WELL THAT DIDN'T WORK!

I am at the end of a terrible night. One of the worst I think I have had in a long time, despite a flurry of bad night lately. Plus the ones I have had previously.

A break down, want to end yourself, think your going to have a heart attack kind of night. Well .. rather the morning. Somewhere around 4.30am

Oh Jesus effing Christ these are the times when your under no doubt that Fibromyalgia is one of the worst conditions in the world .. at least it is in my case.

I was having chest pains along with anxiety attacks of the white knuckle fear variety. I still am and am typing this out to take my mind of it.

But last night when I first went to sleep I used something I have wanted to and not been able to for a couple of months. The very thing I was using successfully prior to relocating here. I did this because I decided it it was time I spent my first night in my new flat and .. umm .. it went well at first and then went wrong.

Cannabis. I had decided to give it another trial a couple months back and all went swimmingly and I would smoke before bed and sleep better than I normally do, with symptoms somewhat milder.

But .. I have this anxiety problem associated with my Fibromyalgia that can be so bad it can switch off your legs, without warning, which some call 'Fibromyalgia Rubber Legs'.

Why does the thought of death appeal so much at times like this?

As has been so often in the past and recurring of late .. my anxiety seems to strike at its worst time around 4am or so while I am asleep.

I was stating to my daughter the the day who has experienced milder forms of this that it is completely insane just how it can affect you when your asleep.

This returning anxiety was really not expected. It was also not welcome and had only affected me a couple of days after I got here.

It was also the one thing I had that made me desire my go-to off the shelf drug so much lately.

Right now I never want to touch it again!

I awoke in a bit of a panic around 4am and then went for the drug, which had gotten me nicely off to sleep just four hours or so earlier.

Everything was OK at first but then my worries started flashing through my mind and the next thing? Boom! I could feel an uncomfortable feeling in my chest too. I kept clutching it and squeezing it.

It is something I do not understand as I cannot see how things that should not affect me that much are taken and on the fear scale are turned up to eleven!

If I had known six weeks ago that I would be getting these constant anxiety attacks, chest pains and that night which was actually this morning .. I would never have relocated. Never.

I honestly did not expect this .. though to be fair ..

.. it is the horrid and evil government and their thugs that are the public services that have caused this.

• The NHS in failing to spot, identify and deal with my various health conditions
• The Local Councils for complete lack of support, while demanding money
• The DWP for failing to help people who are both vulnerable and suffering

Oh yeah .. what I call the 'Evil Trinity' because my life has been a living hell for over ten years, though thankfully not constantly. Just mostly.

I have trouble seeing a way out of this. It is things like this that only compound the problem too!

I have bee seriously, seriously affected by my short term memory issues since I have been here to the point that I have suffered. This is not yet over and added to this I have forgotten to take my pills from time to time, which might be what my issue is right now. Only I now do not want to put that to the test. Because I fear of that test failing and having another morning like this morning.

It is a vicious circle you can not break free from.

Except .. I have that appointment today.

It has been my intention for awhile that I acquire something better than what I am taking or I up the dosage of what I am taking. Prescription wise. The off-the-shelf option is most definitely and utterly out!

But I sit here worried that it was not the dug that made things worse and that something just as intense as that may occur again?

Good God I am still waiting for this to die down!

To think I was longing to start spending nights in this flat for weeks now? Does this mean my time now runs from being around four children that wear the hell out of you, two youngest are autistic, and periods of anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts?

I simply have not been able to keep track of things since I have been here. My memory caused me to forget important things and documents and despite reaching out to correct these many have not been sorted out. Throw in my memory, new surroundings, two autistic children, one problem child and one other. Then throw in the fact that my daughter is suffering many of my symptoms, has this recurring blood clot in the leg and some discolouration which is worrying and then throw in the 'Evil Trinity' and it is a recipe for disaster. One I certainly did not foresee being anywhere near this bad.

Right now I am terrified that a second attempt to spend a night here might result in the same thing happening?

I also always focus on the worst case scenario with my fears because it is the worst case scenario I normally end up with.

You can get sympathetic to sufferers of many different ailments when you have Fibromyalgia and of my sympathies ..

• Those with mental disorders that cause anxiety anywhere near this bad
• Sufferers of Plantar fasciitis, because of the pain and lack of understanding from others
• Sufferer's of Alzheimer's Disease because of the memory
• Sufferer's of stomach pain causing disorders ..
• Sufferer's of things that cause bad toilet issues
• Sufferer's of bad hearts .. due to the chest pain and tight feeling along with getting out of breath
• Sufferer's of heart attacks as that is what my heartburn has been like on occasion

But then sometimes I stop and think about it and realise that I have to deal with all of these. I often forget about how many things I have because I am always forgetting and/or focused on the one that is affecting me at the time.

The odd thing is that a few hours before retreating to my new flat I had actually emailed several solicitor listed by Google to handle welfare rights and benefit law. One emailed at 8.30am, while I was typing this, to state that they only deal with benefit fraud. At least I think it said 'fraud'?

I thought that getting a disability solicitor over a year ago would help and they would be better at keeping me informed at what is going on. They have at least been .. understanding .. though this only makes their lack of keeping me informed or doing anything somewhat .. confusing .. which only occurs to me after I had been through a hard time. I have had several hard times .. and that is an understatement.

The very weird thing is that you would think that these .. horrid events would then drive me but within a few hours of it passing I forget about it, or at least forget about how intense it was.

Then the rest of the time I am just normally forgetting and then there are the moments where I do recall and that causes my to have anxiety over the fact I have not sorted anything out yet.

So many ever decreasing circles!

I have now emailed Disability Rights UK and given them the same report that I have the others, in the event that I fail to find someone to help.

That in there is the actual issue .. finding someone to help .. that does not take too long .. someone that can assure me it will all be sorted out and before I run out of time.

I know it is a disorder of the pain and emotional signals .. I know what sets them off .. most of the time but it is all so bloody confusing to me.

How can the human body by so messed up that it can cause itself so much pain over things that are not .. or mostly not, life-threatening? To the point you then actually want to take your own life?

See? It makes no bloody sense.