HEAVY LOAD

Every single day and normally somewhere after midday something very weird happens and it has been happening for a while and need to mention this to my GP and my upcoming appointment. Like, right now in other words.

I get really sleepy.

This sleepiness gets so bad that sometimes my eyelids will suddenly drop involuntarily and this jerks me into being slightly more aware, my eyes open wide and I then think 'What the fuck?!'

It is very, very weird and combines with extreme fatigue that makes getting out of the house a bloody nightmare. It seems like every other day now I a not getting out and even when I do get out to feed and take care of a friend's pets for a couple hours, this takes some effort too.

I have load of menial chores and jobs to do and I am just not doing them.

My eyelids feel as if small weights have been attached to them that seems to increase in weight momentarily.

It is annoying as I need to do things, this was the worst possible time for me to be lumbered with a job of looking after someone else's stuff. I have another four weeks to go looking after these pets and I am just thankful that it now appears that nothing major is going to occur in that time. Umm … I think,, touch wood and fingers crossed!

It seems that I am constantly reminded of the flaws of the human body and unfortunately have one that mimics so many different things. Often several at once too.

Thank heaven for my mountain bikes and I would have had to have not done these extra jobs otherwise.

Also I remembered something I forgot mention in my previous post, enough for me to think about adding a comment to it. Except …

...I cannot recall now what it was even though it was only moments ago and just before I started typing this. The heavy eyelids made me want to type out another post, maybe to stop me falling asleep? I then thought I could add the other thing but I have forgotten.

Oh-oh-oh I remember … damn it! It has gone!

Oh I remember … it is annoying also when you have strong feelings of anxiety and despite them waxing and waning to and fro but you cannot enjoy stuff. You cannot do anything you normally enjoy doing because you either get zero enjoyment from it or the enjoyment is muted.

That was what I forgot to talk about in my last post.

I often intend to mentions things in posts and half the time I end up forgetting.

Despite having over 2,900 posts I have probably forgotten around half to as many as I have published as I often think of things while I am out and even come up with some catchy, in my mind, title only to forget it later on.

Having all the enjoyment sucked out of your life is most annoying. Especially when you was waiting for dates of things to happen or be released.

I like to go to the cinema but only for really major films but I cannot do that so it does not matter that much that they reduced my living allowance by over 50%. This is a few years after they docked it by larger percentage. Then upping it but falling around a third short, so 33%, of what it was previously and they have now docked it by 60%.

What is annoying is they have basically told the world, or the local council, that I am must be now working and they will act accordingly. But I am not, mores the pity.

So both physically and mentally I feel like I am being pinned down by an articulated lorry and unable to move. I had thought about going to a friend's store but decided against it, been in there far too much. Ahh. There is something I need … but will need a bus or a cycle ride to get there. Not sure if there is anywhere to lock my bike up?

I want to buy a blu-ray of a film I very much wanted to see, Batman V Superman. My friends are shocked I did not go to the cinema to see this. But I heard it was edited bad and then I heard they were going to release a special edition that is far better. So I kind of want to buy that but am unsure as to whether to or not. I would normally buy one or two films a fortnight but have not purchased anything in months. I cannot even recall what the last film I purchased was.

I am on a lot less money than before but I have also been very good at not buying anything I do not really need.

But I miss the escapism.

Funny how it is that someone could swoop down, or turn up to save the day and change everything inn my life that is boring and gets me down. Has not happened though. Though I rarely tend to think about it and do not expect it, which is why the anxiety occurs, I just think I have to get along with what I have. Which is not a great deal admittedly … I think, lol.

I do have one thing going for me and I explained this very recently in a letter. The blogs. I have explained how much content I have acquired over the past 4 years along with where I got it and how I managed it. This was to the court over the DWP and my videos and pictures show exactly where I have been and how I got there. Almost everything I got using my mountain bike and within a 8 mile radius of my house. If my cycle computer is correct. Also I would only now be fit enough …. I think as I keep asking myself this, to cycle to my usual spots. I have not done any distances of greater than about four miles in a day. My usual spots for photography and videos will require being able to cycle around 15 miles, which is a little bit further than four. Lol.

The things that Fibromyalgia can cause really are terrible and it can cause many terrible things at once and often does.

I am well aware of the fact that people are treated with far greater respect and get a great deal more help if it is a condition that everyone has heard of. Like Diabetes or Multiple Sclerosis but say you have Fibromyalgia and it is like they shrug there shoulders when they say “What's that?” and if they have not heard of it they have a dreadful habit of assuming it cannot be that bad a health condition. I believe this attitude is what is seized upon and used by the government and the DWP as no one would give a shit if you got ejected from civilised society. Do this to someone with Diabetes and it could make them look bad and not very politically correct.

This does not only happen with Fibromyalgia but with many other things as well which I now realise is why they have these awareness campaigns.

As I understand it there was something, is something or will be something of an awareness campaign that involves Fibromyalgia? At least I am sure I read something somewhere about this?

I would not mind cycling today but the weather is dreary despite being much cooler than those roasting hot days we have had. A little cycle, stop off at Sainsburys and grab that film, some Pains Aux Raisins and a Mackies Ice Cream, or maybe Ben & Jerry's for once? Oooh thinking of splashing out a bit there, lol.

It is my only pleasure that does not come attached with pain! Well it was … not sure if it will feel quite as pleasurable right now.

But those beta-blocker pills might just be doing enough right now that I can enjoy it? I just hope they work well enough for long enough for the mess to be sorted out.

Oh yes and I think I forgot to send a medical document to the court as the ones I have sent do not list all things … funny that is it not? One other mentions my Fibromyalgia along with the inguinal hernia that magically disappeared that, that specialist lied about. Oh do not worry I confronted him while I was taping him and he admits that he did it.

I have to use three different documents to show my entire list of ailments and there in itself is something that can only mean one thing. To not make me look as bad with my health as I actually am. Now why would you think that they would do that? What possible reason would they have to not provide all your ailments on a single document or letter that you always have to pay for?

To help out those that are receiving the letter. They must realise? Maybe they think they are helping the country in some way or another?

Maybe they are told this from higher up and in some twisted and blind way they think they are doing good?

Except Doctors signed a Hippocratic oath that should never be broken and the government should not force politics into this … ever. Even though it was all the politicians fault as to why we are in this mess anyway.

Right … I must go and do something.