Well that has not gone well.
I did not get to sleep until quite late and after the daze I was originally in I started to come out of it but not to a place I wanted to.
I had thought that the daze I was seemingly in might mean that I would not enter the all too familiar crisis stage. However I had forgotten that I had held onto some diazepam and had taken one shortly before that court hearing. So I had fooled myself into thinking I would emerge OK from the stunned shock I was in.
Last night as it was getting later it became obvious that I was going to emerge in a state I was not going to like. I had hoped to go to sleep and that maybe with the sleep I would wake up on the other side of this state but I was having more and more trouble sleeping. Until sometime after 2am when I finally did sleep. Though Fibromyalgia sufferers do not actually sleep in the true sense, yet something else that did not get asked about nor mentioned yesterday. It is 7.13am currently but I have been awake for around 2 hours and been trying to watch YouTube videos on subjects I enjoy but … simply have no interest.
I also seem to have this searing pain in my hip area … more like a very intense … ache. I seem to recall having this in the past, I do not know what it is and I have done nothing to have caused any aching or pain of any kind.
Good God. I really do not know what to do with myself or what I will do with myself today. It is a Saturday and I have one option for the day and it is not a good one and also not one I can conceivably choose. So really I have zero options.
I do fee like I am on the edge of another deep crisis. I had made some plans to counter this but they have yet to play out, not heard from Mind about my first appointment and probably be weeks away when I do. I have someone else going to speak to me next Tuesday but that is next Tuesday.
I am disappointed that I woke up. Been a very long time since I last felt like that, or at least that strongly about being disappointed I am still alive.
I also simply cannot get over the vast contrast to a year ago and there is a galaxy of space between the two.
Hmm I actually think its my glutes that are aching and not the area of my thighs, or at least an area somewhere between the two?
I have been reminded in the last 12 hours that if there is indeed a continuation of the human soul beyond death that I do not EVER want to come back. I will fight kicking and screaming if I am forced to.
I have tried doing a search to see if there is anywhere you can admit yourself too in case things go from bad to worse? It is surprising how little there is out there that does anything more than calling someone up and talking down the phone.
Jesus how are things this bad?
I do wonder about those … others affected with mental illness that are pushed to drastic measures of self harm and wonder what the transition is from self harm and doing something worse? Is it a big chasm or a small step? For some reason that has been playing on my mind since last night. I have had some thoughts about that next step and I wonder what it would take?
I have been here in the past and wished I had the guts and wonder what it would take to acquire them?
You just so much want to flick that switch to the off position and that is what I find as one serious fault to the human body and mind. Or you could also see it as a massive problem with the society you live in too? That people can make decisions that make you feel this bad without giving a crap and all normally because of money. Power too at times.
The funny thing is that, I don't think I mentioned it, but two days before the court appearance I was making up a page of screenshots of my blogs to talk about at the hearing I never bothered to mention when I noticed something. What is funny about it is that it was a little ray of light or hope but I just keep thinking too little too late.
As I looked at the actual blogs as they appear to others I noticed something. Two small adverts on some of the pages on my Blogger blogs? I found this odd as I thought I had taken all the adverts off my blogs over a year ago? I wondered whether or not Google insist on having some ads on there with the excuse of needing money to manage the servers? I do now know.
Then I thought 'well if they have been on there all this time then they must have accumulated some money?' so clicked on the earnings tab and got a little bit of a surprise if I am honest. It was heading for £50. I would have been surprised if it was half that.
I remember thinking how annoying this was as I had predicted that another year to eighteen months I might have actually started to get some small monthly amount, or every other month? Which is why I found the DWP's recent actions so bloody frustrating. I even said to a couple of people I know that if only they had held off for another year losing a percentage of my money, again, would not hit me so badly.
Though to be honest to counter precisely what I am about to lose I would need six times that figure paid every month. Puts into sharp contrast how hard it is for bloggers and YouTubers everywhere.
So no, it does not really help the current situation.
So your in a situation where you want to do stuff … but you don't want to do stuff. You want to watch things … but you don't want to watch things. You want to go and see people … but you don't want to go and see people. Funny this as the problem are respectively that you just want to whither and die, you just cannot get into things or enjoy things and you do not want to be a burden on anyone.
I am old enough and wise enough to see that many people have problems especially today and so I find it funny when you find a website to do with having a crisis and they tell you to phone a family member or friend!
I read that as “Go burden someone else with your problems while we get paid”.
Like a little conversation I had recently about how many bodies and charities there are out there but that no one actually does anything. I was speaking about this with my diabetes friend and I asked him if he was a member of any diabetes charities to which he replied, yes. I then asked him what they had done for him in all the years he suffered with diabetes and he paused for a moment and said “well nothing really” and I think he said something about a newsletter?
Yes because news letters make such a profound difference to your life.
I wonder if I could get to Google's Deep Mind facility I could ask them to install a kill switch about my person so that I may press it? Or perhaps upload myself to a computer to leave the human body's faults behind? Transhumanism, yes that would be one solution. I think. A shame it is not … a thing.
I do hope this feeling passes and does not linger too long but if experience in these feeling has taught me anything is that they are anything but short lived. Weeks and even months can go by before they begin go peter out as I am sure a great many can attest to?
Just another one of those bloody Fibromyalgia symptoms that can and do make your life a misery...no, a living hell.
Hmm … maybe of scientists can prove that there is a soul and it does live on in a quantum state then voluntary euthanasia can finally become a thing? So those of us who got the shit end of the stick can just check out?
That is until such a time that humans can become more ... humane?
Good God this aching pain is unrelenting!