THE WINTER OF THE FAMILY OF DISCONTENT

Fear.

That is what I fear the most.

But fear is something that is meant to be a warning to us .. except that .. is not always the case. Not in my case at any rate.

In my case any one single fear can be too much. That is one problem.

Fear of things that you should not be frightened of .. things that .. you never used to be frightened of .. things that are .. well to put it plainly .. stupid.

I cannot describe how frustrating this is when it is not taking place.

I cannot describe how painful this is when it does.

Now imagine a long list of things?

One thing. That is all it would take to ease all of this .. just one thing.

This could be an email or a letter .. it could come as a phone-call.

It could from a family member and be about the remainder of the inheritance that was stolen from us all?

It could be from a solicitor stating that my PIP is getting reinstated?

It could be from the DWP themselves telling me they re reinstating the living component .. though this would only be  short term measure but enough time to get everything else sorted out .. with any luck?

It could be something else form the DWP .. an apology that they lied to me and cheated me .. claiming they did not realise .. well for one specific occasion. Reinstating the NEA payments they promised for 13 weeks?

Any of this and more only helps me to help others and primarily my family.

Alternatively I could hear something from the other adult among the family I find myself trying to help 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

Extra money for the fact that there are two Autistic children out of four .. something that is fairly rare though we did read about some poor parent that had three autistic children!

A proper place that is suitable for all four children and preferably out of the area altogether.

Judging fro what I am hearing the area is on the verge of collapse .. after hearing about a taxi driver telling us that he and a lod of other taxi drivers are leaving Birkenhead altogether because they are getting no fares and therefore .. no money.

It could be the offer of proper schooling for the two autistic ones along with provisions, one way or another, for the things required to make things less demanding on us.

But it is still the other issues tat are bothering .. probably the most of all and have rising steadily to the top of the primary tree .. because of the tests for cancer and the reactions of all involved within the health service.

I tend to know professional people only too well and the only reasons they react in the way that they have is either it is something serious .. or they are covering themselves because they think they missed something. Either way it is not good and has us on edge.

That brings with it a possible inevitability and one that has to be thought about .. because there are no less than four children's futures at stake.

That .. is .. the most petrifying.

That has now been made worse by reading that the government does not offer much in the way of help for sole carers of children that are related. Grandparents or Uncles and Aunties for instance.

It is simply staggering for a country that likes to act to the rest of the world as if they are the greatest things since the proverbial sliced bread.

I was writing this as a Family Support Worker was visiting. Seems like another OK guy, a bit like the Health Visitor who we are now presented with a book by, Jacky or Jackie Fleming I think is her name?

He has now gone and while were were both smoking .. yeah try quitting when you have what we have going on and I did quit before for three years, we finally found out something from the hospital.

They also stated that she would need treatment. Hence why she has not been discharged but then I was pretty convinced that she would. The worry was and still is how .. dangerous this turns out to be.

There is yet another clinical meeting and the words 'high grade' and 'lesion' have been mentioned and therefore we have yet another long agonizing wait. Around three weeks by the sound of it.

Now I have to go and look up with this all means ..

Hmm does not really tell us much more than we already know?

Back to the never ending waiting game I guess?

Fully expecting the treatment to mean 'excision'.

Now we just have to get through Christmas and the New Year and maybe .. a move to a new house?

I pray to God the new house makes life .. easier .. even if it is just a little .. keeping children out of kitchen and away form the foods will certainly be a lot easier.

Away from each other in their rooms will be, or should be .. a lot easier.

THE HOUR OF DARK

It was probably less.

It felt like a lot more.

I had a day of anxiety attacks that ebbed and flowed. A certain phone number was always in the forefront of my mind. I had eaten nothing and nothing to eat. I thought about leaving the house to retrieve some food but I simply did not care enough.

After many videos on super heavy elements and quantum mechanics I got the phone-call.

It was one of my brothers with a serious voice and telling me he needed me to be ready. The phone-call ended.

I had spent the day fighting off anxiety attacks and trying to remain focused and interested in the videos before me. Suddenly everything just .. changed.

I had received a message a couple of days before telling me one brothers mother-in-law who has bad Multiple Sclerosis had been taken into hospital as had my sister, due to give birth for her first time ever.

I sat ... anxious and silent.

I thought about that I was anxious about and then the serious tone of my brother's voice.

Something ... somewhere ... had gone horribly wrong.

It was not that long ago there was another birth in the family and that one ended up with a stillborn child. Surely this could not have happened again?!

Then I wondered that it might not be the baby but my sister instead? Then I thought about both of them?!

I paced around my messy home.

My anxiety switched its reasons but remained just the same.

I realised I might be out all night ... if the worst had indeed happened. Instead of pacing I watered some orchids and my amphibians. That would keep me busy until my brother arrived.

Finishing I then sat down on my sofa to roll yet another cigarette. I took a lung full and thought before actually producing a single tear. Surely my family cannot be this unlucky?!

The phone rang to let me know he was outside.

I walked the path to his car with some heightened fear of what I was about to hear.

It turned out that his girlfriend's mother had taken a turn for the worse a couple of times and the pressure on his girlfriend and him had lead them both to breaking point. They had also just had abuse thrown at them by a new neighbour whose family seem to think they own a parking space outside their flats. The Police were involved. He had my nephew with him and had to pick up his daughter from school so I came went with him as someone to talk to and some support. I hope that I was.

I was relieved not to be told that someone had died!

My sister is still in hospital and I can only hope and pray that all goes well with them and my brother's mother-in-law.

I stated at some point inn the evening that I just could not believe the trouble we had been having and it was like there was some shady government plan carried out to release something into the air or water supply. So many things going on or wrong at once.

We ended up at McDonalds and I had an attack of pain in my digestive system. I should have seen that one common and make the mistake I always make. Had no food yesterday and had not eaten today and ended up at McDonalds. A very big mistake I should have learned from long before now, but with everything going on I simply did not think.

If that was an hour it was surely one of my darkest ones.