MY EMPTY VALENTINES

Some things feel like an eternity.

It is akin to pain. A small pain that hits deep down inside myself that disturbs me greatly. Because of this I try not to think about these particular things and I try to close down my mind.

Some things and some times these are unavoidable. Sometimes there simply is no escape. Often this is due to others and the vast majority of the time this has everything to do with government, directly or indirectly.

My current situation is down to others.

But I failed to realise that Valentine's Day was soon approaching. Because and for the longest time Valentine's Day meant nothing to me.

Love is something that has escaped me for the longest time. Long enough for others to simply not believe you if they discover the truth. The truth is simply disregarded as being too difficult to believe. So people generally do not.

Bizarrely I thought this Valentine's Day would be a little different to the last fifteen? Well .. there was one year about eight years back that was like another about twenty years back. Both times were a mirror image of each other with two anonymous Valentine's cards arriving by post. Each one sent by a different person. Each occasion was talked about for weeks or even months afterwards. The senders or admirers were never discovered.

This time around something was .. different. I actually have feelings for someone that I was told felt the same towards me. But I have been unable to .. get into contact with them.

The problem is two fold .. one they have stopped doing something they was doing semi-regularly and .. someone else has not mentioned it to them therefore. Though this culd have occurred via other .. methods. Secondly they have not logged onto Facebook and so totally unaware that I have .. reached out to them.

As far as I can tell, judging from the grey tick not turning blue or into a little tiny icon of their profile image as it does with everyone else, it has been ten days since they have logged on, minimum .. umm I think.

It will be two weeks this Friday the 16^th of February. Crap! Another date I tend to forget .. my birthday!

Valentine's Day gift or birthday gift? Not so bloody likely in my experience!

Ugh!

The thing is and this has been the case for a month now is that all of this in the last month is purely the stuff that I can speak about. There is a whole bloody mountain of things that I simply cannot speak about. Mores the pity!

There is also a bunch of stuff I would like to do but .. the damned weather! It is just unbelievable and even when we are told of a few days of milder sunny weather being just two or three days away it changes to crap weather once it is twenty four hours away?! Twice we have been out whe it has been sunny and mild, not even felt the need to use gloves and upon reaching our destination it has turned cloudy and cold within an hour and come back with our hands completely numb even while wearing gloves! That is the weather taking the piss and that has happened several times, the hand numbing temperature changes having happened twice. Going cloudy has happened three or four times since I got here! That is how bloody bad they are and predicting the weather of late. Funy as they spent a great many tens of millions, in the UK alone, on a new weather computer and they are getting things wrong more times than they ever had before. In fact many here were talking about this cold snap and heavy snow that has been predicted twice in the last month and not even either of those have arrived. At least not in the south east of the UK. But everyone was talking about it so everyone was given the same impression which later turned out to be wrong.

So yeah .. it is bloody frustrating and boring right now and you have nothing better to do than sit around listening to the wind and rain while worrying about the things that are so serious I cannot mention them on here. I just wish something would work out positive for just bloody once! OK maybe I wish a couple of things would work out positive, but that is because one of those is something happening to someone else.

And it is Valentine's Day .. the one time I have not blocked it out of my mind because for the first time in fifteen years I actually feel something .. in the fleeting moments between feeling worry, anxiety, anger and anything else that comes to mind.

I might actually make someone dinner in a date .. or at least I did think or hope that I might be doing that.

It could be a blessing in disguise .. as it has taken me longer to do the things I need to do and I have suffered with severe back pain for the last couple of days ..

.. so hearing something positive or getting that green light, if it finally happens, might make me want to rush things when I cannot possibly do that. Not right now. But I have the option to do so in a few days time.

I just need a bit more time to get a few things in place and .. allow something to get even closer to reality because certain .. industries are infamous for taking their God damn time.

Peronally I cannot help but think that, thanks to the public services yet again, I missed the first glimpse of the chance of happiness I have had in fifteen years?!

WAAAH!

LMAO!

MY LIFE IS A STORY I'VE ALREADY WRITTEN

Well I just remembered my daughters birthday and text her a happy birthday and of course my birthday which I always forget and I hate is in a few days time.

February is my most hated month because of this a reminder of a life without my daughter, then a reminder of another years chalked of in this crap life. Also bang in the middle of course is the reminder that I am alone and have been fur the longest time. I am off course taking about Valentine's Day which is tomorrow. Yes it is just another day to get your cash out of your pockets!

But I am a bit of a romantic at heart and have not down this side of me for over a decade now.

Desire me starting it has been a crap life and some thinking I harp on about that. Well I do not, except on here of course and as it was doubted before but not now I have to be absolutely sure I drive this home on here! Make no mistake but I do think now that I have done that and provided the readers have read enough there will be little doubt to this fact. Except to the most selfish and amoral of course, lol!
Otherwise I make the best of what I have desire the fact that there is a queue of people wanting to take this away from me at all times.

Now I have set everything up exactly how I want it to make them look as bad as humanly possible to the public, I am now inviting them to try it... AGAIN!

Now I long for the warmer weather, not too warn mind, so that I can increase my input in all my blogs which will increase the number of visitors I get! So from March right up until November the input, pictures, photos and movies will increase in frequency across the board. This in turn speeds up the growth of weekly visitors and it will be so cool a summer, though not cool literally Lol, knowing that each time I am out the growth will be growing rather well from the last lot of posts I did?!

Added to this I'd the fact that the other goals I set out for the blogs to achieve well be racing towards their goal at over 2,000 people per week?!?!

So interest from literary agents and possibly a list of them due to the subjects I cover and even the ones I do not cover?
Then their are the possible job offers as a writer?

Then there is the possibility of course of a solicitor that may realise that which may seem to be rather confused about?
Also ask the other possibilities some of which I may not yet realise and might not until they happen?

So for the last eighteen months and for the next 6 months I have entwined a very long string of words with those things in which I have endured as well as those I predicted. I also stated that I knew I had a single condition causing many ailments. I starred that I had many issues that would require the involvement of just about every public office there was to be found.

I also steed that nothing had happened and no action was ever taken and I also stated that as I go along and despite what I was gathering that nothing would happen. Despite finding a solicitor who claims to act on behalf of people with my condition I am so used to the fact that nothing ever happens I never even allow myself to window shop even in my imagination! Lol!

In fact if I am ever proven wrong on the prediction that desire everything I have gathered myself no justice is ever done or action ever taken there will be no one more shocked than I am!

Though this far I have hammered these things for about 5 years and posted about then for 18 months and it has yet to occur once.

In fact that there shows that along with everything else I have also have gradually been acquiring TIME to act and be on my side.

THE TRUTH, THE FACTS AND THE TIME.

Yet still I plod on. Still I await for someone to do as they should?! All the time I acquire more evidence, more photos, more recordings and ever more time. Once gone beyond the two year period I am in another other worldly place! The year becomes plural with my endeavours and my articles and facts number in the thousands. Plainly obvious and a ridiculously long time of trying become inescapable facts.
What is odd actually about the replies from the legal bods I'd that there is one question they have not asked which should have been above all else... do I have witnesses?! Do I have anyone that would testify to me having these conditions for all this time? Bloody hell, YEAH! LOL!

So I look forward to feeling the warm spring and summer sun and the return of nature and the aromas that this brings with it. Spring is such a special time where the light levels increase and remain for longer and the warmth from the sun becomes all enveloping. Grass grows ever longer and shades of green and golds fill your view. Songs of Thrushes, Finches and Robins fill your ears and goose bumps appear upon your skin. The smell from new flowers and that of ponds rich with plants and animals remind you if what it is one lives about life. Spotting make newts seeking their prey as well as that if plump females, adorned with a dress to impress of finnage and colours aplenty. Cycling around in this environment makes the deluge, darkness and cold that is winter all the more worthwhile living through.

Sunglasses adorned and white puffy clouds in the sky like islands on a sea of turquoise I long to hear the cascading of a waterfall as well as that of a beach. I hope to fell the warm sand off a beech in between my toes and the call odds seagulls overhead. Light crashing waves against my feet and my nostrils filled with the smell of seaweed.

A walk among rock pools with my tools in tow. Stretching my neck to see a shy Butterfish or Crab. I long to see and feel the way I do in these moments again. I also long for the mitre alien as well as exotic asking those lines too. The lichen greens flushed with blues and orange of an Asian Flying Tree Frog. Large bold and brightly coloured millipedes under every other piece of wood. Chameleons swaying on the branch in an attempt to imitate a leaf on a breeze. Eyes rotating in all directions on the constant search for their next meal to ensnare with their exceptionally long tongue.

Snakes skulking and coiled in their hideouts rest to strike at predators and pretty alike. Strange mammals abound of giant rodents and large cats. The cacophony of noises in the jungles from primates and herding animals while your view is died with numerous gems that turn out to be bromeliads and orchids. Giant insects clamber about them in search of nectar even though it be futile or a rare drink from the centre of the bromeliad plant. Inside a beautiful blue poisonous frog guards the tiny pool of water as if life depends on it. Small monkeys clown and keep around trying to study you as they go, hoping for the next sweet treat to be thrown in their direction.

I digress, I seem to have gotten carried away their with my poetic view of what is to come, or at least I have everything crossed in the hope that this is what is to come?! Lol!