THAT CHRISTMAS

That's what it will always be known to me as .. 'That Christmas'!

That's if I survive long enough to be able to reminisce that is.

Woke up and it's only Christmas Eve and I woke up with anxiety. My daughter was asleep on the other sofa but she said something strange when she woke up.

"You was having a fit when I woke up earlier" and I was confused and said "Eh?"

I was told I was shaking. Something to tell the hospital I guess. Whether it's connected to anything to do with my heart or chest I don't know. There is also the fact that I have been waking up almost every morning with anxiety and I wonder if it's connected to that but separate from the heart or indeed maybe connected in a different way?

As I said .. something very bizarre obviously goes on while in asleep because I wake up with anxiety before my conscious brain had even had a chance to process any worries or concerns.

Christ, in feeling it before I even realise I'm still 250 miles away from home!

It's just there.

Whenever I'm affected by it is always just there first thing in the morning.

But Fibromyalgia is the lack of a certain type of sleep .. a deep sleep where everything gets sorted, repaired and memories cleared out.

So maybe the brain is still going through the worries and so it reaches a tipping point after a certain amount of time?

Oddly my sister informed me not long ago that she gets something similar when she is stressed about something.

With me though it's always strong or over the top ridiculous.

There are always three things you absolutely pray for .. if you know your stuff ..

Sodium oxybate which is the only thing to deal with not just the anxiety but everything else to do with Fibromyalgia. This may also be the case with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome? Had that theory for a while now.

The second thing you pray for is to be given a drug that actually works on the anxiety. Nothing much has and presently Diazepam is used but has not been enough on occasions.

The third thing you pray for is death.

Yeah it can actually be that bad that you just want someone or something to flick the switch and turn it all off.

There are other things that can stop it.

The situation and sudden loss of finances while trying, or was planning to, work my backside off, started the situation off.

Now this has three chances of altering .. sorry, no four. But they are all up in the air right now and not looking to appear to be working just yet.

But I'd hoped that the developments would be enough to calm things down. The trouble is they do but it only ever seems to work for somewhere between a couple of hours to around a day or two.

I think the issues here is that the worry that they will not work out starts to creep back into your mind. This is subconsciously and nothing you can do about it.

It's become clear to me over the years that the interior of the brain is a very delicate and potentially hazardous and painful playground.

The brain is the nerve centre of everything and is where pain is processed.

When people first started to realise that there wasn't anything wrong with the feet or other parts I experience pain they would have the attitude "Oh well there's nothing wrong then?!" Where I would then point out that the was and that when their for hurts is the brain they processes it. If it's doing this wrong then it doesn't matter if your foot or feet actually have anything wrong or not .. the end result is exactly the same. The pain is the same.

At first they would look confused until I explained .. slowly that they might rub their foot in pain but the signals are received in your head. If your brain is receiving the signals then it's receiving the signals whether these are correct signals or false signals.

It's like the opposite of those stories you hear about people who are drunk and walk home with a broken limb without realising it. Those signals were not being received our dumbed-down because of the alcohol.

In fact I've wondered often if alcoholics are people that had conditions that were not correctly diagnosed or sorted by the NHS? It would be bloody typical of their attitude of this turned out to be the case years later.

I've thought about different drugs to stop feeling like I do. Mostly I always tell myself to hold out before trying drugs or thinking about suicide.

But there is only so long you can last. There is only so long anyone can put up with this. No one is impervious.

I'm low or out of diazepam and am tempted to look .. memory issues see? Can never remember what I've got of anything. There aren't many, that's for sure. Some pills I'm missing completely though there may be some at my flat I've not been able to get back to? I'll try to do that.

But in three days I have a hospital appointment for some tests and I have to be sure not to take any diazepam that day. I actually need my chest issues to play up .. which they should. They do most days. Well .. since I've been here they have. Well .. since I realised I was going to be missing around £3,000 to £5,000 in money I was expecting. I really do wish I'd known that one! Or hadn't had £35,000 stolen from me because I wouldn't have ended up feeling like this.

One of my family has been told to report the inheritance theft to the Police and maybe they will and maybe something will be done about it?

But it's a shot in the dark and not about to happen anytime soon. I don't expect anything to come from it, if I did I wouldn't feel like I do.

Same applies to my PIP being reinstated though that would be quicker it's still a month or two away.

So you still need something in the interim and a plan in case it doesn't work out.

Then there's the carer idea which was why I came here.

It was obvious that my daughter had some of my Fibromyalgia symptoms and they just kept on coming. The feet being affected is one of the few that she doesn't have.

She got home with a panic attack just two days ago.

Now she spent last night talking to a nice lady that lives next door. She had been through she pretty horrid things, used to be a teacher and had a little girl in a bad way. She also seems a little different from the norm around here. Polite, reserved and well spoken.

I was told last night and still need to ask what was said but she went mad when she heard about the situation.

Now in not sure how she is going to do it, what with her own issues and vulnerable child, but she said that she was going to go down to the .. well, council I presume and get them to sort out this bare house for her and help her move home.

It's been a secret panic of mine but I've not mentioned it to anyone.

I also don't really have anyone to talk to, visit our even anywhere I can escape to, to take my mind off things. The flat doesn't work because I'm alone with my new found fears.

The three cancer scared, the Fibromyalgia, two cases of Autism from four, puberty and a house nowhere near suitable.

Then there are my heart issues and my blood pressure issues which are running riot lately.

My father died at 56 and it's clear now that it was blood pressure related. A burst aneurysm and the blood pressure made worse by a certain large TV corporation setting him up to be something he wasn't. They knew it too.

But my symptoms are far beyond that of my father's prior to his death. My grandmother died of the same Fibromyalgia related thing and oddly her symptoms were similar to what I'm having now and have had for months.

There was one thing they had in common just prior to their deaths .. their legs, or more specifically lower legs bloating. A water retention type thing.

Every now and then I glance at my legs or had expect my trousers to feel unusually tight. If I do I won't have long, that much I can tell you.

My grandmother was supposed to die of heart failure and my father's aneurysm was near his heart and burst.

I've got my grandmother's leg issues and both their chest issues.

Plus I have a shed load of things that they didn't have .. at least I think?

So this is only Christmas Eve .. a bunch of stuff was opened and the room was a mess with trodden in biscuits, because they cannot take them out one at a time. Well some of them don't. Another one asked me to open another tin of biscuits four times and had already had a load of them given to him by his other. I guess he thought no one would notice that he had eaten most of them if he split the requests of tin opening among the two adults.

God knows what tomorrow is going to be like?

I normally use the cupboard under the stairs, not not in a Harry Potter like fashion .. to access things like my pills. But my daughter has not liked it being opened as it has been filled with Christmas presents. So I tend to wait until late and then I forget things. Especially at weekends and holidays when the kids are allowed to to stay up much later.

At the new house I might have a box room to use for as long as I am around anyway?

Along with the anxiety and worries I am praying I do not have a repeat of yesterday which was .. bloody horrendous. I have been worried about incidents like that since I have been here but though I had a couple .. yesterday was .. bad.

At least the new place .. of we ever manage to get in there .. somehow .. there will be two toilets so I do not have to worry if I have to die slowly in a toilet for several hours. Well .. other than .. dying in a toilet for several hours in pain.

Friends came over for half an hour .. turned out to be a couple of hours and a few drinks. Too many .. or rather the wrong drink for my daughter who had a strange chest pain and numbness down her arm who then disappeared as she went and laid down on the bathroom floor for ten minutes .. after taking an anti-histamine tablet. I thought they were just for hay-fever but then the hospital recently sent a letter prescribing them .. now I need to look them up. Told they are good for heart and chest problems .. be bloody great if they work.

I have told visitors here many, many times that people simply do not get it and therefore neither do the readers .. so do not get told by me .. how about a quote?

However, there is evidence that chronic pain and illness put patients at risk for suicide. An illness like fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome, which is often doubted or neglected by the medical community, the public, and sometimes family and friends, can present unique problems. Patients with FM/CFS can become victims of isolation and despair.

-http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/library/killing-me-softly-fmcfs-suicide

I also stated previously that I have believed for a long time now that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia Syndrome and Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome are linked and may well be the very same thing but at different levels?

How about a link mentioning all three?

http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/library/killing-me-softly-fmcfs-suicide

One of these days many people are going to realise that I get things right a great deal and as near as damn it the rest of the time.

Due to the fact that antihistamines also can play a part in anxiety control I have come across some websites to do with .. anxiety and found some .. things .. organisations and I m going to try and contact some because this needs .. sorting!

THE DAY IN HELL

I told my eldest grandson that there was day I was dreading. It was the same day and two days ago now.

It was the last day the children were at school, although one of them is only in nursery and not been in a couple of weeks.

I have seen a deterioration since I have been here.

I have been expecting blow up of sorts and half expected to be rushed to hospital myself .. if I go between the 28^th December and the 7^th January without being rushed into hospital, appointment on the 4^th January 2018 .. it will be nothing short of surprising.

I said there was a lack of help that I did not expect when I got here. Well it now appears to be worse that I thought.

The claims that the locals all help each other out around here are proving not to be the case, even the ones your related to.

A home move is supposed to take place in the coming days along with Christmas and a while bunch of hospital and Doctors appointments.

I have to take pills that stop complications that can have the effect of deterioration of my health and even premature death, though the latter I would welcome without pain. I have not only been missing those but have not gotten to the Doctors to have my blood pressure pills upped as ordered by the hospital .. that was only from the initial appointment out of four. Providing they do not add more appointments.

Well .. I have been ill too with this flu, though now my daughter has read about it in the Liverpool Echo local newspaper and the word is that it is the original 'Aussie Flu' I read about. I still bloody have it.

I also had not had a bath or shower in well over a week!! Might have been two with my short term memory problems? Things are just so hectic and with my memory problems and being stuck somewhere other than my flat where all my bath stuff and clothes are. I begs belief, even from me.

Each and every bloody time I end up not doing hat I need to do and because of three out of the four children.

Two autistic one and then a badly behaved and very loud, not to forget lying and crafty one, that drive you to distraction. And then some.

Yesterday was a chance to escape some of this with a family meal, though technically not my family, and some friends. I spent a few visit outside having a cigarette I so wish I could stop doing, dropping hints about the move. Nothing.

The two people I was look forward to seeing again, Alan and Linda, were not in attendance either.

Of course the older Autistic one did not sit still, complained about everything and as er usual was beaten by, not her younger Autistic sister, needy-boy. Just counting. Seven adults .. seven adults were in attendance and every single one of them told needy-boy to stop running around. I will let you take a guess as to whether he took any notice of anyone as all seven adults had told him this with many more than once. He was also the loudest and complaining that his food had not come yet! In an effing restaurant!

Older autistic one ea asked what she wanted for dinner .. “Ice cream!” Noo .. that is later .. what do you want for dinner?! “ICE CREAM!” and so the conversation went on.

Dinner arrives that she has eaten a hundred times and likes, fills the plate with a mountain of ketchup on her chips and onions rings .. pushes the dish away and says “Dun like it!!” which I have seen her trick beforehand when knows or thinks she will get what she originally wanted. Which was ice cream!

She flipped put upon returning to the house because she wanted ore ice cream.

Late that night a load of things were supposed to happen but did not and far too late we ended up playing Monopoly. Me, yung mum, eldest and needy-boy. Needy-boy the 5 year old performing because he wants to play Monopoly .. we ended up cheating and claiming he had to miss throws to speed things up as it was closing in on 1am. I had toothache I still have not sorted out yet. I also did not realise it was Friday .. even while at the family dinner I did not want to attend.

I did manage to have a shower and change my clothes .. something else that was just compounding my .. anxiety. As has the car but that is another story.

So it was getting late and I had this toothache and the one thing that I know is that if I do not get enough sleep .. I will suffer the following day and I am already run-down and have been for weeks now but seem to be getting to a tipping point. So I bailed out of the game which was taking too long, took some pain-killers and curled up on a sofa in the living room.

I awoke very early the next morning feeling .. not quite right and noticed someone was on the other couch. I did not realise it at the time and assumed it was my daughter and that need-boy and demanding devil-girl had hogged her bed yet again. But it turned out to be needy-boy, of course, with the idea of waking up on the couch making him feel like he is numero uno, he wants so desperately but cannot ever achieve with two younger and autistic sisters that are going to only get worse as they get older and bigger.

If the idea that these girls will only get worse and that there are two of them is not scary enough .. the fact that needy-boy will get bigger and more demanding has you just wanting to drop dead. Or leg it as far away as you can. We will see.

Suddenly I recall needing to use the loo .. stood up and almost fell over from nausea and as I walked cross a living room I had no plans on living in .. I had to lean against a wall to stop myself from going over altogether.

At some point there were stomach pains .. like trapped wind stomach pains that were pretty strong .. then I felt the need to vomit. Then before I knew it I had been in there for ages, was getting nervous about people waking up needing the loo at some point and suddenly bad diarrhoea, really bad diarrhoea.

The oddest thing was I had also spent an absolute age like I was passing out.

I had my tobacco on me so in these intermissions before things went bad again I would roll and then smoke a cigarette. Sometimes I had to place half of one on the radiator as things had gotten bad before I went into pain again. I was also still trying not to pass out especially so when I had a cigarette in my hands.

I had no key and so was worried about leaving the house in case the kids woke up and got out .. so that desperation to get to my own flat so I can suffer without being disturbed had t be quelled.

But after awhile I could hear the girls, who are shut in their own room for their own safety and our sanity, who eventually spoke quietly. So I thought mum was up and in a brief moment I thought I could finally escape the bathroom, then the house and get back to my flat. But upon coming down the stairs things were .. too quiet and the living room deserted. I was all over the place as I realised that everyone was still in bed .. I stood there momentarily before I then had to rush back upstairs to the toilet.

Yeah .. wouldn't have made it to the flat anyway.

Eventually I came out as everyone got up and though my initial toilet woes seem to be at an end .. others .. were not. I was still suffering and still trying not to pass out .. as I rolled a cigarette my daughter had requested and told her I was going to lie down for a bit on the eldest ones bed. One look at me and I was promised that the kids would be kept away from me.

It is 19.51 in the evening right now and I only found out twenty minutes ago that I was on the bed for 3 to 4 hours?! 'My bloody God!' I thought as I was told that.

The problem was that I was still not in the clear as I came around and was instead woken by a commotion. An argument was going on between the oldest and his mother that though I had predicted I did not expect for another 6 months at the very minimum but probably more like a year to 18 months.

The friction and stresses caused by the other three children, two autistic and one that thinks he is the centre of the universe stresses out all of us.

Though the cancer scares are only known and effect two of us.

The domestic violence seems to four of us like it is over and cannot return so once again .. that only affects the two of us.

The family that took my daughter away from me in the beginning? Yeah .. nowhere to be seen and the council has stated they do not trust one of them anyway. But then they an hardly talk because neither can they and they are only saying that because they sided with her, colluded with her and lost. In court too! Over and over.

The house was a complete mess .. there was excrement on the walls on the girl's bedroom, a tussle broke out between the oldest and his mother .. he had been placed in his room. I had gone downstairs and their was stuff all over the floor in the living room for the sixth time in 36 hours or so.

My had was still spinning, I was still nauseous .. I had been really ill, asleep for an unknown amount of time and wondering why I was not feeling as right as rain and wondered what the the feck had happened?!

All I could think is .. 'I can't do this!'

I had gone form the most boring existence on the face of the Earth while still having problems with health, pain and memory issues but still managing to try and make something of it. From that I had gone to the most hectic and one the most disastrous existences on the face of the Earth, short of a family all being murdered by a jealous and obsessive husband. Which itself still has it cards on the table.

As of this very moment a constant screaming can be heard from upstairs which is now a nightly thing and when I say 'screaming' I really do mean 'SCREAMING' and last night the mother was finally rewarded after two dozen refuses with a slap right across her face. The uber has now surpassed seven and when the door eventually closes you will get 30 minutes of that being screamed at the door and that will be followed by an hour of twanging the door handle and kicking the door. There is number eight. Oops nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve .. see how it goes?

After the eighth time I actually heard the answer of “Your NOT sleeping in my bed!”

Of course this was tried and failed. The demands for things just keep coming and as I stated before the slamming of a heavy chair against the bedroom floor comes when Cbeebies goes off.

Of course the other things is that the door is not locked and she does absolutely nothing that you ask her to .. quite the opposite in fact. Oddly enough her grandmother did that a lot with me and I told my daughter that when I remembered one day.

There is hyperpituitarism in the family too and I wondered if that kind of behaviour was down to that and that it has been combined with Autism making it appear to be turbocharged.

She would ask you for cereal and if there was two it did not matter which one you picked up .. every single time she would scream 'NO! The OTHER ONE!'

I came back from the shop earlier and they demanded sweets .. all three of them including the one that cannot string two words together. They know the words of the things they like .. or rather .. demand, that is for sure. I had told them I was not buying them sweets or chocolates as they had been naughty but would get them a drink .. to which they all said “ORANGE!”

I was only going out to get my daughter some pineapple juice because it was suggested to be mixed with the Midori Melon Liqueur. Well guess what .. no pineapple juice at all in either large cartons or small ones in either one of the two local shops. TWO .. local shops! Never been into a shop and not been able to get pineapple juice .. ever!

But I ended up getting some Freddo chocolates and went to get orang juice in small cartons and guess what? Yup .. no orange either! I thought 'this is going to go well' because I knew that one would play up. The one that has now stopped her screaming demands about sleeping in her mothers bed after thirty times ..

.. oh and now the domestic abuser is on the phone from Walton Prison!

I can see the reactions of the news media and the nation now when this family comes apart at the seams or members end up dead one way or another “Oooh what a shame .. if only someone knew .. someone could have done something about it .. anything to help!”

Funny .. because I made sure that they did .. over and over and over again, lol.

It is kind of my very final social experiment to show that everybody talks bullshit .. well almost everybody. My estimation would be 99 out of 100.

I need, by my estimation, a few thousand people to see that which I set up and the hope is that, or what that, it would be placed around by others.

Help with domestic abuse do they?

Help vulnerable children do they?

Help with cancer do they?

Help with vulnerable young mothers do they?

Help with Autistic children do they?!

Do the jobs they are well paid to do properly do they?!

Like FUCK do they!!

I am still certain that he got a friend on the outside of prison to sabotage a brand new tyre .. that has stayed inflated for two weeks, but had which has gone down once.

My daughtter doubts these ideas but I said .. “Brand new Pirelli tyres do not fail on a Land Rover, nor do the replacements decide to lose over 20psi one minute and then not go down the next!”

There is more to the car, which I am now considering selling but .. I would be buggered getting my stuff back to London. Or getting it up from London .. whichever I end up doing.

But presently .. once we are into January and if nothing positive starts to change I am going to have to go back. To London.

I am not Superman, more is the pity .. and I am helping everyone out, even those that I am not related to .. and nothing comes back from anywhere of anyone.

The domestic abuser is on the phone demanding to be told that his soon to be ex-wife loves him .. another thing that has been doing my head in. After the second time the Police got involved and there was a break these people have a system that makes a mockery of British prisons.

Thinhs are not heading in a good direction and I can tell you that form this the local councils, Police and .. prison services will all be finshed .. that is if one or any combination are not already done for as it is?

Because if you have been coming here long enough I predicted all this five years ago and I stated very clearly and confidently that is was absolutely everywhere and I stated to the news media that they only need look at the Police, local councils, GP Surgeries and Hospitals closest to them to find the lies, tricks and corruption that are ruining the lives of those they swore on oath to protect and have gotten pretty decent salaries for over the years out of everyone's taxes.

I never made that phone-call about my prescription medication, they knew I had memory issues, I was not aware that it was Friday and yet I never got a call back .. did I?!

I guess the GP Surgery staff and health professionals feel they are more important than those they are tasked to help? Never looks that way when they appear on TV does it? Oh they are show how they care and express their concerns and yet for the first time ever I am without prescription medication to prevent death or shortening of my life over the Christmas period!

Effing marvellous.

All because I am doing all of that others are supposed to be going and are not.

I will like to bet you that I am the only effing one that moves things to the new house?! I bet that there are no other friends, family members or authorities anywhere to be seen?

What annoys me is that I know that what I have done will be claimed as complacency and therefore my own fault.

Except I have explained it over and over and over again on here .. memory issues, pains, skin conditions, chest issues blood pressure issues, blacking out issues and many others before going from boring but peaceful to hectic and an effing war zone!

Everyone I am involved with is screwing me from behind while everyone y daughter is involved with is screwing her from behind and no one gives a flying crap .. as long as they can make it look as if they are 'doing something'.

Well I am here to show the truth.

Quite unfortunately for them.

I have not got a long, long list of conspiracy theories .. I have a long, long list of the truth and .. something that could be labelled a conspiracy theory does not mean that it is not true.

I would not be stupid enough to spend well over five years making such bold and wild claims on my blogs and across the Internet if there was never a chance they would ever get proved by either me or someone else.

TV News media excluded from that last paragraph quite deliberately so.

I have been feeling better since around 8pm and not as groggy or as nauseous as before and yet I still have a cough. Still been coughing up yellow, at least it is not green, crap though.

For weeks I have waited for a sign or number of signs .. getting my PIP back .. flu to go .. or crowd funding to at least show that there is someone out there somewhere with a heart. Even a few off 50p donations woud have given us both hope .. but we still await anything from any of those things.

Though I have to get back to my flat to see if there is a letter from the court .. get my old drivers licence, yeah effing still, and logbook and send them off.

Still I have a load of things to do and a lot of it is likely down to this damned Aussie flu!