gone differently? Oh well.

Now you have the NHS which has endured many shocking revelations in the media and its worst yet to come now being taken to court?!

If that is a not a mess that is only destined to get worse then I am afraid that I simply do not know what could be listed as a mess?

My last of my three main targets have not escaped of late either and there have been several reports regarding local councils getting up to shady things too.

This is not only a damned script that seems to be going to keep on writing itself throughout the entirety of 2018 after the last few revelations but I know of several confirmed inbound revelations too that themselves will play out between this coming month, tomorrow, of February and will continue to do so into next year of 2019.

I have stated previously that I would not like to be Theresa May right now and for that matter, no one anywhere near her, but .. yeah there was a reason and in all honesty I would not want to be Theresa May throughout the rest of 2018 and throughout 2019.

I feel pretty confident right now that this will be something talked about in the history books of the future.

Well I think it is safe to say that around a year from now we can start saving some real taxpayers money and start to wave bye-bye to the real vampires of British Society that take a lot of money while doing very little and they intend to do very little too..

 ..

OMBUDSMAN!!

I saw this on the BBC and thought you should see it: NHS plans: Privatisation or progress? - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-42873285

NEWTON'S LAWS

Well, well, well.

I was going to type out a post regarding a Tory MP, Sarah Newton I believe her name was, and her statements about reports of people dying due to the welfare cuts was lies and scaremongering.

I was wondering if she would become besieged with emails?

I was wondering whether anyone would mention Calum's List to her and the fact that the website was shut down as opposed to being ridiculed for being wrong on the TV News programmes or national tabloids. Or in the House of Commons or some committee? No they just quietly shut it down while no one was looking.

I was wondering if she would become besieged with tweets on Twitter?

The Facebook page for DPAC had disabled people going wild over her claims. Christ, even I liked the report but submitted I was angry about it.

There was a name that sprang to mind when I read it .. a friend of a friend. One that tends to like her feelings being known and renowned fit this, according to Gail.

Well blow me down if I don't go and spot a new report via Flipboard and the Tory MP on question gets heckled by a couple of protesters.

I'm now up after being blown down and you can blow me down again if I don't go and spot the name, Paula Peters in the report?!

Hmm wondering if it was Laurel now instead of Gail that informed me of this warrior woman? I think maybe it was both which was why she had always stuck in my mind?

Yeah .. without looking I've not gone and published several posts about people dying on benefits because of the cuts. Two mothers and a man found dead in front of his house. The latter not being deemed important or close enough to life-threatening to warrant an ambulance being sent?!

Yeah .. one .. poor, poor man killed by both the DWP and the NHS in one fell swoop. But no one is dying because of either of those public services that don't do much when it comes to .. well .. services. One man's death reflecting badly in two public services. That's without even SEARCHING?!

Jesus Christ, man! So these idiot Tories even know what the Internet is?!

Do they even know what smartphones are and what they are capable of?

Have they any fucking idea what social media is?!

Or do they think they can just throw the words 'fake news' about and everyone starts disbelieving what others tell them online? Yeah .. that's never going to work in anyone's reality! But then these Tories have a very funny, bit too mention warped, idea of what reality is.

Good luck Ms Newton .. your going to need it, very much so, moving forward.

You have the right to any opinion you like .. that's your right. But this does not make you right. You bloody idiots. I thought these people were supposed to be intelligent?!

LMAO!!

http://flip.it/OcfZZm

PIPPED AT THE POST

I never thought I would see the day?!

I'd been hearing that something was supposed to change with PIP, or Personal Independent Payments. I was told something on the phone earlier today. I decided to look to see if there was anything reported by the BBC via their app and there is.

"The government was wrong to cut PIP benefits in the first place, wrong to bring in the PIP regulations last year and it was wrong to repeatedly ignore the views of the courts"

That was a quote I agreed with but I never thought I would see quoted and especially after the government, or at least someone, admitted they were wrong.

But what bought about this sudden change?

Have they saved enough money and decided to ease off the brakes?

Have they realised that it's not actually helping their cause?

Have they realised that they are not going to look good to anyone offer this and in fact look bad?

Have they realised that the history books of the future will reflect badly in them?

Have they realised that with the Internet in everyone's pocket now they can't hide what they truly are?

Did they read any of the above on this blog and shit their pants? Hard? Boom!! Lol.

I don't know what the truth is but I'm just relieved to hear this news. I'm pleased for so many people that are suffering, have been suffering but which might now come to an end?

I also can't help wondering if this is why both myself and my solicitor heard from the HMCTS out of the blue? This seems to suggest that I am likely to get my own PIP back but I'll believe it when I see it and .. it's a bit too late to prevent a whole load of damage done to me and others around me.

However .. this might be repairable. As and when the previous decision is reversed and I am paid.

It's a little .. annoying right now but I've got it in hand .. to a degree ..

I've got three possibilities right now .. well, no actually it's four possibilities.

As I'm constantly .. well around a third of my time thinking about someone, another third of the time thinking about someone else and the last third .. keeping busy, doing jobs, cycling too far and .. collapsing because of greying and blacking out. Good job this room is bloody narrow!

I was spotted going .. so to speak and I didn't realise until I heard someone say "What was that?" and it took a few seconds for me to wonder if they were talking to me. I turned around and they were indeed looking at me. I said "nothing". They then assumed it was the stuff on my room. I said "It's not that .. don't worry about it" but they don't worry anyway.

Someone else spotted .. something else and asked what it was and I replied "it's nothing, don't worry about it".

These people are not used to me .. not revealing things when asked. Not used to me not informing them of things either.

It seems no one had paid much attention in the last five years?! Lol.

Didn't expect things to get a bad as they did, in all honesty. But then I didn't expect the government and public services to do what they are doing to their very own people. Well they were already treating their own people badly and have been for a number of years. But not to the depths that they have the last year or two.

Hopefully this news report now signals that this is coming to an end and things will turn around for a lot of people? Hoping this occurs due a few I know as well as myself?

It's going to be an interesting couple of months, that is for certain.

A few weeks to a month for three things I have going on to pan out OK. One of these I've tried to pull off for five years now. No. Two of these I've tried to pull off for five years. One took a little longer than I thought. Another took a lot longer than I thought. The other .. has had a delay of a couple of weeks. But two have the potential to be productive in a few days to a couple of weeks. The other two have the potential to be productive in a couple of weeks to a couple of months.

In the meantime I have to sort out two things .. I'm holding off for one .. which I may be able to do in person .. and get done quicker, my passport. The other can be done later on .. maybe not even here?!

For now I only need one to get by and get things .. done.

Oh boy .. just one thing becoming productive would have me racing off with a smile.

Ooh boy .. two things would have me leaping with joy.

Oooh boy .. three things would have me pass out from shock.

Oooooh boy .. four things? Shit .. I only have my own blood pressure monitor .. I need my own defibrillator?!

We are talking one month here. Not two or three years as before for one single plan, no-no-no. I say again, just one month. At the outside. By then some things should be done and the others should have set dates or would be obvious what was going, or indeed 'not going', to happen. One month .. or less.

I keep imagining giving out that bloody big sigh of relief. That slowly escaping breath you get from some big relief, knowing that what had stressed you out for so long is finally over. For good.

Ooh boy.

PIP from my POSTS?! LMAO!

I saw this on the BBC and thought you should see it: Personal Independence payments: All 1.6 million claims to be reviewed - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42862904

A NICER MAN

This .. I simply don't believe!

Nick Knowles, TV presenter, has been accused of cruelty by his wife who claims to have photographic evidence?

At least that is what is being reported by the Daily Mail.

His name is one that turns stomachs among my family members. Even one brother refused to read the headline and said "I don't want to know about anything to do with him" but then said "Oh!" when I informed him about the accusations.

Oh-oh-oh I must share that story with friends and family members?!

Right, done that.

To my surprise Jessica, Knowles's soon to be ex-wife, has trouble paying for legal fees to fight him. 

That is a shock to me I have to admit. He has been accused of refusing to pay for the the private schooling of his own son. He had also been accused or refusing to provide a home.

There seem to be other things in the accusations to.

This is really strange. It would appear that I am going into a period where everyone that has done anything bad to my family, possibly me too, is going to pay in ways that they cannot even begin to imagine?! Lol, I still have some waiting to do but .. it certainly appears that way to me and for the next month it is going to be .. no, seem very bizarre to me. It has been a long time coming, that is for certain.

They, the BBC, and Nick Knowles embarrassed my father on TV, though they later realised their mistake, and he was dead within a year of that. Five hundred (yeah, 500) people at his funeral all blamed the BBC for his death. It certainly did not help.

It involved a Lion. Well, a Lioness to be precise.

In the meantime .. I have to wonder why I have not been contacted on Facebook? Yeah .. Facebook has become a possible line of communication. Did not expect that and did not think it was. Yeah .. I did check actually. Lol.

Maybe things are not how they have been .. portrayed? Lol, that would be somewhat sad and .. cause something of a heart breakage. I cannot recall the last time I felt like that .. or like this, for that matter.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-5322357/Nick-Knowles-estranged-wife-Jessica-hits-denial.html

THE REARS WITH THE LOW IQ

I've been hearing and seeing this story for weeks now.

A whole bunch of rape cases falling apart at the seams!

A whole bunch of upcoming cases are now going to be looked at and a Judge has .. demanded something .. maybe a meeting with the Crown Prosecution Service? Damn short term memory loss!

So the Police and/or CPS have screwed up a load of rape cases and I'm wondering what else they have screwed up?!

Well .. I can tell you now I've been indirectly involved in two cases, one domestic violence case and one involving what started out as attempted murder but became a full on murder case three days or so later when the victim died in hospital.

They screwed up one of those cases which the court hearing has now been placed in the public domain.

I don't know if they screwed up the other but .. they certainly made a calamitous error .. that was nothing short of astounding.

It's not quite over for the Police as .. they .. very recently lied about a cases evidence. They also got it very wrong just like these rape cases.

The British Justice system is not going to look good either.

We were told that two things were going to come from the case .. one didn't even come close and the other .. doesn't appear to be the case.

That's about as far as I go on ride details other than to say that the is more to it .. a catalogue of stuff to be honest.

I've been talking to someone here in London I've not really spoken to much in the last few years. I have been surprised to hear what he now says about this country. It more or less mirrors what most other British people say, even those I've spoken to that are 250 miles apart with very different accents ..

This country is finished.

I don't like to think like that nor be that negative or resigned.

In fact I've been a little more positive about things than I have in a long, long time. Some of that is down to getting in top of some of my mistakes which I am whittling down now to the last few. But I have to confess that some of it is down to a certain person. Not without a little suffering, I might add.

But .. sometimes .. once in awhile .. revelations can come with a few .. perks. This might be, or it looks to be, the case very soon. Possibly?

Think of it like reversing back to where you started. Possibilities exist that could end up being even better than how it was at the beginning. For any beginnings that took place within the last year of 2017.

I could very well be visiting those places I wanted to visit so very much with my camera gear?!

The Peak District, Scotland and Snowdonia could well be visited before very long?!

Time will tell but most of all I hope to close the mouths to some very negative people back here in London. Ooh it would be great just to be able to do that. This alone would put a smile on my face. Seeing a particular someone too would likely have a certain part of me .. melt!

This time there is no lengthy wait that goes on for a couple of years.

This time it will be obvious what is going to happen within a week or two and .. the perks and shutting people up once and for all in two to four weeks?

Fingers bloody well crossed!

I saw this on the BBC and thought you should see it: All current rape cases to be 'urgently' reviewed over disclosure fears - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42841346

THE PIED PIPER & THE RATS

Well what do you know?

It would appear there has been a BBC report that exposed the NHS providing mishearing figures on A&E performance which was suggested by a regulator.

Yet another organisation I've never heard of no doubt funded by the public's purse, NHS Improvement were reported to have suggested to the NHS Trusts to pull in and combine figures from minor injury centres.

Yeah so there you go .. again. For the umpteenth time the NHS has been found to be lying. That's an ever growing number of times along with the ever growing number of times they have been accused of covering up something.

Quite busts bizarre is the fact they it never occurred to NHS bosses and Trusts failed to realise the very likely snowball effect that goes hand in hand to being found out.

The more revelations rise to the surface the kite people discover the truth. Each discover of the truth has the potential to be someone with suspicions of their own that then end to investigating or go on some .. vendetta?

I saw this on the BBC and thought you should see it: How accurate is hospital A&E data? - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-42836931

THE MANY ANSWERS

Well I have been at it a little more in the last few days.

There are several things to sort out still but I am getting there. I have managed to do several things in the last few days. So this week it has been solicitor, bike, blog, DWP and a little sorting out of my storage facility.

So four things in a week and a little re-arranging. Not all re-arranging required but somewhere close to half of it.

There are other things that have occurred but am not going to go into them at this time .. due to safety reasons and a few other things.

I still .. think about someone and I do not think that will ever stop .. but there may be an answer to that one. A light at the end of the tunnel, if you prefer?

I cycled ten miles yesterday and two things became obvious .. I was not going to make it and .. cycling is what causes the stinging and aching in the area of my inguinal hernia repair. I had always strongly suspected it but .. after not having been bothered by it for many months, five maybe, it was back yesterday.

I did get back in the end, with some walking along to let my legs rest, but I kept collapsing after I got back as my left knee was striking with pain every now and then trying to crouch down. Odd as there is a physical issue with my right knee, as spotted by two NHS Orthopaedic surgeons that was later omitted from any report. No, this was my left knee in pain.

Of my tasks .. there is one I need t do myself and one someone else is supposed to do for me and another I need help and a van for.

The one I can do myself .. will take time once it is done. But I will need to do it and so it is something I will do very soon.

As for the journey yesterday .. I forgot that when I did it there were puddles everywhere and I had originally intended to wait a few more days for them to dry out. The weather app on my phone stated that it was supposed to remain dry from Thursday, 25^th January, to Monday 29^th January. Except today it states something completely different. Tomorrow it is supposed to be raining?!

The other thing I forgot about the journey is that as soon as I got down to the river path a wind was blowing straight at me. This got stronger and I had several periods were it blew fairly hard and one where it stopped me altogether. That was despite the fact that I had been in a very low gear and on my smallest chain ring. I never ride in the smallest chain ring and nor do I use such a low gear either but that is what I did for the entire journey.

Not heard anything about the car .. which is becoming a trifle .. worrying. Everything else could have been sorted with that and I thought that at least by now I would have heard of a couple of people enquiring.

Has me doubting it has even been advertised which considering I have been back here awhile now and got many other things done .. is somewhat confusing.

I have also managed to work out that when my anxiety dissipates the heart palpitations start to occur and when the anxiety is back the palpitations seem to bugger off on their holidays?!

You just cannot win with some things.

Next week is going to be somewhat .. interesting and the four weeks that follow on from that as there are some things in the pipeline that might just work out. It might become obvious as soon as next week? Time will tell. This will be pretty good .. all around for a whole number of things. It could mean some more major changes but we will wait and see. Been in this situation before on here and if there is one thing I have learned in the past three years or so .. nothing quite works out how you think it will. So I am just going to let it play out.

I wish I could say more because I could get a particular someone quite excited and pleased but I cannot nor will I. I also could get into trouble legally for saying anything and very likely would at this stage. If a particular thing happens next week then that changes everything so .. if your reading this .. yes, you, then just hold out a bit longer.

I have made some pretty big mistakes the last few months and I think now I may be able to rectify all of these mistakes. It certainly looks and sounds good right now. There will be some major repercussions that I have personally been waiting for, for a long, long time.

Trust me on this when I say that I cannot wait for this and it is kind of imminent.

There will be some panic stricken knee jerk reactions but that has already been prepared for and let us say for now that there will be some .. FOCUS .. on a great deal of things.

In fact this has already kinda started and is in the public domain but .. it is only just beginning and I kind of knew what would be coming next. I had to explain this to others that got something of a shock. I then reminded them by saying “If you recall .. I Did state this the other day?!” to which they then remembered exactly what I had said a few days beforehand.

From this .. a great many things are possible and despite the fact that they might not all unfold as as already been explained .. many will.

In fact let us just say there is some .. investment in this.

I have kept this quiet because of certain parties finding out about it but some have now realised and .. there have been odd phone-calls, phone conversations, refusals to requests that were outright lies and I am expecting at least one more from one single source.

You could say that there are cracks in three of the four walls and I would be over the moon with any single one of them but .. to get all three?! Then add another to the usual three?!

Trying to not be excited by all this is somewhat .. bloody difficult.

But I keep saying to myself that let us just wait and see how it plays out. It will certainly play out, that is for sure but it is difficult to know who to trust right now.

Someone was going to be told but then later it was decided that they would not .. things certainly do whizz around at times. It is hard to know what to do and who to talk to.

I know who it is I want to talk to.

Not anyone around here that is for certain.

I am excited but that is because I am also kind of sad. I have been sad for awhile now and if it is not anxiety it is worry and when it is not worry it is sadness. Though I do not really show it. Nor do I talk about it either. Well there is only one person I would like to speak to and that feeling I have had for awhile now.

There are those that said I should have taken my chance at the time and now say I should have taken my chance while I still had it. But I did not want to do this in the .. mood I was in. Though knowing me I could have likely pulled it off .. maybe?

So I am excited because I may be able to end the sadness along with everything else? I may already be on the road to actually doing this already? But .. imminent events can put the proverbial tin hat on that in a single heartbeat.

Still .. something might slip out I the meantime? It might tonight, for all I know?

Sometimes distance gives you some perspective and .. sometimes that distance also might mean that you have burned all or just some of your bridges. As it has been turning out I have not .. but there remains one bridge that needs to be built and .. it is a pretty big bridge! But then the imminent thing is a pretty big thing and I have already made strides in correcting my previous mistakes and those things I forgot or was not aware of. Big strides.

Google, the DWP, the car and a whole swathe of other things .. darn it?! Just remembered I might need to get a temporary GP?!

That white woolly hat.

I have actually had one or two ask me if I have a picture. I do not, sadly. I have also been asked to look for someone on Facebook but as I told them, that would be too weird and besides that I simply would not know where to look. I do not have all that I would need to preform any search anyway.

Yesterday pain and worry actually stopped me from thinking about that which I normally do .. which was a first. I was worried .. about something .. in fact I felt guilty when I realised I had not thought about it because of pain, tiredness and muddy paths combined with strong winds. In fact a couple of people did not think I would make it and even noticed it was windy and thought I would .. conk out, so to speak. Well I kinda did .. but I did not care as it was preventing me from thinking about too many things.

Paying today though and though I am surprised I can actually walk after that ten mile ride .. I know my legs are buggered. Still .. at least I am not getting the knee pain today I was yesterday that had me collapsing against the walls and nearly falling down the stairs several times!

I was tempted to get out on my mountain bike but thought I had better not push my legs and knees .. oh not forgetting my groin, too far. Inguinal Hernia repair .. stings a bit if I overdo it with the cycling.

Still cannot believe I have felt like I do as .. well .. it .. umm .. was so long ago last time I simply cannot recall and I might never have felt like this before?

Funny when I think about it .. love, revenge and a few other things might be just around the corner?

GOOGLE GO & GET BACK

When I started this blog the one thing I realised early on is that Google do not respond to you until you have started to receive money from them, or after your first ever payment.

I found this aloof God-complex like attitude to be somewhat annoyingly rude. Combined millions of people, tens of millions of people and maybe hundreds of millions of people were all making Google money. But they remained aloof, quiet and .. quite unapproachable.

As I reported recently I noticed to my very dear cost that in a year where I was very busy and had my short term memory problems, do not forget, that my first payment threshold simply remained tantalisingly out of reach.

One night about a month ago I noticed that my adverts were missing. I then realised that they must have been missing for a whole year or more?! This would explain why the threshold was never reached!

So I used the feedback utility on Google's Adsense screen to point out my missing ads and ask as to why as they did not even have the courtesy to tell me they had done it nor the reasons as to why.

As I stated .. they never get back to you ..

.. they got back to me!

As it turns out they had indeed been removing my adverts and this made me really angry as this failure to pay contributed to problems of late that cost me dearly.

It also turns out that they linked a post .. wait, let me check .. right a post from the 29th December 2016! So yeah .. over a year now!

They stated there might be others!

It also turns out that this was for one of two reasons ..

A particular scandal to do with pizzas and very short garden doors that I gave my views about at the time, which I had wondered might get me into trouble as it had others, or .. when I checked the labels, or tags, might have been a typo over something as simple as a COMMA in the wrong place?! I kid you not!

Anyway .. I decided not to delete the ten posts or so that contained this subject and instead corrected the comma and the *****gate word from the labels/tags.

I clicked on the button to state that the matter had been resolved and then went to place a test advert on this blog .. but it still was not coming up.

So I do not know currently if .. this is something that simply takes twenty four hours or I am banned for some unknown period of time?

I sent them another feedback message, complained about them being vague, said if it was to do with mention in the main body of the blog that they need to bloody well provide a search word function for this and said I hope it was not over the comma typo and that I only ever give me views over stories reported by others.

I also mentioned that I do indeed have a solicitor handling something else and that they had better get back to me as I would hate to have to converse with her over this .. all because they were too aloof and lazy to send me an email notification!

The fact that they responded seems to tell me a few things too ..

It would appear that in the year since they removed the ads and very possibly because of a post I did recently that has raced above 2,000 viewers in just a few weeks that the checked and suddenly deemed me noteworthy enough and popular enough to answer my queries despite having not received anything from them in the way of money?

Interesting .. annoying but at the same time .. interesting.

ONCE MORE THE MERRY-GO-ROUND

I received a message tonight about a report of an NHS cover up.

When I asked further about it they days it was something to do with epilepsy.

I then realised I had seen something about this story on the news. Though I didn't catch it all and had to go out.

Oh if it turned out to be a cover up I would be happy about that beyond belief. Because I've known for awhile now that there are some bad things going on within the NHS and it doesn't appear to change when you have moved 250 miles north .. west.

I'll have to check that out further.

On the exact same day there is another BBC report about children's health being affected adversely in England. Yeah I've seen that first hand.

Child services was referred to as 'disjointed' due to public health cuts was stated.

The government stated that "world-leading plans" for child health were in place.

Yeah right. Where?

I was astonished at the absolute lack altogether of help. Save one hamper of food that was provided to the council by charities anyway .. so not from the social workers at all. Not really so technically there was no help. When asked they said 'ask the community' in a roundabout way. I say this showed their naivety to what is happening in the real world outside there offices. Everyone is struggling everywhere and especially where I was.

I think 2018 will have more revelations regarding the public services than any other year previous to it.

As for my Aussie flu .. for a couple of days I actually thought it had gone. For the past twenty four hours I've had a slightly sore throat. Like the one you get that almost feels like the sore part is a lump.

In the meantime I wonder if the NHS will outdo itself further?

Sometimes it becomes obvious that you cannot go upwards, or improve, unless you hot the very bottom first. This has been obvious to me for awhile as merely trying to inform people who are mostly naive is simply not enough. Of course trying to inform people who are merely all amoral in reality, if not outwardly, wont work either.

So I often look or wait for signs that each public service has a news report on them to say they have hit rock bottom. This means a widespread habit of lies and cover-ups.

Yes as it turns out it is that report about the Epilepsy drug Sodium Valproate ad has caused disabilities in babies that Norman Lamb MP is referring to as a "scandal".

How many more times do we need to go around the various merry-go-rounds?

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/epileptic-mothers-to-sue-nhs-over-defects-9269168.html?amp

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-42717083

There are, of course, lots of other claims of cover-ups .. a hospital administered overdose kills a baby?!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-4459082/Huge-overdose-kills-baby-hospital-jab-blunder.html

THE DECISIONS THAT BREAK US

Ooh boy.

Do I feel like a right idiot.

I have been discovering that I got played just prior to making a very big move where I exchanged one living hell for another.

The difference is that one hell was kind of brought about because of my memory problems and not used to being around children at all. Especially very active children. Plus autistic ones, only having a friend with an autistic son and I really did not see him that much.

I was lied to.

I should have known better.

But in running like I did, which I kind of had to do anyway, I ran way from .. possibilities. Good possibilities.

What I have now is not a situation, OK well I kinda do to an extent, but .. someone who could drive me over the edge. In fact I had to warn them about this and they said “well your just going to have to learn to deal with it” which means in a round about way I will have to .. let them go on about things that mean nothing.

What happens is they do not like hearing anything new .. but instead when you try to talk about anything new use it as an excuse to interrupt to talk about themselves, something from many years ago that you have heard fifty to a hundred times and no exaggeration and .. not even remotely related to the story you was telling which is new and unheard. When you point this out they insist that it is and to allow them the chance to complain about themselves for the next hour or two they then try to say that you wont know until they have finished. There have been countless times where I have waited for an hour or two and I have then said “well you have finished and it is still not related!” Bearing in mind it is always something you have heard so many times before you could recite it backwards while blindfolded.

Absolutely everyone knows that they do it and no one knows why they do because no one knows anyone else nor have ever met anyone else that does this.

Oh and you can be interrupted several times, it is never as few as just once.

Now when your simply trying to tell them something new and had a bloody crap memory and know you will forget what you said .. it is even more frustrating.

The fact that they know this and still do it anyway .. makes it even more frustrating.

When your life is up in the air .. been stuck 250 miles away from home and the woman in the local shop ignores you when you say hello .. and only get a response when you giver her a direct question .. like “Did you give me that £10 mobile phone credit when I was in here yesterday?” did you get a response. Well if you were from out of town that is and it was obvious.

Oddly they all watch Eastenders up there so you would think the responses would be positive 100% of the time? Some are good .. most are average .. some are not so good. But that really did not bother me that much. Until my anxiety was off about other things and then everything bothers you.

But this was ratcheted up quite deliberately and the fact that the reason I was there already ended up in the Liverpool Echo did not seem to deter her. The fact that situation was that bad that it was front page .. I think it was, and that I was helping the people that were involved in the story and that this liar was related to them, yeah that did not deter her either.

But let us say the following ..

I had a coat here. It was a North Face coat and I thought it was mine. Except a few days ago when I put it on .. it rode up my arms and I thought “What? What is wrong with this coat .. oh!”.

It belonged to a ten year old boy. He was upset about losing it and I had been to a property just prior to coming back because it was missing and they thought it had been left in the old property. It had not and that was the day I was played like a bitch.

So it had been thought lost for several days when I received a text asking if I had bought it back to London by mistake. I said that it had and that I would post it that day.

Well .. it was posted guaranteed delivery and it arrived today only .. when the boy saw it he was a bit confused .. “But Nan said you sold it for ciggies?!”

Yeah .. I got played like a bitch .. but I told the whole story .. a story I held back with because someone was so low that I did not want to make things any worse by explaining it all. Even when I was accused of being the worst person in the world. The worst parent in the world. I played the villain because that was who I needed to be at the time to not make anyone feel any lower than they did.

I do not know how the whole story was taken .. I might not have been believed, whatever their reaction was.

But then she went and told her own grandson that his another sold his North Face coat for ciggies and when I get the text earlier today .. I was first shocked that she would tell her own grandson this and then .. I laughed.

In one fell swoop just as she thought she could cause more mayhem between those I left behind .. she dropped herself right in it and it was the best £11 I ever spent!

“Well I learnt my lesson .. I thought she had changed?!” and I said “Oh don't. When she bought me that North Face coat I actually started to think that she had changed and the lies and manipulation had stopped!”

The North Face coats were identical that is how the confusion came about .. she .. caused it! Lol.

I know why she did the lying. It should have been obvious and it was something I thought could occur if something was ever realised. Upon hearing the anger over what was said to me I then simply asked one question. If the answer was 'yes' I would immediately know why she did it. The answer was 'yes'.

I KNOW why she did it.

That is all I will say on here because I know the eyes that pry.

What she does not know is that there are other eyes that pry. I have known this form day one and I would not like to be in her shoes over the next couple of months!

There are a few ears too that are not going to be impressed either!

Oh dear, oh dear! Lol.

I should have picked up myself on a couple of things too, again my memory and the anxiety I was already experiencing failed me. Some people were disappointed in me and I do not blame them, but I had many reasons and the lies told to me were the main ones.

The anxiety came about because the money was getting low for me and then I was panicking about the car .. which was all arranged but then I had left the logbook in London. If it was not for the logbook and the lies I would still be there now. I had spent weeks fighting off the feelings of anxiety to stay there as long as I could and try to correct my mistakes. Except bizarrely it was only after I got back that I realised that correcting them up there might have been impossible?

Fortunately I have found my logbook after returning and the car is being taken care of. Hopefully which reminds me I must send a text about that.

I have to do two other things .. well four to be honest ..

• See solicitor, drop off package and sign release forms for medical records
  • Told her about other things that she may or may not help with
    • Google Adsense Ads
    • Universal Credit
    • Somewhere to live
    • No deposit back or references from house I lived in ten years
• Sell that damn car
• Get a up to date passport (Identification Issue)
• Get an up to date Drivers Licence (Identification and Driving Issue if I ever drive again)

The only thing is the Drivers Licence might be a waste of time .. because I might not be allowed to drive or now I have found out there are certain types of driver's licences called .. medical .. wait a minute?

https://www.gov.uk/driving-medical-conditions/renewing-or-reapplying-for-your-licence

https://www.gov.uk/renew-medical-driving-licence

Yes, there you go. If you have a medical condition it may turn out that you cannot drive at all or you have to have a Medical Driver's Licence, which I had never heard of before until I was looking up about whether I would have mine taken away.

I mean I was OK driving back but with a chaperone and .. well then there is the memory problems and I did end up in Nottingham when I first went up to Birkenhead and in all the years I have driven I have never done that before!

I just could not get used to my way around and it was taking longer than usual and if I was with someone else it was fine as they showed me where to go. But alone I needed the GPS system, which was old in all honesty and took me the wrong way a lot as well as the long way a lot.

As for me .. there is that .. nagging thing I cannot stop thinking about. Well there are a lot of things but there is one that is boring into my brain in a way that I did not expect. Ah .. I just put my head in my hands as I thought about and typed it!

Jesus Christ what is wrong with me?! I really am not used to feeling like this. It has been so very, very long. I know what I think it is .. well I am sure of what it is but .. this is me here?! This does not and has not happened in a long, long time.

That is why it has bothered me so .. how can this be happening? It makes no sense at all .. and that kind of makes me curious. That has me asking myself, why?

That white woolly hat!

THE COLD LIGHT OF DWP

Yeah well it's the government really isn't it.

There is being Conservative and then there is being evil, lacking any compassion whatsoever and beyond cruel.

So it meant a great deal to me to read that someone that had been sanctioned for a whole year had won a case against the DWP.

However .. I'm more shocked that the DWP actually carried out this particular threat.

I only found out about this rule after I had arrived in Birkenhead and only when I'd worked out I had to claim Universal Credit and got to the Job Centre for my initial visit. I had already lost several weeks money by then and then told I lose another week, as all new claimants do.

That's doesn't include the NEA and Working Tax Credit payments along with Carers money I was supposed to receive but never got a cent of.

Instead I lost around £6,000 that the DWP and Wirral Council contributed to. Good God, I hate that council with a passion! Have done for 25 years roughly and partly responsible for my bloody life. Well, along with the NHS and DWP.

Oh look? I end up mentioning the 'evil trinity' once again.

Despite the number of areas and councils in the UK you can usually find the evil trinity in operation somewhere.

The one thing you cannot escape from is all of them as the DWP operate everywhere .. unfortunately.

The council's and NHS are broken down into areas and trusts respectively. I can't imagine you can escape the lies and refusals of the NHS, mind you. Maybe in rare cases?

I'm also shocked that the report states that the housing benefit was stopped as I was told by the Job Centre in Price Street, Birkenhead that they cannot touch your rent payments. Nice .. so you have a roof over your head while you either starve to death or freeze to death. See? The Tories do have compassion!

I am sort of facing a similar problem .. though I am lucky enough to have a solicitor .. who I hope can help with my situation?

I'm undecided presently about so many things and that includes where I am going to live off I ever get into a position to be able to choose somewhere to live.

I've also been out with my camera ..

Though if I'm honest and as much as this was great and a relief to do .. it was cold the first time .. and tiring .. then what started out as sunny and feeling mild turned cold and rained!

Videos very slowly uploading .. unable to process photographs, as I knew it would be.

Someone tried to talk to me about 7 or 8pm last night .. I mumbled a response.

I was dead .. I had overdone it and the lack of car while trying to do a couple of visits to areas with wildlife caught up with me.

I awoke at 3am, that was the very next thing I was aware of.

I withdraw have typed this out then but the battery on my phone was out.

I'd have used the laptop but if I move it to my position the WiFi signal sometimes cuts completely. It's uploading a few videos of Teal and Gadwall Ducks along with a Grebe and if it cuts the YouTube upload will freeze and refuse to restart.

I can't post this until I've corrected the formatting on my laptop .. which I can't do until the uploads have completed.

Oh and I didn't get photos or videos of the damn Firecrests I'm told are there. Got a glimpse of one though.

Good God I was buggered last night!

http://www.eveningtimes.co.uk/news/15857814.Woman_left_with_no_money_for_a_year_by_DWP_wins_appeal_against_276_day_sanction/

THE TEN BELLS

Now let us see here .. anyone know what the title means?

If you do .. I ended up there today and I was not expecting to. You would think as a Londoner I might have visited these places before. I have not though I know the general area and I knew another place with another name. In Mile End Road. Or so I used to believe.

If you are not familiar with the name of the title .. it is a pub in Commercial Street where two of Jack the Ripper's victims used to hang out.

I was in Whitechapel and Shoreditch .. basically where a section of my family came from in the East London area and not far from Brick Lane either.

These days I think I think the pub in Mile End Road was just a pub that was not far away from the area Jack the Ripper frequented and tried to cash in on this .. infamy.

From there I ended up in Brick Lane and even in a shop I had not been in for twenty years and I purchased a salt beef bagel with mustard and gherkins. Not as good a they used to be and far, far more expensive.

I was in the area with someone else and had gone several miles further then he said we was going .. ooh boy did that hurt. Like hell. My chest was aching and I had to pause several times on the return journey.

The pain helped .. despite it causing me to pause every now and then.

I have had trouble .. for getting something. Or more accurately .. forgetting someone. I have had this aching .. in an area I did not expect and it has become .. an issue for me. Something I did not expected now mixed up with all the other .. things. It is not a good combination.

Still I acquired a couple of thing that I needed .. that was why I went out. I invited someone else to come along for the walk but .. he wanted to go somewhere after I got what I needed. Only that area he stated I got mixed up with somewhere else and it was further than I thought it was.

Then it turned out that the further location I had gotten mixed up with was not the location I was told anyway and this third location was further still.

These things happen.

But I have been in a mood for .. self punishment. Of late.

However it seems this self-punishment is now for a similar thing in one case, bought about by someone else. In another it is .. umm how can I say .. someone I cannot get out of my head.

Though .. I wonder if this .. dogged stubbornness of my mind is actually helping with another .. pain in my arse?! Lol.

Ooh boy .. how did I end up in this mess?

Because I am an idiot and become more of an idiot when I have too much going on around me which just seems to cause lapses. Memory lapses.

Rushing and too many things at once causes me .. issues with my memory and getting important things done.

To give you an idea despite the freezing weather I actually got out with my camera yesterday to a place that surprised me as there is a small nature reserve near here. Actually spotted Reed Buntings there .. did not get any shots .. a wind started picking up and our hands started to become numb.

Thinking of using buses around the city with the body and some smaller lenses to get some architectural and artistic, or bokeh, type shots. Just get a load of shots of every interesting thing I can come across.

It would be a start.

Though really I need to do this on a Sunday .. when it will be real quiet and the city way less busy.

Annoyingly I do also need to go to a part where my solicitor is located .. but that has to be a weekday and .. well .. I cannot do rush hours and in London a rush hour is now wrongly names because it is way, way longer then an hour. It is way, way longer then two hours.

In fact in the afternoons you can expect it to be busy from anywhere around 3pm and if your unlucky up to 8pm, 9pm or even 10pm if there are any issues with trains or strikes on buses.

So the car in process of being sold .. form for application of new passport to stop the damn ID problem that has dogged me. An application for a new driver's licence and .. a package to get to to the solicitor's practice.

I am hoping that the solicitor can help with three other issues. One is my reference and previous deposit on a home of ten years problem. One is my current status and housing problem and lastly is the disability problem.

This then leaves one single solitary thing to sort out. My storage problem eating away at my cash-flow. I need to acquire a van and/or driver. Then go to my storage facility and start to throw things away .. to the local dump. Oh crap .. it will be a van so I might need a permit .. I forgot about that one!

Still I think I might get one or two things done this week and then one or two others done next week if I can focus and not kill myself in the meantime doing too much. By which I mean not aggravating the Fibromyalgia thing and causing too many flare ups?

After everything is done I should then .. be a couple of weeks down the road to selling the car and the courts viewing my medical records.

Once the car is sold, I am hoping that this would be in a couple of weeks, despite other plans being put into place .. I should be free to .. travel around to places much further afield.

Maybe revisiting recent places .. very recent places?

Sheesh! There will be a proximity problem. Well not so much of a problem .. well .. it is a problem .. sort of. Well it was more of an aching and .. it has been the same for weeks so I am kind of used to it. No I am lying I bloody hate it. Lol.

But then maybe I wont go and .. just do the things I need to from a distance?

A heart ache is still a heart ache .. a little concerned that the heart ache might

become stronger if back there with no anxiety?

I am fairly certain it will.

But then maybe by that time I might have figured out that I had been led up a garden path while up there and there is no point.

But I have been led to believe otherwise and as such .. I ache right down to the deepest fibres of my very being and .. long for something.

The trouble is this deep down longing has awoken when I thought it was also dead and gone and am certain that it will never occur in my current area because it did not for so long, so very, very long.

I do not think I can find someone to awaken those feelings the way that this person managed to achieve. But just being .. themselves. Just the mere sight of her or hearing her voice was enough to stir things deep within my soul.

The one night I was in close proximity I had been sent off to do a job for someone that was very obviously impossible. We had tried and tried but could not get this couch up a flight of stairs.

I had become dizzy and almost blacked out several times. Upon my return someone was inside the house and I just wanted to collapse onto the carpet and .. die .. or sleep for a very long time and was fighting to stay awake. To catch glimpses of someone and I caught the glimpse of a beautiful smile and a look I had not received for a very, very long time.

I cannot think of a better definition or more accurately an anecdote to describe being unlucky.

Only in this case I have been unlucky in a number of ways that are the worst possible and all at once too.

Hmm maybe being in the vicinity of Jack the Rippers hang outs was apt in my case? Well after all he did have this habit of ripping out organs.

I recently had my heart ripped out!

As for The Ten Bells? Yeah well I felt I had ten bells kicked out of me while having my heart ripped from my chest.

What a crock!

THE TALE OF TWO BROKEN HEARTS

As was evident in posts of the last week or so .. I kind of ran .. or more accurately limped away from a situation.

I know it seems like I tell all on here. I deliberately give this impression. It makes it easier to post things and not tell all on here.

I have not told all on here.

If I had told all on here .. any reader would get more than a bit of a shock.

I also did not tell all to .. someone else. That person also could not find out about these little .. details on here either.

Tonight I told them one of the things. I think I slipped up and they picked up that there was more to tell and pushed me. They said I had started up their anxiety.

I had to make them make a promise.

I told almost all of it.

As it turns out .. I was driven away by someone who claimed to be helping me and telling me things about stuff that went on. Now I knew this person was a liar. But some things they said were true and others rang true.

There were other things forcing me to move .. some stupid errors I made .. no, a lot of errors I made and my financial situation, partially or mostly caused by a public service. My plan was to return for a short period. That was the plan.

Instead I ran .. with some help and .. I ran with almost everything.

It now turns out that this whole thing was engineered .. there are a number of reasons involved but there was a main one. Because they were told, rather naively, that there was someone .. interested in me and to be honest .. I was interested in them. I was interested in them in a big way and long before I was told and got over the sheer shock that they was interested in me.

As I posted about .. I spent three or four days in a flat that felt like a prison. The only person I did know and was there for in the first place .. had gotten angry with me. In their upset and confused state they hurled insults at me. They made some accusations about me. They threatened me.

It now looks like that was engineered too.

We chatted about it and I told them everything and then I asked one important question .. “Was [person B] told that [person A] was interested in me?” The answer was, yes.

I asked this because I suspected it might have all been a ploy and I tried to find the reason .. because [Person B] was also interested in me. Sorry if your reading this but it was known and talked about for a long time, dumb-arse!

Their difficulty now is they cannot come up with a reason for my fleeing .. when I had plenty of reasons for staying.

So their I was in my extremely cold prison of a flat that you just could not get warm for love nor money. Well you could .. for a lot of money with the triple bar fire in the living room.

I sat their in the flat and when I was not feeling guilty .. for my plans to leave .. the other half of the time all I could think about was [Person A]! I longed for my buzzer to go and it would be her. Oh how I pined for that buzzer to go. Minute after minute and hour after hour I longed for that buzzer to sound. It never did.

To a surprised and relieved recipient I admitted to all that too.

I revealed that my heart was touched in a way that I had long since thought had died. That I longed so much and that each time I saw her my heart would melt just a little.

I explained that I had hid this fact .. for many weeks.

I told about the long loneliness I had experienced and that for the briefest if glimpses I had thought that might change. That my life would come to mean something once again. That I might actually find happiness.

I admitted that when I left .. I died a little.

That other than the guilt I felt for leaving .. I could only thing of one person's name and their face and how I would miss it so.

I told how I was now annoyed that I had .. fallen for this trap. How I had been robbed by the person that had robbed me of so many years of my life before this. That once again when I felt the knife sin into my heart that it would be she that does it.

As I said .. the whole place is a nightmare for me.

I then pointed out that she should realise now why I begged for her not to be around .. that I would cringe when they wanted a photo of the two of us standing side by side and do the same when her friends joked about a reconciliation.

That she killed my heart just as it had come to life once more. Killed it dead in the water.

That I now sit here .. confused .. angry .. with myself for falling victim once again and for the .. loss of love and the pining.

Am I not the unluckiest man alive?

Am I not the very definition of the term 'loser'?

Right now it would certainly seem so.

My hair is vastly overgrown and my stubble has become a scraggy beard and I have lost two stone in weight. Those that know me to be smarter, a friend's girlfriend, said “Martin, clean yourself up and sort out your hair and beard!”

My hair and my beard? My God .. a lot more than that needs to be sorted out. I first need to find my lost soul! Scared off into the dark misty corners of a padded room.

I only needed one of many plans to play out as intended. None did.

The Patreon account, the advertising revenue, the return or my disability money or PIP, one of the two crowd funding accounts I have now long since closed down by request from the angry recipient.

He one thing that is different other then the name, face and the deep seated longing that eats away at the remainder of my lost soul? Well ..

I no longer listen out for the buzzer that is now an ocean away from the one I think about half my time.

I wonder how long it will be before I ever truly get over this?

A long, long time is the likeliest of answers.

Boy .. these could be a tough few years ahead and I fear for the .. future.

But I wonder often if out there in the dark at some far away distance their exists a second broken heart beating and longing itself away in the darkness?

THE ATTACKS RETURN

I have been having a terrible morning .. again.

This is by far the worst I've had since I returned to London.

This time it wasn't a situation .. now was it financial, though that obviously is a contributing factor, it was a person. A version individual that scared the crap out of me before I returned.

I was here once before a long time ago and I became .. incapable due to anxiety then. Only I didn't know what was up with me.

In fact I have no idea how I ended up here last time. It wasn't good .. I barely left the room next to this one for well over a year, maybe two?

It was the same back then as it is now ..

Someone wants to spend the vast majority of the day complaining about their life and how no one cares.

They are a self fulfilling prophecy.

Text messages on WhatsApp will literally go on like you wouldn't believe .. people that know me that have seen them are stunned by them.

I need to sort out a series of things .. important and serious things.

I've also been in a whole series of dark places I'm trying to get myself out of and stay out of .. but they have not expressed sympathy over this.

In fact when it comes to doing jobs while here it's always stupid meaningless unimportant jobs .. like sorting out this room when I'm only supposed to be here a month.

Oh and they have a thing about a car park they don't own and my car was here for two days .. I didn't hear the end of that one until the car was moved.

No encouragement about sorting out documents now the car is someone else's problem though.

No .. yesterday evening it was about some inheritance yet again she keeps telling everyone she's not interested in. One recipient has already said "If your not interested why do you keep bringing it up?!"

She expected a load of people to hand over money to another relative, he didn't though and wasn't bothered about it and still isn't.

He also has a girlfriend who would get it all anyway and we all know that.

I should have asked her what it was he needed so bad that he needed this money.

Absolutely no one agrees with her.

One recipient of the inheritance is not blood related .. it's complicated but my Uncle was on his birth certificate from .. the beginning. So by law he was legally entitled the money. Absolutely no one ever mentioned this and he was a grandchild and legally so at the end of the day.

I couldn't believe it when they used this to complain about no one handing over any money.

I also didn't know that she had quite acrimoniously fallen out with two siblings over this a year ago.

I had fallen out with them and .. well I was off using the money I had left to help other members of the family. Though believe it or not I got moaned at by the exact same person for doing that!

I awoke with that horrible feeling in my chest .. those deep cutting pangs of anxiety. Those that leave you wanting to die right then and there.

Those that had me trying to think where my knife was!

I'm still feeling it now and though it had dissipated a little it's still enough to be bothersome.

There also seems to be some hellish weather outside and heavy rain and wind with a boom from a strong gust every now and then. It makes the anxiety .. leap a little.

Oddly I had contacted people prior to coming down here in the event that something might go wrong that is going wrong. I've also been contacting people since I've been back.

I guarantee that if I plead with this person and state that they are doing me harm they will immediately turn it around and state that just like always I don't care .. and that we don't care.

Because she doesn't see it as a serious thing and instead something that you can just switch on and off. I bloody wish it were that easy!

Why do people do that? And why is it that the one person who is supposed to be understanding and more so than everyone else is the least understanding?

In fact people haven't told her things for years and they even complained about no one telling them anything anymore ..

And I so wanted to point out that they then use it to freak out everyone else by going on about how it is affecting them. The person directly affected won't get a mention or maybe just a brief one explaining what it is that is stressing them out.

Worst still is how she tells this to her Doctor and other medical people.

They will state that their health conditions, if there are any, are the worst in the world and that they can die. Yeah .. tell that to someone that's actually wanted to die countless times.

I explained about my condition of Fibromyalgia and it being on the McGill, I think it's called, Pain Index and hire Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome is at the top of the pain scale.

Oddly they weren't interested in looking it up and because it doesn't mention theirs. So the scale is ignored .. so it doesn't exist.

They also have a bad memory because those that fall out with her don't because of the reasons she thinks they do. Going on about herself .. it's because .. she doesn't ask about others.

She will be on the phone for an hour to three and doesn't ask how others in the family are.

This is more noticeable when these people are both young and ill!

Their favourite line is no one listens .. which is not strictly true when what they actually mean is no one will do what they tell them to.

One of two things occurs .. when no one listens ..

• We immediately know their suggestion is wrong or ..
• We have heard it for the hundredth time and that on many occasions is an massive understatement .. which is when we actually do not listen

For instance she told me one thing the day before yesterday she had told me many times before .. and then twice more yesterday.

When she pointed out about one of my cousins not being blood related but receiving money she said .. "You do know about *****, don't you?" and I just looked at her in amazement. This is someone she had not seen since a child and I was told about when I was 15 years old. I am .. almost 49 years old for Christ's sake! I actually asked her if she was actually going to tell me what I think she was and looked at her in amazement and I still did not know where she was going with this.

When I pointed out that it was the law .. she said "I don't care about the law and you don't take no notice if it either!"

That simply is not true. I complain mostly that you cannot enforce the law .. therefore have no legal rights. I might complain about the odd stupid law .. or a law introduced just to keep people happy that most wont be able to enforce anyway.

No she does not agree with it, without a counter argument for it or a sensible one, and we are just supposed to do what she says or expects us to do.

Everyone is also expected to just walk away from their jobs too. With no social housing and caps on housing benefits with rents rising .. I do not know how she then expects everyone to keep their homes when they then ignore their jobs and responsibilities for her?

I was in the worst place imaginable and I neither expected nor would I dare ask anyone to drop everything to help me .. 

I would rather cut my wrists!

I need to stay .. functional! This morning I felt like I did when I hid away in a room for months and months and I simply cannot do this as it will cost me far more than it has already.

I need to get two forms and fill them in .. then take them down and send them off .. with some photos of myself .. recorded delivery or whatever they call it now.

I then need to get to a solicitors in Camden with a package .. things I was hoping to do last week but did not through lack of help I thought I would get and .. someone wanting to complain all day when I needed to .. get myself together. I still haven't got myself together completely and now I feel like I am being .. set back several steps.

What are you supposed to do?

It is why I have previously felt I needed a chaperone ..

.. now I feel like I need protection! Or ear plugs.

ONE HELL FOR ANOTHER

Well it has not even been a week yet and it has happened.

I have had my anxiety raised by someone that is supposed to help. Oddly they have complained that they are the only one that have helped .. despite the fact that this help is a fucking tiny room they do not need. They do not own the house either but you would think they were giving a pint of blood the way that they go on.

What is the issue?

That four of us did not give up thousands of pounds to another member of the family because they deserved money.

I have told them that by law they are not and that this person is not bothered by it and that in fact they are the only one bothered by it but .. it makes no difference.

Bearing in mind what I have just been through .. what I have got to do now that I am back and that much of my money went towards helping others .. the rest tied up in things I should not have bought and one I am selling. So they cannot claim that I am selfish .. but it is being hinted at and they would dearly like to say this .. but they cannot.

Most of the ire is about others ..

Except as I said the recipient they are on about does not care about it and has said to others that it was not his money and not his grandfather.

Nope .. that does not matter.

Nope .. nor does it matter that I went through hell and cut my wrists I was in that much agony .. not not a mention about that. Just that things did not go how they wanted them too and we re all bastards.

I have already had a reply to a text I sent explaining what was just said and the reply simply stated “You got to get out of there as fast as you can!”

Yeah .. I cannot. I have somewhere I can go if things get bad but that will only be for three or four days at most. As I told my brother .. it is called the Maytree Centre and I nearly ended up there a couple years back.

This person simply fails to see that the only feelings that are harping on about is their own. And that this is all about others doing what they expect them to.

I also guarantee that they are annoyed that I have gone off into a room to stop hearing it and I would not be surprised if I was told I had to leave purely because I wont sit there and listen to their complaining about things that is bothering no one else.

They have been told for years and fucking years that it is extremely stressful and that no one else falls out and has issues except them. Every single member of their family they have fallen out with but it is everyone else that is wrong.

I find it hilarious that there argument is that no one 'gives a shit' and yet that is exactly whow they come across .. unless it is there feelings, they have never self harmed by the way but their suffereing is worse than everyone else's, then they do not ask, they do not console, they do not say they are sorry for what you have been through. Best of all they do not ask when they are on the phone how the children are, by some accounts. They are so busy and so focused upon their own feelings and you get statements like they want to die.

Oddly they blame another relative of being melodramatic when it comes to these things .. deliberately leaving pills all over the floor for sympathy.

No self harming as far as I know and they certainly was not alone when they did it .. so yeah .. ou could say that it was for sympathy. Could.

I was trapped in a flat that felt like a prison for four days and there was no one else there but me .. alone .. hoping that this damned Aussie flu would kill me in the night, often felt like it was. Then having anxiety in the mornings sometimes so bad that harming was the only thing that would release the extreme feelings of anxiety.

I cannot stress how bad this can be even at the best of times but stuck somewhere you do not know with short term memory problems after being called names, then threatened and then warned .. yeah .. you cannot really describe that.

I want to die because no one gives a shit and because currently I have nowhere to live .. not whinge and whine that no one gives a shit and that no one listens.

Yeah they do not have the greatest advice and yet they go fucking mental because no one takes their advice but .. no one ever takes advice.

But no .. this is specific traits of my family and makes her life a misery.

No drug dealers. No bank robbers. No domestic abusers and all this has been pointed out to her by her own cousin and .. nope .. does not want to listen. Because they want to complain except ..

There is no end goal to complaining .. there is absolutely no benefit to complaining .. she gets nothing out of it .. no one she complains about is ever going to change .. all she does is hurt people, stress them out and make them not want to come here.

I was on the phone to them two days before I came down and she scared the living shit out of me .. cranky and angry and of course it was about giving this money over to someone that not only does not care about it themselves but will end up in the pockets of his greedy and manipulative African girlfriend and her family as they have already had thousands anyway.

These people were here illegally anyway, despite both being handed houses then it is strictly illegal to do so .. unless your a public service then you can make the rules up as you go along while private landlords get fined for doing the exact same thing.

Now I am scared of them going past the door .. and scared of going downstairs in the morning!

Luckily I have tried to prepare as I have not only contacted my solicitor but also an organisation that may be able to help in my current situation. They didn't years ago when I went to them for help but today it is different .. I now only know what is wrong with me today, thanks for nothing NHS, but a lot more is wrong with me today.

I, or we, really ended up with the rough end of the stick when it comes to life and to think I may have been subjected to some kid of payback for someone else's tempestuous life? I am now being punished for two other people's lives that are and were not my responsibility.

It would seem everyone wants me to either suffer or perform magic tricks.