A DAY OF HOPE

Well I call it a day of help but I have this terrible nagging in the back of my mind that continues to be negative.

Today is the day when things could change back around in my favour and I hope it will do so because it could, should, mean the end of the anxiety. Except for that nagging in the back of my mind I have had the last couple of weeks.

It could turn out to be a blessing in the oddest of disguises.

If things go very well and they would have to go very well, it should give me a massive boost that should propel me. I am already thinking that if my feelings get a lot better from a good day then hopefully I will be back on my drive to get out with my two new cameras to get lots of content for my other blogs and my YouTube channel.

Except I see raindrops for the first time in weeks and the weather seem to say we were going to have a couple of rainy days. Still, I am thankful for the cooler temperatures as it was only compounding everything. But it might take a couple of days for the thoughts and feelings to get back to normal anyway and for the anxiety to go completely, I just do not know.

Of course this is all replying on the fact that I get the first actual help after asking for the umpteenth time and over a ten year period.

I have lived here for 9 years and for a couple of years before I lived here I had asked for help for similar things. I would wager heavily that I have made over 200 approaches for help in thirteen of fourteen years and there have been times even before that I have requested help.

Going on ratios when it comes to receiving help from anyone I have had zero percent and when I have helped myself it has been a poor success rate of probably less than fifty percent, though in the recent past this has improved somewhat.

There ave been five legal challenges against me and every one of them has failed so you would think that this time I should be full of confidence? But I wasn't, got struck by the dreaded anxiety and no one was more surprised than I was.

One way or another I need to actually do something about this condition of mine because it is clear it is not going to go away. Mind you that could all become academic after next month depending on the outcome of the hospital thing. I might not have long to live or might be epileptic and even if it turns out to be the latter it could stop my cycling. That would not be good to live with, let me tell you as I basically survive on cycling during the warmer months when I cannot travel by bus or train.

Ooh my first cup of tea in many days.

Just been looking up what other causes could be behind my seizure and blackouts and I had seen various types I had never heard of and a couple of no-epileptic seizures called PNES and NEAD where the 'NE' stands for Non-Epileptic.

I do no know about either of these but my money is on me NOT being epileptic because of when it is tat they occur. It is always from rising and until lately where I was just standing upright from leaning forward a few times have always been from crouching or a sitting position and standing up. It is not spontaneous or random. Almost always occurs from around midday until around 5pm for he most concentrated occurrences. Indeed this is why the GP thought it was Postural Hypotension but they were so strong and I was on the verge of collapsing so many times that I had my doubts about that. Though I never thought of looking up if Postural Hypotension can actually do that ..

Te worry for me is that the fatigue and lack of drive had been kicking in long before the trouble with the DWP started brewing. It was something I had planned to bring up with the GP, despite him having only just become a GP, when the anxiety struck.

I have my list of 7, or might be 8 now, reports printed out and stapled together where they need to be sitting beside me.

I will take all of the reports with me and see what they are interested in keeping a hold of. The reports are for a variety of people I will be seeing over the next four to six weeks. As stated before my memory has been bad a very long time and slowly getting worse. SO I cannot always think of things which as probably screwed up a lot of meetings and appointments if I am honest. It has been amazing how many people do not take this into account. Including friends.

Damn! I just remembered my old phone. I forgot to charge it last night, remembered this morning and then forgot about it again, really that is how it goes, and after being awake for over 3 hours remembered it about 20 minutes ago and then forgot again. I just turned to look at where it is meant to be charging and was not there. So the whole time I have been typing this out, every ten or twenty minutes or so, I had not remembered it once. I forgot to charge my new phone too but that takes only about 20 minutes to charge fully, often less as it is still always 50% to 90% charged from the day before. Without using, my old Moto G runs out almost completely, or does in the middle of the night, and seems to take 2 to 3 hours of charging to get to full. Still I only need enough battery power for the phone to stay in standby for around 5 hours. Or in other words, until I get home.

Really it is mainly because of one phone-call that never seems to come though others might not have my new number as I may ave forgotten to give everyone it. Oh like my landlord! I must do that!

Having serious issues with my 'H' key among others. Keeps missing keystrokes and I seem to get letters in spellings the wrong way around. Been happening for some months and is somewhat … worrying what with the other symptoms pointing towards a possible brain tumour, lol. But that is something that will be looked at in two weeks time. Well .. a little less than two weeks and I have a report for that! Lol.

Will NEVER buy another keyboard from PC World.

Sometimes when you have too much time to kill before an important meeting or appointment in can be a pain in the arse. Been debating whether to go to it by bike or bus but I do not want the bike getting stolen, it is a somewhat higher crime area than that where in live by several levels, lol. I thought about visiting some friends beforehand but would be too much. I have been on the bike for three days solid so hopefully the being on foot should not be too bad. Fingers crossed.

I think that may what has been diminishing my drive, at least partly? Lately even the shorter distances I do ave seemed like a ten mile hike for each and every one of them. I think about shopping and then think about the journey to my nearest Sainsburys and I think 'Ugh!' It is why I got my old bike out as I am simply not doing things and going places, not that I have a lot to do and I stopped window shopping 6 months ago when a line of communication became cut off. As I have said many times, weather been crap and I ave been .. apprehensive of even doing my work at closer distances since that full on seizure. The thought of damaging the new cameras does not help either! I am hoping for a pill that will result from the hospital appointment that I can take around midday which will stop any blackouts or seizures from occurring? I hope and pray.

Of all the lists of things one would have to hope for and worry about mine are .. starving to death, being made homeless, becoming unable to walk and dying from a brain tumour in that order. Though if the first three start to look likely or even become fact the last would be a blessing.

Hmm August and September this year, 2016, already look to be the most two bizarre consecutive months of my entire life?!

If you had not worked it out, or more likely had it long before you read this, I have a meeting with Citizen's Advice today. Whether this will lead to any more meetings I do not know but I also ave a Neurology appointment in a couple of weeks. Then another meeting of Minds in early September and whether anything else, oh crap local council .. must do that tomorrow, will occur I do not know.

TOO MUCH TO FEAR

Oh .. my .. God What the hell is going on?!

OK that was too weird .. and too scary. I was first going to title this 'Too Much To Scary' but thought it sounded wimpish, lol, even though it is not me … per se.

Right then I got out on the bike after an extreme effort. But stopped by the main road to collect my thoughts. Visited my local shop for a can of Monster and a Twirl. Walked along with my bike and noticed my arms were doing that tingling thing.

Fuck! Just had almost total seizure annd just remember milk was not in fridge and was about to seize as the fridge door was closing and I bent forward and down and just about caught it Not before everything went black and that warm tingling electrical like fuzzy feeling I get when I have these blackouts.

Jesus this is turning out to be a hell of a day!

I GOT MILK! Hmm did I already type that? Memory gone blank .. oh yes I did, lol.

Well it is Tuesday and first time I had milk in the house since last …. umm Tuesday … at the earliest. I certainly had none on Thursday … oh wait and I told a friend I had, had no milk for three days … so last Monday. Eight days. Groan

So I did get a little bit of food … forgot to get couple those cheap bag of doughnuts … what? There is no way I can cook right now and they are damned cheap. I forgot them anyway and was one of three things I wanted. The other being Sarsaparilla, a dilutable drink if you never heard of it.

Anyway forget that, I digress.

I was walking along with my bike and my can of drink when I was feeling this tingling in my arms and then I was getting these hot flushing feelings except it was not hot and felt cold. I had already had some anxiety before I left the house. But I had gotten a couple hundred yards when this occurred and I though 'o shit, what's this?' Then I stopped and grabbed a metal fence along the main road by a Pelican crossing. Then I felt my left thigh go weak.

But I am out with my damn bike!

Panic mode!

How the f***uuu***ck does this anxiety bloody work and how does it just affect the leg thing, I was not even thinking about anything. Trying to focus about being out, the breeze and the noise … which turned into a low din just before the tingling started or around the same time, I cannot recall exactly.

Sometimes it comes on when you think about something … even something mundane you need to do it can just go boom. It goes off like Krakatoa if I think of the mainstream stress causing problem and sometimes it just goes off on its own.

I remembered when I felt like this years ago and you reach out for help and the so called experts tell you to 'not think about it' err you effing have to jerk off, 'do something constructive' that is stupid almost impossible and now with the thigh muscles shutting down … or read this book on CBT it is the cure of all evils and when nothing works they get frustrated and even sarcastic as they then feel useless But I thought about all the people that must have gone before me and been frustrated by all this. You want a pill and all you get is what they believe to be and act like are magic words. Then your told to come back in 28 days?!

'What the f***uu**ck? I cannot take 2 more days and your telling me to fuck off for 28?!' is what went through my mind in the past and I dare say has been through many others?

I can imagine people reading this thinking 'I feel you man, I feeel you!' I feel you to.

It is probably about to all happen again over the next eight weeks and this time things are going to go a little differently. Because I know what does and does not work, I know where it is coming from, what causes it and have names for them all. This time they cannot fob me off because I have no diagnosis .. I know!

No magic words just pills or the source of the stress needs to be dealt with and despite all that people think I can do and all that I know I have limits and now I know that the anxiety just comes and shuts everything down.

There is nothing you can do to prevent it when it comes out of the blue like that and no simple off switch.

Amazes me that Doctors never stop and consider for one second that patients could have tried a whole load of things before going to see them? Maybe even buying various pills and things from their local chemist? Nope, they act like you just got it that morning you made the appointment for the first time.

Oh dear … I have gone off at a tandem there.

I reached a bin with my bike to throw the chocolate wrapper away and finish my drink and throw that way too. Yeah like never stealing, cheating or doing people over I do not even throw litter on the floor. Dead against it and hate seeing it.

I splayed my legs out a bit and leant against my bike for support as it was obvious I was losing the use of my thighs for the third time now. I held onto the metal guard fence and got on my bike, wondering whether or not I would end up on my arse. I really do not need another accident with everything else that is going on. But been in some bad ones, that bought all this on in the first place, and falling off a bike not that big a deal. I was laughing the last time I did it. A lady in a car next to me wound down her passenger said window and said “Oh God, are you alright?!” to which I said yes as I was laughing. It was the first time I had used clipless (odd name as you clip in) pedals and I undid the wrong foot and when I stopped went the other way, lol.

When I pulled away on the bike I took it slow as I did not know how the things were going to be with cycling. Not great but they did it and I cycled very, very slowly down to Sainsburys. I was lucky as it felt like the left thigh was more affected than the right. So when I did get to Sainsburys after nearly turning around and going home a couple of time, I used my walking stick on my right side. Yup if I use a bike to go shopping anywhere the stick folds up and goes in my backpack.

Lucky I did not forget it! Otherwise I would have had to return home with no shopping for the eighth day in a row!

Jesus how are you supposed to focus and think about anything when you have so many things that can go on all at the same time?! If feels like your heads going to explode and with the anxiety implode at the same time?!

I am listening to another radio show that has been sent to me about … umm let me look, ah I thought it was Bigfoot and it is, it is called the Sasquatch Chronicles. Thought it might have been the Paracas Skulls again, or rather a different one. Still trying to get to listen to the first one he gave me all the way through. Started it tree times and ended up falling asleep so I downloaded the thing.

It is weird as I like listening to these and it seems to take my mind off the threats of impending doom. Over half my living allowance taken away and a court case to get it back, the possibility of being mmade homeless again and a neurology appointment because I am having seizures, or at least I have had one lasting ten minutes and have come close to others probably a couple of dozen times and other mild blackouts. Well, medium blackouts.

Maybe it is because I like mysterious things like this, aliens and things like that or I just have something interesting to talk to when I visit the shop. My interaction has been a bit lax of late and I have not been out on my photography and filming runs on my mountain bike, sadly.

To say it has not been good of late is something way beyond an understatement and I mean if the three things I mentioned of impending doom are not enough that even if it turns out I do not have a tumour there is still the things vexing me, the full on seizures and then added to this is the fact that I ave lost the use of my legs three times now.. Something that upon research is caused by very strong anxiety I have experienced of late which itself is caused by my Fibromyalgia. This can become permanent too and is known as a silly name called 'rubber legs'.

So a whole damned list of symptoms some that might be something killing me and another that might make me unable to walk the rests of my life and that is I do not become homeless. LMAO.

It is often said about me that you simply cannot make the stuff up I end up going through …. nothing for ages and then all hell breaks loose.

Funny too that I listen to these sows about Bigfoot and I think about whether it is real or not and while tehre are certainly a lot of people faking this and probably making money from it, there are compelling stories too.

I also find it funny that if it was all bullshit, along with other subject areas they claim about, then it is hilarious that people have made money out of bullshit and lies and I have done nothing but tell the truth and as yet not made a penny, lmao.

I have had it said from time to time you do not get anywhere by being honest and that is my problem and my friend Ken, who I helped while he slowly died of kidney cancer. Always said I was born a 100 to a 1,000 years too soon. The world is not right for me. Lol.

Nice to know that someone I met thought the future was a bright one, as not many do.

That show I said I was listening to right now? Well I just had a guy being interviewed whose searching for things like Bigfoot and Yeti, has not found anything and makes a great deal of sense and sounds like me when talking about others that bullshit and fake. He also mirrors what I have said about people that insist they are right and cannot admit being wrong.

Oddly although the show and interviewer is American the guy being interviewed is British, lol. Ah I just checked and his name, the Brit, is Adam Davies and is listed as one of the world's foremost Cryptozoologists. Someone that looks for new species at the slightly weird end of the subject, or at least I only hear of Cryptozoology when it is normally Bigfoot, Yeti, Dogman which sounds a bit too bizarre as these sound more like Werewolves.

He mentions about the attitudes of others around 45 minutes to 50 minutes in...

https://sasquatchchronicles.com/scep238-strange-lights-and-strange-creatures/

You just know listening to it he is talking about an attitude that is extremely common on YouTube in the comments where people start to argue about who is right. He states that this attitude is stupid because on either side you cannot prove that you are right and tat continuing to argue or even shout about it is not going to make a blind bit of difference to what the truth is.

Hmm, I like that guy.

This attitude is not confined to Bigfoot, oh no. I see it in video gaming and I see it in computer hardware in the comments section and is one very major reason why I rarely comment. Let us just say you would be hard pressed to find my comments. All one or two of them … ooh I do not remember how many I made even if it is in single figures. Unless half-wits that tink themselves superior say something on my YouTube comments … then I tend to put them in their place … or YAWN and then put them in their place.

Like this guy says … if your not quick witted and need time to mull things over do not react in a knee-jerk fashion as your opening yourselves up to attack. But give people a video games machine or they build a PC and get access to the Internet and suddenly there are experts on everything and everyone else is a dumb-arse. Lol.

Let us gibe an example …. the Dogman things souds as stupid as hell and sounds like an obvious set of hoaxes. I cannot say that they all are hoaxes or that Dogman does not exist … because I do not know and nor can I prove it.

Oh God, and do not even get me started on the religious fruitcakes. Or I should say the religious ones that also happen to be fruitcakes, or fruit loops, lol.