Friday, 22 November 2013

THE BIRTH OF A CHILD IS WHERE IS STARTS

Darkness...and silence.

Together they made the most formidable opponents. Combined together at one moment of my life that brought me to my knees. Never ending silence that together with the darkness would create a powerful team to create helplessness beyond my darkest nightmares. The words within my own head would boom away like a thunderous storm. Pieced together the words created questions I could not possibly know the answers to and yet ask I continued to do.

'Is everything OK? Are they both alright?' Were repeated in my mind through an endless amount of combinations. Like I cloak of morbidity these two entwined to create the one moment of dark helplessness in my life that would sit with me for the longest of times. It is likely the one key moment that changed my path that would endure unto today and create the person this blog speaks of.

The things that I do. The things I have done. The things I will do but yet to achieve. Everything that defines me comes right back to this moment. This room. This enveloping darkness and unnerving silence...and the questions. Ooh the questions. That was the day I discovered the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness and the disastrous effect they had in just a short period of time. It was luck that would smile upon me that day. It was luck that meant that these feelings were to be only endured for mere minutes that would feel like hours.

Still the silence endured. The darkness enveloped. My head in my hands and my mind like that of a spinning, angry F5 tornado where instead of the flashing images of large objects that tornado spins about its vortex mine were images of memories and the darkest visions of the immediate future. Where and for why oh why do the dark images come? Self protection to ready and therefore steady my mind for the worst of possibilities? Likely the case but it made not the task any easier to endure and continue it did until a sound I now know to measure 100dB broke that silence.

The crying of a baby.

For where was I at this moment? The darkest corner of a deserted maternity ward with no lights on anywhere. Alone. To face my fears. That was a defining string of moments I would never forget. The cry seemingly familiar and my mind knew that it was that of my daughter and that she was OK. Suddenly my mind took control of my body and I stood. My legs would then spark into life as they ever so slowly propelled me forwards. Following the cries I walked into a room with a new born child being held. The child was a girl and she briefly opened her eyes and glimpsed at me and the words 'yes look at, Daddy' filled the room.

After a complication that led to a lot of concerned looks and a cesarean section I was put into a dark empty ward for the birth of my daughter and those moments have stayed with me ever since.

Nor have they ever been repeated.

I had emerged from the darkest corners thinking that lady luck was with me that day. I thought myself smiled upon from the Gods above that those feelings were not to endure for a moment longer than they had. The three of had been gifted and no moment would ever come to be anywhere near close to those darkest moments.

A defining moment it may well be and of course it also qualifies as to where it all began, where it all started, so to speak. But I could not be more wrong. Oh so very wrong I was. As this blog explains I was pushed to much darker corners than this and for far longer a period to endure. Many mere mortals could not survive as I had done and many have taken there lives before half the period was complete. Many lost their minds too along the way and still exist battling with mental health issues.

No I am not unaffected by it all, none could be. But I do survive with the least amount of effect possible for a mere mortal that possess empathy of any level. A victim of an unjust and unfair system that cared not for justice or truth. I emerged unscathed. It would change me in ways that were quite unimaginable because I CHOSE to use it to make me stronger, smarter and harder than anything that had gone before.

'A moaner' was what I was referred to recently. I can understand that. But it be wrong. The anger, the dark feelings, the sorrow and the despair must be felt for it must be shown. Only the conveying of such darkness and one understand what may lay in store for him, her or their loved ones.

But I control my anger and allow it to boil when I need it and receded away when I do not. This is what makes me different. This is why I could not hurt anyone and the very reason that despite immediate frustration I do refer that my enemies make bold their claims about me.

I am underestimated. It was always my intention to be underestimated. Indeed my very victory with each rests on the intention of being underestimated. They must think they have the upper hand. They must think they are in control. They must think me a nobody and therefore of no concern or threat. This makes my job all the easier as time passes by. The longer they continue with their false impression of the realities of the situation the more I was handed the upper-hand.

It was indeed these things that made me who I am today.

The unfair system and the darkness along with the corners, silence and utter despair to the borders of insanity and death is where it can push you. These are the places I have been. My job and goal was to convey what I see and what I have felt to one and all. To appeal to those with any empathy to see what is true and what is right. Only when you have completed the picture and therefore the puzzle can a society move onwards and upwards unto the next level.

We are but held back. From a greedy few with no care nor regards and without true ambition. They do not stare at the stars with wonder and simply look at masses with oppression in their minds. I long for the day that these dark figures can be cast out of the societys that they continue to ruin.

It is these things I am aware and those experienced that makes me so very dangerous to those that would be the cause of such immoral actions towards their fellow man, while thinking themselves are belonging to some imaginary higher calling of beings, of which they are not. Not any higher than that of mere insects and crustaceans that crawl and scurry beneath a large rock or trunk of a tree. Because they cannot and do not resist that most ancient of desires for they link to the mind and the brain of an ancient instinct and therefore animal. They regress to the basic wants and desires of a time long since forgotten. But they are self convinced that this is the way it needs to be. The Earth will indeed stopping spinning on it's axis if it were any different.

Nowhere you look is any different. Almost all succumb to the ancient calling. As a result many suffer greatly. Allowed to go unpunished by groups still striving to not give in to these ancient desires. But this very resistance of the primary act of evil allows that evil to thrive.

Emerge I did from the darkest of corners. Here I am. Here I stay and I have no intention of being anywhere else...until my job is done.


Bring it on.

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