TOO LONG WITHOUT LOVE

What drives us to seek love? Are we sure that we will recognise it if we find it? How long can the human heart endure without it?

Many a question is asked in the darkest moments in that of a human lifetime.

Does it exist any more? When I see people not caring about each other I wonder if they are capable of true love, or truly capable of love.

When a heart becomes heavy having longed for a decade the darkest and gloomiest skies can mimic ones heart rather too well for comfort. When one was perceived as a young man to be yearning for it how does that man endure the long periods of loneliness? Is there in existence any scientific measure for the time spans for the human heart being without the things it desires?

One lives in an age where there is a measure for just about everything and those that have not are on the brink of discoveries that will change the world. But nowhere have there been tests for the human heart despite it being at the centre of everything.

The memories of the tingling feelings and that of goosebumps when the touch of a lovers skin is experienced. Watching that area of pimples and those soft tiny hairs standing to attention as if reaching up in desperation to feel more sensations spread further on your lovers body. Cause by the gentle kisses and warm air from their lovers mouth along the erogenous area behind their ear. Or a caress across the back of the shoulders combined with a gentle embrace.

Too long have those questions existed and too many questions have arose.

All the answers to my question I have to find.

What constitutes true love? On feelings of deep loneliness my barriers breached and memories of feelings long since past creep back into my consciousness. But in all honesty despite feeling in love I never experienced true love. Almost on rare occasions but later to be proved false for one reason or another.

The barriers get rebuilt only they reach higher than the previous time. Before long the top of the barriers and beyond your visual sight leaving one to wonder it those dizzying heights can ever be reached again. Many doubts linger for the longest of times and only become embroiled with other doubts.

Some questions are easier to answer than others.

Knowing that there is someone close even when far away on occasions is truly a wondrous feeling. But for too long has one been blessed with such a gift. But ones sight sees this abused in all directions and all around. Obsessed with so many things more often material in nature that they become blind, distant and, dare I say, complacent. Rarely do I see true love today without it being caught on film, so to speak. That which I desire only exists in fairy-tales but a fairytale is all one is willing to accept any more. Done am I with the deceit or that of others wanting something immediate feeling the need to convince oneself that what they have before them is something other than the reality.

On many a night has love in ones heart died a slow and agonising way.

Truly was love strangled until it was murdered completely and ashamedly by those who was convinced they had found love.

Surely true love means that the pair of lovers can share far more than that which is obvious and have similar hopes, desires and dreams. But these are mistaken for material things and therefore many miss the object of their desires entirely.

Those that lover for many baffle me greatly while those that love for security leave me dumbfounded. As if life lasts forever therefore making mistakes easy until you get it right while you then stare at each other over your bottle of Sonatagen missing all the things you could have shared together now reduced to holding hands on a Dial-A-Ride bus. So much time wasted in vain that comes with its own attachment of pain and heartbreak.

Complications in ones life also adds to the barriers leading them to become ever higher.

The desire for someone so perfect and full of love and caring should never be burdened with that I have carried for so very long. But one forgets they are not truly helpless and or completely broken. Nor are all the avenues to the city scape of endless possibilities closed to you either, just that some require a level of energy and some intricate work to traverse to the destination of desire.

A digital web of communications exists to close the gap of said distances and render short this search. But it is fraught with those who are blinded by the above and many more who have set out to deceive. But the deceivers lack intelligence to succeed with me yet still they persist with the next possible victim. They do and have succeeded and one has long wondered as to how this could possibly be? For these pathetic individuals to succeed must mean many naïve exist too and in greater numbers that I could imagine. With my own intellect and ability to devise I could have been a millionaire one hundred times over had the hands been turned to such dastardly plans. But sleep is difficult to achieve enough already and I cannot make it any harder as this is just not in my nature.

Bombarded I am with deceivers and overseas they curiously all are to my surprise. Thankfully the worst ones exist in but a few countries. Nevertheless they masquerade as natives of western worlds of Britain and the USA and obviously convinced we all are in possession of so much money we could likely fill an Olympic swimming pool with the stuff.

Several times each day the bombardment comes and long for the day do I that one is genuine. Badoo, Tagged and Plenty of Fish to name but a few do I browse in the long search to find a Maid Marion type of character with caring for the people and not naïve to the bigger picture they try to keep hidden from view. But not obsessed either to the point of pointing fingers at every turn as I do not see shadows where there are none. I have one already that does not enough for ten people and is a difficult thing to deal with at the best of times.

When one hears the beeping sounds of notification that alerts you to a possibility of love a little feeling of hope arises from the deep dark depths of my heart. Despite the hundreds of thousands that have come to naught there is always that possibility that the next one might just be the one I have waited what seems like an eternity for.

Until then I will only really focus on that most single and important of questions that has haunted my life for such a very long time.

Does she exist?

Will I ever hold someone close to me in my arms ever again? Will I ever be able to cause those tiny hairs to stand to attention yearning for my closeness and the warmth of my breath? Is there someone that can love as much as they are loved? Someone intelligent, beautiful and sincere?

For that is not in search of the perfect woman but merely the one perfect for me.

Many have told me that my perfect partner does not exist.

It hangs on a heavy heart when I am forced to admit that often this is what I also believe.

The corners of my heart remain in the darkness and the longing is filled with the strive to help others and change each that comes one at a time.

Maybe and JUST maybe that in time...this will change the world?!

One can only hope.