THE HIDDEN KNIFE

I have been thinking about that for the past few hours.

The last I heard my granddaughter was going to be kept in for tests. The trouble is I have no confidence in whatever it is they will tell us.

I can also state at this point that .. this is not the first time my granddaughter has been in hospital and that .. this seizure that she has had has happened previously. Though not to this level.

What has been tormenting me beyond belief is the sight of her lying in that bed, tube down her throat and trying to stay conscious and look at the phone because she could hear my voice. Me, every now and then, wondering if that might be the last image of the little one I will ever see?!

I have a knife here I have kept hidden and I keep on thinking about it.

I was already having a breakdown before I got that phone-call and I am having something of a double-breakdown it seems and feels like.

I have run out of diazepam, propranalol and now rampiril and have been unable to acquire replenishments despite attempting to do somewhat more than half a dozen times!

You would think that the NHS with access to my records might be fully unerstanding? But, no. The once great institution that they still try to claim is great today and did so just a morning or two ago on BBC News 24.

I had thought about going to hospital today .. what with the breakdown I was having and the lack of pills and was determined not to be fobbed off with no pills as well as something that works better than the 80mg of Propranalol I was previously on.

I am fed up with the NHS, apart from the lying, falsifying and omissions, giving out low weights of what are mostly crap drugs that end up never working or not working very well. Only to then go and find that something works .. equally well or better elsewhere. This is true of so many drugs I have had it is not true!

Only .. one of them I have used .. sent my anxiety through the roof the last time I used it and have not used it since .. I mean it was a living nightmare and damned good job I did not know where my knife was at the time?!

When the video call came .. the plan to visit the hospital for a showdown over my missing drugs and pills to handle the breakdowns kind of went out the window.

I am stuck in a very tiny room, six by nine feet, and am emotionally bullied by someone in a way that I did not expect and I am more or less stuck here.

I would kill to have somewhere else to stay right now but I do not know what to do or who to approach.

Added to this when I have approached anyone in the past they have been utterly useless and have achieved absolutely nothing up until now and the very last thing I have ongoing should have had a result by now but did not. That is the recent court hearing over my disabilities whereby the Judge did not even bother to turn up. Would you believe they sent out a letter to me that arrived the ext day, making it sound like it was cancelled with plenty of time to spare? Funny as I was sitting there when the clerk informed me that the Judge had not turned up. It took great bloody effort to do that and I was relieved I was there and that none of my symptoms had stopped me from getting there. I will say it came close as I thought I was having a heart attack on the way there. It pisses me off because my presence cannot prove anything anyway so I am being deliberately tortured and this will be the fifth time I have attended one of these hearings for the exact same thing ..

NOTHING .. has fucking changed in over ten years .. except my symptoms which have increased in number and some with frequency and intensity too. Like right now!

Maybe the insistence on your presence in court is part of some grand plan to kill people off? I know I have had some tinfoil hat people and some non-tinfoil hat people use the word 'culling' with everything that is going on.

The government has even been accused of such things, continues on anyway and shut down website after website that claims as much ..

.. I have always gotten away with it because I do not claim these things are the case .. until I acquire evidence to the fact and then I publish it. Or, indeed, someone else publishes proof of the fact.

I have produced much of my own while at other times others have proved it within the news media .. well that is the things that the news media does not go out of its way to avoid.

Often the news media has no choice and is .. selective in the way it reports something. Take Alfie Evans? I did not see anyone .. anywhere point out the problem with Judge Hayden's comments about legal proceedings set out by Alfie's parents. Giving a decision based on another court case that has not even started. Basically being told that they wont get what they want, I presume allowing Alfie home, until they drop the legal proceedings against the NHS and those three now infamous Doctors.

What I also do not know in all this is whether or not Alfie had been seen previously or how on it had gone on for.

What I also failed to realise is that .. this case alone will make every parent that would normally rely in the NHS scared of going anywhere near the NHS with their child.

DO not be surprised if a year or two from now there are reports of people fleeing the UK with their children to be treated elsewhere in the world. I know if I had the means and the money my granddaughter and I would not be in the UK at this very moment.

It is currently well after 4pm and I got fed up with being curled up in a foetal position with visions of my daughter or knives while holding my hands over my face not being able to use Film 4 and some old black and white movies to take my mind of everything.

So I thought I would have a go at writing this out .. in case I cannot later.

I did have a phone-call earlier and that is how I made the statement about the little one bing kept in hospital overnight. If it takes that long and nothing is discovered by the afternoon.

I am also assuming this is Arrowe Park Hospital in the Wirral which fills me with fear too. My one experience was bad, my daughter;s experiences since have been bad and by all accounts .. many previous experiences have been bad too. According to the locals up there.

Good God .. how are humans, well those of us that are, supposed to endure all this?!

To call it 'overwhelming' would be an understatement and I feel like .. I don't know it is is explode or implode?!

Sometimes it feels like 'seams' in your head and it feels like they are gradually coming apart .. little by excruciating little. If only those crowd funding sites I had set up while living up ther ehad worked?! SIGH

Jesus Christ, I wish I knew what the answer to all this was?

Cervical cancer, two lots of Fibromyalgia, two lots of Autism with the most severe now being denied, blood clots, two lots of very high blood pressure, one case of homelessness with another five being threatened. Domestic violence. Involved in a murder court case where the murderer gets off with a £250 fine and six points on his driver's licence and Police fucking up the evidence by allowing it to be contaminated? Police claiming they stopped smuggling into Walton Prison on the news when they had not and we were still getting harassing phone-calls. All this between my daughter, four grandchildren and myself .. how can this be?!

Do not forget we got ZERO help from anyone and only one offer of help left .. which I find out about in a couple of weeks .. if I am still around and somehow manage to make it to the court hearing?!

We cannot be the only ones going through this and maybe even worse than us? Though it is quite difficult to imagine how it could be worse but the fact remains there could be?

If this is the case and there are dozens .. if not hundreds of other cases like ours how have they stayed out of the news media?!

I tried so very hard to get noticed .. over and over again .. just like I did in a court case against my daughter where I told the court that I guarantee that if they do what they did .. that ..

.. my daughter would end up with the life from hell!

Well .. it ended up far, far worse than even I could have imagined.

To the point where she just tells me time after time on the phone that she just wants to die.

That is what the local authorities can do for YOU!

Ooh Jesus .. just had a video-call and relieved to see my granddaughter up and about. Nothing on what is wrong with her and worried now they will just send her home and we will be back to where we was. Having to hound a healthcare worker to hell and back to get them to do anything and find out what is wrong with a child that is barely three years old?!

My daughter was told that they will decide whether they will allow her to go home or not.

But .. if you do not know what it is .. how can you do that? To save money no doubt as wages for the health service is far more important than the lives they are tasked to save these days.

Why else would you keep paying these high salaries while sending people home that results in lives being lost? It has happened. It is happening.

My daughter's friend was sent home while her unborn child was dead despite complaining of severe headaches and visually swollen legs. This was the same area and likely the same hospital. She was then subjected to bullying attempts that reduced her to tears what I now know to be a midwife to get their hands on some report or medical record. To the point where she admitted that she previousy thought my claims about the NHS (believed the others) were mad. Then said “Your Dad was right, he was right about everything!”

Oh and I am trying to fight my way into creating something .. getting out when I can and fighting my pains and my fears to get a few hundred photos so that I can create a thousand and put them on my Flickr account. Name is 'allnights1'.

I have a dozen blogs I have been working on for well over five years and a YouTube account and now been uploading photographs to a Flickr account that numbers over 2,200 photos. I have also ad very recently been uploading these to Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

When I cannot get out there are .. other things I can do .. when they do not slip my short term memory issues, that is.

I might also add that we were told that this little one was Autistic too. So we spent months trying to get our heads around that. Whereas this one scored .. over 80 or 90, I think it was, her older sister scored 225 on one test. Anything above 70 means that the child is Autistic. Except now .. the one that scored highly and therefore severely Autistic, which has been seen by everyone that knows her as her behaviour has deteriorated in that time, is now .. not Autistic. Only a report stating the exact age that the Paediatrician was going to state appeared in a report that turned up at my daughter's home. Odd because the Paediatrician was meant to have seen her before then but failed to turn up .. turning up at the school a week to ten days or more later. Now go figure that one out!

If this is another case of negative results from tests then I would have lost count of the number of times I have heard about negative tests in recent years. My own, one brother's tests, my daughter and two grandchildren.

Shit! I have just been bullied by this person .. because she just HAS to go on and on about some fucking workmen coming in here next week because SHE says its important! Yeah .. she knows about the child .. but has to make a fucking big thing out of nothing! Mountains out of molehills!

I am now seriously stressed out and I want out!

I am wondering whether or not to now go to hospital if there is anyone I can ring to get out of here .. non family and friends as they are few and all out of the question! I am going to fucking lose it here!

EDIT: I told them earlier of the situation and they thought they would come back and go on at me in a few hours time .. I have emailed the Samaritans .. or someone like that I cannot recall, begging for help on how to get out of here!