THE EVER LONG WINTER BLUES

Terrible is it not? This weather.

Once again for the umpteenth time the earlier predictions of a dry week have gone out of the window as has the prediction of temperature.

"Drier and colder" was what I heard several times towards the end of last week and while it has got colder it is not as cold as they predicted and is still wet. I am also sure I now see rain for at least a couple more days before this Friday too?

In my position it puts damper on everything and I cannot even just pick a destination and jump on a bus! Bah-humbug!

I have spent what must be the third, likely more, time I have remained inside the house, something I am usually very much avoid doing, mostly even one day at a time!

Totally bad period for this to all occur too, any other year but this one would have been way easier and I do find that somewhat typical.

Oddly enough I have also been offered a free car. Was a bit of s surprise that one and not sure how to take it, other then to say thanks. Have to look into the cost of running the thing and it could be a major help with a few things...well I realised once I thought about it. Lol. I am not exactly overly ecstatic about driving again right now to be honest. Probably because the powers that be rendered the whole thing not very enjoyable while being vastly over-priced, for an activity that has been around over 100 years. Yet another area they have tried to force you to give up via price hikes without thinking about how much modern day man and woman relies on it.

A bit like housing then? Lol.

I am also in the middle of some planning I have not divulged on here that involves me acquiring several ... gadgets and a couple, or four, I already have. I do need another two and one of those is pretty pricey. Unfortunately. I am also somewhat limited on ... well, space. But as things have not been going how I had imagined, thought and planned that they would I am resorted to trying to give it a go as things stand. Probably not the best of ideas but it may pan out eventually? Hopefully!

It will certainly produce many videos and pictures to upload to my blogs and my YouTube channel which recent uploads seem to suggest may well be wildly popular while attracting a whole new set of viewers altogether?

I need to muster the energy to first acquire these things and then use them in the projects intended for at least two to get things...going.

Oh and now I have amassed two reasons I have to attend hospital for and hope I do not keep forgetting?! Damn it. Though my osteopath appointment should be going through now. Oddly at my last GP visit I was asked if I was recording the consultations...do not know where that came from?

The NHS picking up the phone trying to stoke things up between me and my current GP practise maybe? In the hope of me not attending any hospitals in case I get more audio recordings of Doctors telling lies to order?

When I pointed out that many Doctors had lied, he asked if I thought it were possible they just got it wrong? I said "No." First off I know the difference between the two and am very good at reading situations and secondly ... even it it was the case ... that then means that I have met 36 idiots disguised as Doctors and specialists?! Just as bad. Besides that and I think I forgot to mention as I do have short term memory issues is that one admitted lying to me and that is on tape. It is also on here!

Unless a cloud storage has closed down and I have forgotten about it?

Weird that it came out of the blue like that, just the same. I have been with this practise over a year now and now that I am on the verge of actually getting them to refer me for the first time I get asked if I am recording?

Seems like suspicious timing?

Maybe someone at the NHS have now realised I have done more damage than they originally thought I ever could?

Maybe I am getting bigger numbers than they ever thought I could amass?

Maybe the realise the ability I have to amass or attract people from different subjects who will then come across the corruption evidence?

Maybe they are seeing my tricks occur in other places with other people and realise I have slowly amassed a small army now using the same methods against them that I have used?

Maybe it is all of the above or something else entirely? I do not know.

What I can say is that it will get worse. Because I am not being distracted by other things that I thought I would be this forces me to not only continue on but to increase what it is I need to do.

Rather poetically this may turn out to be something that they did to thwart me which in time will only be revealed and show that their methods only served to backfire on them?

So it has been a bit odd of late.

I am not in the place I expected to be.

I have been told of things said about me which were, well, good I did not expect to ever be told and from the from unlikely candidates too.

I have been offered a car.

I have been asked if I was recording GP consultations.

Oddly I got up this morning and my back pain was doing something new and preventing me from putting my right foot on the floor for a normal walking motion. In other words I could not walk...at least anything near normally. So that was not good and a trifle worrying. I also did nothing in the previous two days that could have aggravated that. I am pretty sure I will annoyingly also have forgotten it took place a couple of weeks from now?! Damn it!

God things are so bleak looking right now and I wish to God it would change very soon! Things are sooo boring!

I cannot deny that it often goes through my mind how drugs would make things easier, but I always avoid taking that route ultimately. When you often cannot see a way that you can change things, at least quickly enough, within your power it can be terribly frustrating.

This is a major reason I have made it openly known that I detest these overpaid organisations that take forever to do anything while making lots of cash Especially when it's your cash and taken by default.

That then drives me completely into a rage when they sit there on their arses and expect the cash to keep flowing like it is some pre-ordained destiny.

What makes the western world such a terrible place in modern times is that there are too many people wanting exactly that. Sit on their arses while other people's cash flows through their front door. As time goes by the numbers go up at ever more differing rates and the gap gets ever more bigger.

Not a joy to watch.

And now I want drugs! Lol.

I keep trying to find things to fill those gaping chasms but something or someone keeps coming along and screwing things up. Sometimes from the most unexpected places too.

Oddly enough if I acquire my gadgets in about a months time the weather could well carry on screwing that up too? Because space is a big factor and I do not have a great deal of it.

I am not perfect and my own life is a large reason why I am far from perfect. Those horrors and rather unusual sequences of time would have to have had a detrimental effect on me. On anyone. In fact many things I have been through would each have killed many, many others. But despite the faults I have acquired I will not allow my own horrors to make me into some amoral, selfish monster that I do not want to be. Or even just become a drug addict or alcoholic, no matter how many times the thought appeals to me.

So I sit here looking at the miserably grey sky outside thinking of how a little sunlight mere moments ago was nothing more than some evil tease to drive me to self destruction and wonder how long it will be before I can actually do something?

I also wonder if I will have the energy or even just the agility when the time comes?

While playing dodge-ball with other people's theories, egos, envies, wants and wishes. Or just plain old blindness!

What is the odds that it will be pouring down with rain when I have the Osteopath appointment? Lol.

But then again and when I think about it I do have a quite unnaturally empty life and have to cope with the pains and the possibilities of things worsening to the point of complete immobility without anyone else in my life. That is all OK but then sometimes I imagine myself being stuck here, or worse still dead here, for days without anyone knowing. That..does..get kinda scary.

There I go again with the thoughts of being stoned out of my head. Lol.

When you are trying from day to day to be positive and to strive to create things to be positive about and with the lengthiest of most miserable winters on record at the worst time imaginable I suppose it stands to reason that things can get gloomy.

But that does not me from hoping for a day when I can turn that gloom into a ray of sunshine to cling onto.

Maybe being alone for such a long time has a drastic effect, psychologically, on ones mind? That is what I keep telling myself of late.

The only way out of this is to find things to do. Things to occupy yourself with. I am afraid that in the UK and in these dark days that has become increasingly difficult to the point of impossible to do. Weather depending!

Lol.

Oh well, fingers crossed for tomorrow.

THE CHINKS IN THE IRON ARMOUR

I have had a strange few days.

I have been bored and impatient and in fact I was jotting down the thoughts in my Moleskine notebook, or one of them along with the inevitable questions to myself add to why these things occur.

I had been thinking about how the bloody weather had been dreadful so still not out on my new bike for several days yet again. An old friend long gone now used to hate I if it snowed this time of year but I always prayed for it. It would at least make things more interesting, pretty and I would always want to take my camera everywhere and take pictures. At least when it thawed spring would arrive fairly quickly and even the birds would be a sight with Fieldfares and Redwings often visiting my garden for the berries in a tree.

Nope, like this is a bloody nightmare and miserable as hell for anyone, not just someone with issues that may be caused by ailments or just issues on top of issues caused by ailments.

I am a fidget, no point disguising it I am a fidget and for several years have absolutely hated sitting still and hate the thought if not leaving the house. I am not entirely sure why but I know my Fibromyalgia amplifies all manner of electrical signals, as well as firing off pain signals desire their being no pain. Yes it's very weird but if you know anyone with Fibromyalgia and they say their in pain and you think not having only limited knowledge of Fibromyalgia... stop! Forget the feet, knees, legs, arms or whatever it is that they say hurts. It's not the point at all. The fact is the sensation is no different whatsoever to actually having the ailment. Because it's all just electrical signals to the brain. Yes we'll it's bloody weird to me too and the other problem is with anyone with Fibromyalgia is that if you have anything new you do not know if it is a genuine ailment or injury or its just Fibromyalgia adding another damned symptom to the list. The list can be long too. Very long! Mine is around the 120 mark, symptom does not translate to pain, and around 200 were listed in one book I owned. Just remember I never got that back off one of the GPs that kicked me off their register over all this, lol.

For sidetracked there but anyway was wondering if it was a Fibromyalgia thing or whether or not I have got stuck with some bad habits that have become engrained. I have had to endure many things for a fair old while now. I wonder if they will ever fade? If they are habits that is.

It did not help when a few days back I noticed a paunch. A bloody paunch. I did some upper body exercises and become focused on exercising regularly, something I have not done for well over a year! I get down over these things. I don't know why.

I have had no love life in years and no plans or actively seeking a new one. So why would I care about a damn paunch?

When I was pondering this earlier is I scribbled away in my notebook I considered how I not only see myself but also how I portray myself to others. The latter involves those I attack on this blog as I have been battling them for years, even if they were stupidly naive about it. To be anything that is not right and as such this paunch means a weakness. A chink in my armour if you prefer? Every aspect of both my personality and skill set had been tailored to look...impervious. Undefeatable both intellectually and physically because attacks on both levels are not only possible have both occurred previously!

Now the fact that I was not bettered previously, including physically by anyone ever including the bailiff and his glove wearing mate. It mattered not that I had not been defeated but it does matter a great deal that I am not defeated in the future and during the life of this blog so I need to change my attitude and routine from that I had last year. I have started to exercise and I must now stick to that.

I had plans to get another couple of tools, two help with one very neglected blog while one of the two would also help with several others. If I can work something out that is?

These tools are, however, at least 3 weeks away and possibly 7 weeks away in total. However the weather may have improved by then? God help us if it hasn't as I could not even guess how many of us would be miserable by then? Lol.

Still the tools will be good whenever I do manage to get them as another few blogs will get a vast improvement over the next couple of years.

Yesterday the weathermen stated that it was going to be sunny in the afternoon and I wondered whether or not to go out on my bike. But then they have been dreadful at getting it right the last eighteen months or more! So imagine what I was thinking about the weathermen and the BBC showing off about it's £76 Million computer to be more accurate with the weather and predict it over ten days instead of five when it was pissing down with rain as I headed for my town centre?!

Morons!!