This spinning limbo
just never seems to end.
That might some like a
throw away line but it is the 6th November, 2016 today and
the likelihood is that it WILL last between 2 and 6 weeks longer and
started back on the 19th July.
Though there is an
argument it started long before that. The assessment date I never
attended.
That might seem the
reason why to some people except for two things.
If your not aware of it
every single assessment is a cheat. After all why would my GP now
announce out of the blue when I ask him whether or not I am fit for
work any more he says it is the job of the DWP?
The other reason is
that I have NEVER attended an assessment, at least not for over ten
years. I think I attended one in a place called Lisson Grove around
13 years ago when the first of the pains in my feet started to affect
me. Except I never realised at the time I was thirteen years away
form diagnosing what this was and that it would be ME that diagnosed
it. Oh and do not get any stupid ideas about that as it was later
confirmed by Guy's Hospital,, if you did not already know this.
I will never forget the
patronising roll of eyes and “Huh” when I answered no to not
being assessed for PIP by Judge Miss Mark of the HMCTS … though I
myself use the term 'Judge' loosely here as in my opinion she was a
bade one on a number of levels. Not impartial for a start. DWP not
having Doctors and everyone knows it coming in second and the list
goes on.
I now realise that
there is an absolute NEED for Judges to go through a list with a
defendant as to WHAT evidence they have received from you, in are
there is a mistake or they are lost in the post.
Now you might ask
yourself what is it that makes me state that this is a need? Well
because currently it looks like they have booked three separate court
hearings with at least two different judges for the exact same thing!
So I am around the ten
week mark into the debacle that is the DWP's major fuck up into
trying to cheat me, along with many others, tick me, make me go away
and get out of a period of time of paying me nothing. Their lows know
no bounds and this has become shockingly evident since I found a list
of people that have died by their hands that is over 70 people long.
Still … it takes
focus away from the fact that for the last decade or two the UK
population has been expanding rapidly and the numbers coming here to
live has been outgrowing the expanding and they have built zero, or
almost zero, in the way of social housing. Yeah … that was fucking
smart!
I bet the EU never
thought of that when they were telling everyone what to do?
So my rent is currently
around a week late and two months back it was two weeks late! That is
actually my biggest concern.
Two weeks ago I was at
my Doctors and I asked for my prescriptions and got turned down for
that too! Apparently I was early but I have a very difficult time
keeping track of everything. I did not check my pills but knew that I
had not picked up a prescription for a while and BECAUSE of my memory
… well, I asked when I was there.
So what happened? I
kept forgetting to put in my repeat prescription until I had ran out
of Propranalol, the ery thing that keeps the anxiety attacks at bay.
Friday night and
morning I had not taken a Propranalol pill as I had to go over the
weekend without any so I had left one single pill in the blister
pack. I figured I would go one day without one and take it Saturday,
yesterday, and then I only have to go one more day without one. I was
more worried about withdrawal symptoms since an episode around 11 or
12 years ago when I forgot to take Venlafaxine for two days. Yup that
was how far back my anxiety attacks go and that was in no way the
first. The first was many years before that. Yet another thing linked
to my Fibromyalgia I was not going to find out for a very long time,
this time more than 15 years until I self diagnosed Fibromyalgia
Syndrome.
Over the time I have
been posting and mentioned my Fibromyalgia I might have given the
false impression that I have suffered with it for 13 or 14 years. No.
That was when it affected my feet and I experienced what I call
'Reversed Plantar Fasciitis'. Even the painful Achilles Tendinitis
pains went back before the Plantar Fasciitis pain, long before. Back
then I only had to be careful coming down stairs as if they were
steep I had a 50/50 chance in the snapping pain.
When I had forgotten to
take the Venlafaxine I started to feel really, really ill and really,
really dizzy. I hod gone out to do a job for my brother while ill,
got back and laid on a sofa for twenty minutes when I suddenly
realised I had not taken the pills for two days and wondered if it
was down to that? I took them and within 30 minutes I felt much
better.
This was the only time
I was ever affected by withdrawal symptoms and it was enough to make
me remain very wary of ever having them again.
So when I ran out of
Propranalol I was like 'SHIT!'
A good example of my
memory problem? Yeah well it got better.
I was changing to
wearing a different jacket and as I did so I checked all the pockets
of the one I was previously wearing. When I did I remembered there
were pills in one of the inside pockets I had forgotten about, but
did not remember what they were. As I felt them I thought 'oh these
will be Amitriptyline and Tramadol'. Except when I pulled them out
they weren't these. They were more Propranalol.
Now I know what you
might think? 'Oh so you did not run out of pills when you thought you
did and the GP was right?' Umm .. well in a word 'no'.
You see I ended up in
Accident & Emergency at North Middlesex Hospital awhile ago now,
a month maybe? When I did I had several things stated to me, one that
I posted about at the time was that the DWP should NOT be coming
anywhere near me with my medical records and put his head in his
hands and stated “What ARE the publicc services DOING in this
country?!” The other thing he sis was question WHY my Doctor had
given me the Propranalol pills that he did, time released capsules.
He gave me to things … one was Daizepam, which helped me get
through the court hearing (hearing? Lol) and the other was 40mg
Propranalol to go with the 80mg Propranalol I already had. They were
intended as an addition to the ones I already had.
Now I had taken these
for a few nights then must have thought I was going somewhere
overnight and put them on the inside of my jacket pocket. I then
totally forgot all about them.
I am really, really bad
at taking pills at night!
I am not that good at
taking them in the morning either and mostly only remember if I am
leaving the house as this seems to spark off something in my memory
probably because I have now been doing it so long.
However all this was
after running out and missing a pill and Friday night and Saturday
morning I felt anxiety and panic. Hmm I am now remembering that
someone referred to my anxiety attacks as panic attacks. A medical
professional I think but as I have also experienced 'Fibromyalgia
Rubber Legs' and it specifically states this is because of the strong
anxiety that Fibromyalgia can cause then I can only assume that my
description was correct.
Annnd this is how it
has gone … up and down, up and down for week after week and month
after month.
The other thing I do
not talk about much is my appetite and I reckon I have lost more than
a stone in weight in the first month alone. Trousers I previously
could not get on me are now hanging on my hips, lol. This always
happens when I have these attacks. It is really annoying for a number
of reasons. Buy, hey? At least I spend less money!
It is strange when it
happens. I go right off food and the only things that are tempting in
any way are things that are not good for you, mostly, and too
expensive to buy regularly. Except for one thing provided you do not
do it every day.
This happened yesterday
when I cycled past a Kentucky Fried Chicken on my way to Sainsburys,
bought a loaf of bread and crab paste and then stopped at my local,
not KFC, fried chicken shop on the way home.
I can often go a whole
day without eating at all. Needless to say my weight is still coming
off … just slower than it was previously.
Now added to this is my
back pain which just like the head MRI and EEG an x-ray by the NHS
found nothing, other than Ospteopenia. But then they went out of
their way...no exaggeration, to lay me down on my side in a foetal
position to x-ray someone's back? Funny as when a Chiropractor did it
they did it standing up, weight bearing, and found not one but two
things!
Hmm .. now THAT sounds
familiar? If it does to you then you must have been checking back
with this blog a few years and if you have you must have come across
dozens of things that sounded familiar? Including things you remember
later on appearing in the news?
Yeah well I had an
ultrasound on my groin that when I saw the specialist he was
“...pleased to tell you the ultrasound was completely clear”. My
response was “Umm, what?! My ultrasound? The ultrasound I was
PRESENT at?!” to which he then sat bolt upright before I continued
“there was a black lump where I am experiencing the pain and a new
inguinal hernia on the opposite side!”
I am not going to go
into that in depth and how I was kicked off a GP Surgery that refused
point blank to listen to the recording of the specialist admitting he
falsified the test results.
So my back. I had been
sleeping on my sofa for many weeks, something else I end up doing
when the anxiety strikes. I managed to make my way back to my bed a
few weeks ago. Then I started waking up in the morning with my back
pain.
After several more days
I started waking up in the middle of the night with my back pain.
The night before last I
started to experience back pain before even falling asleep and I
grabbed my bath robe, rolled it up and placed it under my right hip
as I lied on my side to ease the pain, which it did.
When the pain strikes
it does not matter whether I lie on my back or sides it is still
aggravated but lying on my back it can be really bad.
Yeah my friend is right
… there are a lot of things on my mind I am thinking and worried
about that I should not be.
Being messed about and
CONSTANTLY lied to by the NHS and its Doctors, while they are paid
stupidly large salaries, is what really grates on me when I think now
that they want to stand behind all disabled people with a whip!
A fucking WHIP is NOT
what is needed. It is GENUINE help, are you reading this Scope?
Either give people the medication they need or fund cars!
I need one of two
things and I would be able to work full time and I have absolutely
HATED not having anything to do! Really, really hated it. It sets of
my depression if I am honest and all this has kept me out of aa close
relationship for so long I can now never ever have another one.
Yes, that is how bad it
has affected my own life … even told that … Judge that but she
did not bat an eyelid! If you cannot use that as a damned good reason
I simply do not know what you can use?!
I had thought I would
get out of all this myself. That was the plan all of 2015 and my
vision for 2016 was very, very different from what I ended up with.
Such polar opposites it was almost as if it was by design?!
In fact almost every
day of this year of 2016 I have told myself it was by design.
I should have been on
top of the world and look at this post alone?
I do not possess any
illusions to 2017 though the law of averages and little bits of
information this year do suggest 2017 will be better?
Though at the moment I
am wondering whether or not at some point I simply will not be able
to sleep in a normal bed ever again.
Oh but then I can
always go to the Doctors about that … oh wait?
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