Monday, 12 September 2016


Yeesh. Why can boredom be so bad as to almost be painful?

My sister was telling me very recently how bored she has been on her eternity leave and said it must be really bad for me and how do I do it? The simple answer is I don't, ,not really. I do have periods when I do cope with it. Unfortunately that is slave to one thing I have no control over … the weather!

There are other factors to that come into play … outside influences, organisations suddenly deciding you have to jump through hoops. Your health which can be only very seldom or very frequent. The weather can be more or less frequent if you are particularly sensitive to it, as I am.

A mental health specialist was surprised to learn of my many interests, skills and knowledge while at the same time surprised at my lack of direction and boredom. Especially as I also have blogs that I work on in many of my subjects. But I also explained how they get neglected.

To many it might have seemed like a my musings were that of a deranged conspiracy theorist, except that it was never that far fetched and I planned to acquire the evidence and executed those plans. They never really stopped.

While I am typing this out I am also trying to listen to documentaries on sub-atomic particles, just finished listening to a speech by Miko Kaku.

Theoretical Physicists are always explaining what they do know about sub-atomic particles, what they are trying to prove, via the Super Collider and Large Hadron Collider, about sub-atomic particles and, more importantly, what they do not know about sub-atomic particles.

We have all heard about the Higgs Boson, or God Particle, but there are still things we know little about and things that are only theory, like Gravitons and Sterile Neutrinos to name but two.

I remember being pleased with the announcement of M-Theory to make String Theory … well kind work and I remember thinking of the 'M' stood for Membrane. I think the scientist that came up with it did not divulge the meaning of the 'M' until much later and when he did he said it stood for Magic.

I very much look forward to the creations of greater test apparatus for extra solar planets, gravitational waves and more surprises from sub-atomic particles and how they all work. If I manage to live that long of which there are a couple of question marks over?

Back down to Earth, quite literally, I have to somehow fend off a triple assault on my life that has sent some of my symptoms into overdrive.

Back to wondering why my brain, or body, tortures itself so much and so uncontrollably over things that it should not. Things happening which I should take in my stride but instead have uncontrollable breakdowns over. That is one question that is made up of three different questions.

I have complete morons to deal with that think themselves so clever when the reality could not be further from the truth. You can explain this to them of words of minimal syllables but they are still unable to comprehend. The mind boggles.

Then there is the other question and that is … just what exactly is going on in my own brain that has been boggling my mind for many years?

I may well be about to find out, unless these morons I speak of think its perfectly OK for the public to be lied to and cheating to go on because they believe there is a greater cause that only involves money. More so than human life or suffering … provided they can get away with it or that they think when the public find out they are too selfish for any reactions to take place that allows them to just carry on regardless?

However some things cannot be buried away and lied about. This is because there is an ultimate conclusion that cannot be avoided and that, of course, is death. They simply cannot lie and say there is nothing wrong when they know you will die from what it is they have lied about. Unfortunately for me, though it does not quite feel that unfortunate you might think bizarrely so, death may be the result and those results are … on their way.

After this weekend of the 17th and 18th of September will be the period of a week or two when you think you might get that phone-call as that is when the results would have been received. Unless, of course,, it happens sooner.

Many like to play down these possibilities while forgetting that they are in fact possibilities and the signs I have had and what I had read seem to suggest they are much more likely than usual. The times that things are done and the speed that the NHS moves is fixed. Those are the facts and they have even stated them, rather stupidly, on letters and on notices on their own waiting room walls. I did not put these there, the NHS did. I can only go by what I read and the fact is that the NHS takes forever to move a single muscle. This is also not the case this time around and so a third reason that makes me pause for thought.

But things will be what they will be … you cannot cheat fate.

Personally and if I am given a period of time I will spend it enjoying myself kicking the big three public services in the nether regions so hard and for so long they will be feeling me into the next century and beyond.

I can also tell those that think they know everything while being experts in very few subjects, if any at all, “I fucking told you!”

These things do not need a cancerous tumour to take place as I am sure that some cysts can in time become dangerous, if not quite as dangerous as cancerous cells building up in your head? A tumour and a cyst are … lumps, for want of a better term, and pressure in the cranial area is pressure in the cranial area and not good at the end of the day.

The Arachnoid Tumour has popped up as another possibility and maybe there are others I have not been able to come across and research? What I am looking for is something that matches 5 or 6 symptoms and maybe an extra one?

I could just as well be looking for two things to match these symptoms?

Forehead irritation, eye socket irritation, ears and nasal problem, blackouts, seizures and in the case of a brain tumour … stomach pain, though quite how that last one works is a complete mystery to me.

Not only am I expecting the head MRI to answer at least three or four questions … possibly one to all of them, but also the EEG scan should show something is up. Because I jerked three or four times from pain, which is not exactly what it was looking for I do not think, but it is something I get and happened while having all the electrodes on my head. Pain signal goes to brain, brainwaves are being monitored while it happens and so boom! A reading. Might not be linked to the seizures but I received strong pain signals while seated doing nothing so should be noted by health professionals?

So like when I was told there was nothing on my ultrasound test of my groin I will know they will be lying. There was not one but two things on the ultrasound test of the groin and they lied about both of them and then admitted it … while being recorded by me. Thems are the breaks with me I am afraid.

If I can speak to the Neurophysiologist about the Large Hadron Collider, sub-atomic particles, how Graphene works and other areas of science it is not a stretch to imagine that I first cannot be fooled and secondly prepared for it just in case I am?

I have always been prepared for it just in case I am. In fact I had to kind of 'wait it out' so to speak to see if they would ever attempt it again. It is all in the planning and the details.

I just did not know that my bloody anxiety would come back to dog me just when I was about to blow onto the scene again with both old and new … umm, material.

Part of me thinks that this will all really e the test of all tests of the system and the attitude towards human life and human suffering.

After all I am being attacked from all of the only three sides that are available … outside of legal action against my blogs that is. I have pains in my heels, arches, ankles, hips and back and added to this a seriously screwed up short term memory and skin conditions. A few … accidents that have the chance of occurring as well as embarrassing ones I have to deal with. Added to all this are the blackouts, seizures and difficulties with heat and humidity that has me sweating buckets and also another embarrassing thing.

Let us be honest here for a moment and for arguments sake sate I was able to do a job of some kind … who in the world would bloody employ me?! Anyone that would, would be one hell of a brave person! Just the memory problems alone would be a big no-no.

I left my house forgetting to take my medication on Saturday morning. I got ten minutes away when I realised I had left a lit cigarette on the side that was a real fire hazard. I had no choice but to go home, then could not find my keys only to discover them hanging out of the damned lock! This memory issues occurs several times daily … not now and then but daily.

Just that alone would put off almost all employers, quite unfortunate but very true.

Factor in all the pains and other things and then the fact that my condition means that I do not sleep like normal people. Even the physiologist that performed the EEG on me knew the importance of restorative sleep and was fascinated when I explained how Fibromyalgia sufferers never get it and even more so when I explained we are not even allowed the only prescription drug that can deal with this problem.

Except there is a much of morons that seem to be able, and like, to tell you what you can and cannot do?! They also do not like being directly called idiots or you inferring that they are idiots. Well sorry but if you open your gate and say something your not sure about but with conviction because that is your job … then your an idiot.

Whenever I am watching any documentaries to do with particle physics and the evolution of the universe it always results in my brain putting something into contrast.

Today it is that we have habits. Habits that some naïve people and morons alike think we can just switch on and off. I have always wondered why we cannot switch them on and off so I get annoyed with those that think that we can.

For instance I have picked back up what was a very old habit and that is smoking. I cannot quite get my headd around the fact that I have become so reliant on this habit yet again. I know the cause of the reuptake but it still baffles me as to why it is. It is more or less a nervous habit. Yet it does not really do a great deal for nerves, depression or anxiety and yet still we can end up feeling like we would not be able to cope without it. I am sure this is true for many for many other drugs and therein lies our biggest problem.

For years and years TV, the news media and the medical profession has harped on and on about how unhealthy these drugs are and done there best to get people to kick their various habits.

All those years and all that money and yet they have never decided to tackle the root cause of the problem and in fact quite the opposite.

Life has been filled with complications with more and more things to do, more and more things available to us and more and more in the way of bills, taxes and responsibilities. It became apparent a long time ago that this became too much for people and as this number of things to keep track of increased to the problem of bad habit forming has grown. You can also add much to do with crime into this equation too. Yes, not all addictions are down to this and nor all crime but a very large percentage of each will be.

But and as I have stated in the past we have continued to do things in old fashioned ways and allowed more and more things to pile up onto those we already have to deal with.

When your financial situation has certain … constraints then pressure starts to build up and I know this to be true and it has become more and more apparent as the years have gone by.

This is primarily because of my ever more failing memory. But there came a time when I realised that even without memory issues all of this would put pressure on anyone.

Morons that do not realise that companies and public services are not very good at things and do not ggive a crap that they are not very good at things often make mistakes. But companies, public services and morons all say “Ooh put it all on direct debit, then you do not have to worry about it!” which is good if you have a large amount of disposable income. But a large percentage do not or at some point find that their disposable income has evaporated. Maybe they were fortunate enough to see this coming and maybe they were not? The end result is the same though as you still have to end up juggling and you have to remember everything.

We simply cannot take too much on board and we are not very good at multi-tasking, at least beyond a point that is. You have all the trials and tribulations that comes with your career or job and if your in one, those of a relationship as well and maybe even children?

But you still have all this exxcess stuff to keep track of and on top of.

In recent years and with the Internet and crafty video games console companies and social media among many other things the amount of things your bombarded with from the Internet can swamp you to the point that you feel like your drowning.

It is funny how all these large companies just think that everyone has large amounts of money lying around doing nothing that they can dip into at their hearts desire? Anyone owning a Sony Playstation has found themselves having to pay a monthly fee as have those owning Microsoft's Xbox One.

The one thing that you can be certain is that the number of these companies wanting a monthly fee and the number of taxes the government want money for will both increase in amounts and in number.

Of course while your doing all that and juggling everything your told how bad you are and how we are all going to run out of food in a decade or two?! Wait … why keep telling us this? Because they do not want to have to deal with it and we have to take responsibility of all this too?

I sometimes ask myself what exactly it is that governments actually do that actually benefits the societies that voted them in? They look after each other, owners of big businesses and believe their bollocks and do very little for anyone else that means anything.

Just as I predicted on here David Cameron and George Osborne not only made no difference to the national debt but actually managed to make things far, far worse. They went just as I thought they would, though later than I thought, and still things actually seem worse right now than they did when they were in power.

I also stated two things and one is that the destruction was done long before them with Tony Blair over many years and that you would simply get someone else who thinks themselves way smarter than the last one and prove this not to be the case. Mainly because many have realised that Tony Blair screwed things up, as well as commit a few sins along the way, and everyone is a lot smarter than they were.

That does not mean to say they are smart enough and that still remains to be seen.

Now we have Theresa May and whatever cronies she has surrounded herself with … oh I do hope I am wrong about that.

One day I would like to see a change come about to truly make things fairer along with an apology to all disabled people in the UK about how they were treated and tricked.

Ever since Tony Blair was in power the government were creeping up behind disabled people with a large club to bang you over the head with while you were not looking.

I know that in the beginning Doctors and Specialists were not aware of this actually happening and I know this to be true because I have conversations with several of them. One even stated she suspected something was going on and had to do her homework before realising that it was.

Then the reports started to come in from far and wide that Doctors, Specialists and Nurses were being asked to lie about patients. This was so that the NHS saved money and the DWP saved money and indeed those that were doing this asking were from the DWP. It also become obvious to me that this would then save money for every local council too, as they provide support services to the disabled.

The fact that they did this while continuing to receive very large salaries from the public purse themselves filled me with rage. Contempt for these people simply is not strong enough a word for what I felt for each of them. The attitude was if their salaries from the public purse was theirs by birthright? That they were of a different species to everyone else? That they were far more superior and far more important than anyone else.

And he wondered why he got booed at the London Olympics?

The same rule applies to put an end to all this and that is that a large enough section of British society simply needs to realise the truth. Oh and give a fuck about anyone else other than themselves that is.

Still working towards that and it feels like it has been forever and a day.

Now I am going to go back to another of Brian Cox's lectures on particle physics, this time at Cern.

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