DAMNED IF YOU DO

I am .. annoyed with myself.

I have been drawn into an argument that became loud and heated by someone that thinks everything bad in their life, and their past, trumps everyone else. Even those with cancer, to which they have now done this twice to two separate people. One dead and one not.

For thirty years we have heard that they have health conditions and could die any day. In recent years I have lost a number of people to death and so have they but it still makes no difference.

Despite being told by a friend that he thinks I have been amazing to go four weeks without them starting an argument or me being drawn into one, I am still annoyed with myself.

Fortunately there is someone missing from this equation today .. as of this morning away for two days but .. if they hear what has happened .. I am going to get it in the neck, despite notbeing the perpetrator.

But then the perpetrator loves to twist the truth .. they are someone that not only like to play the victim card but likes to sit there cutting out all the victim cards ready for them to use upon getting the slightest excuse. Well .. excuses are not really needed nor have been used for many years.

You see if you try to talk about any subject and within ten minutes the subject gets changed. If you try to state there is no relevance to the subject matter they claim that there is and need to talk, because it is 'important' when it is not, for the next two hours. There never will be nor never is anything of relevance. It switches to politics and leftist attitudes are brought in and then about their .. health condition. Then it moves onto how their kids do not give a crap about them .. despite the fact we all suffer from anxiety and that they are the most stressful person in the world to be around. My friends fear being around them for more than a few minutes. Hence why I was told I have been amazing to last this long.

At the end when they are losing or lost the argument facts then get tossed out the window and divide and conquer techniques that should stay in the school playground, come into it. “You DON'T KNOW what the others say about you!” is one common line. Yeah .. that is fucking relevant! The other is and I had today “you have done nothing but talk about your health conditions since you got here!” I knew that one would come so I said “Oh, do I?! So how many chest episodes and blackouts have I had since I got here?!” They then walked out the room and upstairs.

After hearing about how none of us give a shit about them because they cannot go on about their epilepsy, which is mild and I have never witnessed an episode and no grand mal, for a few hours I said “My daughter has fucking cancer that will kill her and I have to listen about this?!”

A friend of mine recently stated, upon hearing of a few things she said and a few other things I have heard her say, that they need to speak to a professional. I said “I have been telling you that for fucking years!”

To be fair .. I knew that the situation could get like this when I came here .. but not this bad and not every single fucking day. After a whiff of this heading in that direction I had no choice but to cut the conversation short and retreat to a room 6ft by 9ft. Does not leave a lot of space with some essentials in there, let me tell you. Hence I was praised for going this long by one .. while two siblings out of four will blame me when they find out this has occurred.

The hilarious thing is that the very first thing that I stated in that hour or two conversation is that I need to go and see a Doctor. This person never got to hear why it is that I need to see one .. that is how much it is me that does all the talking. But I listened to stories and whinging that I have heard a dozen times since I got here. Hence why I have had to walk out of the room several times while they was in mid sentence. There were plenty of other times I simply left the room before it even had a chance to head in its unavoidable direction. That was purely being tactical. As my siblings all say that spending too much time, normally anywhere between five and ten minutes, will result in it ending this way and that is without fail.

But I have had to stay here and for longer than I had planned too. Oddly enough this amount of time is down to one of the two that will complain to me. In fact of they do I will point out that had they not taken so long to advertise my car, around three weeks, I would have sold it and already be gone and therefore this argument would not have occurred at all.

It simply is not normal anyway and like someone said to me in a strange tone as to get across how much worse things are than even they realised “Oooh nooo, Martin. They really need to speak to a professional!” by which he meant a psychiatrist. I said that I had been saying this for years .. but as I also stated .. they would be convenient with the truth, make themselves look like the victim and do that to get attention, ammunition to use against us in the hope that they would change us. SO we all sit around as a family while they harp on about the past for four hours solid. Not a single one of us can handle this but then as I have found out through others .. they would not put up with it for a single moment and none understand how we have done it for all these years.

It is an absolutely crazy situation that I have liked to blame on the NHS for the last fifteen years or so but .. like I said I do not know, at the end of the day, if the blame is warranted or can be attributed because .. I tend to feel like they LOVE being like this and doing this. Even one sibling mentioned the “victim card” which is a phrase I am familiar with but never thought I would hear anyone in my family use to describe this person?!

Oh and why do I need to go to see a Doctor? Because I have these really bad leg pains as a result of a vitamin deficiency that for the lest few years have been controlled by vitamin pills. Well for the last three days they appear to be refusing to work and I have leg pains that have become worse over those three days.

I had already started to rub my legs in the evenings the last couple days .. this morning I was rubbing my legs like crazy .. rubbing them while making a cup of tea, prior to said incident, and have been while typing this out.

After this I need to Google this to see what is going on, as it is Saturday and I am worried this will now get worse. Though I have just remembered though I already took one vitamin pill this was singly and I need to take my usual pills that has another and different vitamin pill in. In other words I would have taken two, vitamin overdoses not withstanding, to see if that stops the pain?

But I came back here nevertheless.

This would go some way to explaining how bad things got where I was?

I had previously told people I would rather die than ever have to live here again and I never foresee it ever happening .. up until about five weeks ago, that is.

So it is down to the sale of my car .. which was forced out of my hands by the one that started to argument. Left to someone else that took three weeks to advertise it, already had the pics before coming back here, who will blame me for this. Remembering I am the only one in my family with a registered disability?! Homeless temporarily for the sixth time.

Then there is the PIP fiasco and the DWP and Job Centre lying and taking money away, from my disability to that of starting my own business. Would never have been forced to come back here at all of it were not for that.

Solicitor trying to get my PIP back? Taken well over a year and I would not have come back here at all had this been sorted out much earlier!

What else? Oh of course the public services refusing point blank to do anything at all for a single mother of four children, two testes as Autistic, who herself has cancer?!

This is not forgetting the absolute balls-ups the Police have created while all this was going on .. plus previous balls-ups.

As I walk into my room I see a message from my daughter, ooh have I not mentioned her? It is a photo of a bill that HMRC sent her as they have done thousands upon thousand, if not tens of thousands upon tens of thousands, of others.

The letter states that despite receiving the exact same money for many many years, as it has done with all the other single mothers that received this fuck-up of a letter, that one year was an overpayment and they want the money back?! That is over £5,000 and do you recall about me stating that the 'bean-counters' cannot count?

Four children, being paid £25 of their £100 per week rent. Capped for various reasons, no council tax benefit and no fucking help moving house and now has to pay £5,300?!

If anyone cannot work out that there is much more going out than coming in without the need for a calculator then they are a fucking idiot!

My daughter said to me “How can the Tories be doing stuff like trying to use a court to take away the human rights of disabled people and the British public still sit on their arses?” I told her I do not know but that I have the same problem with my blog. Everyone is either very naïve, highly amoral or that this country is largely made up of a mixture of those two. “But they would not get away with it in France?” is often a response I get to explaining that to anyone.

So I am manded if I do and damned if I don't in my current situation ..

If I say anything at all and get to finish it is all too much for someone, stress wise despite the anxiety thing being an issue for the four they complain about.

If I try to say anything I am often cut-off to a tirade of whining about very old stuff reminisced about because no one else's problems are as big or as serious as theirs.

If I say nothing, or indeed if we say nothing, we are all bastards because we do not tell them anything! Despite me telling her for fucking years that she does not give us the chance 99% of the time so we gave up trying a long time ago. Not one of us but FIVE of us and the penny still does not drop! Or they do not care because it is just something else to complain about?

Now with the homelessness, the cancer, the chest episodes, the other threat of homelessness that involves four children and the one with cancer, the pain being experienced by me, the blackouts, the pain of my daughter and many other things besides you would think that .. well they might put aside whinging about us or me for a few months?!

Not a fucking cat's chance in hell.

Yeah .. they need to speak to someone professional!

But then again.

Funny speaking about naivety as how many people thought Microsoft, Google, Amazon, Starbucks and Apple, among others, were wonderful companies? How many thought they had left leaning ideas and politics only for it to come out that there is no truth in this?

Maybe it requires another year?