Foreword: This and a series of posts were written a few days to over a week back and I am so busy and have so much on my mind that I forgot to post them! Sorry. I also noted I posted a series of posts on the wrong ... blog?! Sorry once again.
Yup as the title suggests I feel (or DID) like crap.
Today could have gone a whole lot worse and I see my first sign that my memory could have caused serious problems. Though to be fair I think I could have avoided it .. once I remembered.
I had one of my more .. let's say debilitating symptoms play up .. umm yesterday morning? The morning before?
I think it's partly my own fault as this one is aggravated by diet, though to be fair I've been really busy. In fact memory issue number one ..
This morning I finally managed to get a key cut, something I've been trying to remember to do for a week now.
This afternoon I had bad heartburn coming on .. ooh that's three, and around the same time I started to feel like shit, tired and sleepy.
It was about thirty minutes into this I remembered that I did got get much sleep last night. Because of the other effing symptom I mentioned.
Painful, embarrassing and in my case it gets .. messy. In fact the messy part is when I know it's over! Lol. That's just one.
I was supposed to be on a long drive today and when I realised .. or rather recalled about 4pm that I was feeling like shit because I had no sleep I thought maybe it was probably for the best I didn't drive?
Plus. Well. I'm supposed to be somewhere on a certain date and .. I cannot remember the date.
I get annoyed at times like this .. because .. it's so bloody disruptive to plans.
I'm trying to watch a film while typing this in the hope I stay awake until at least a little later?
I did sleep last night. It just wasn't for very long is all. I recall it being after 4am and I know I woke up prior to 9am. I'm just not sure if there exact times. But it always results in the same whether too little or not at all. I end up feeling really, really low, sleepy and anything I have to deal with that's a little worrying feels ten times worse.
So, yeah .. I get annoyed when I let something slip by me that aggravates things. Only this time several things have been aggravated.
I was thinking earlier what I wouldn't do to get my hands on some Sodium oxybate for a few weeks to see what difference it makes. Then I remembered. "Oh yeah! I was going to look into that once the inheritance issue was resolved!"
See?
Damned stomach pains too .. luckily that's not been too bad. Mostly twinges but with the odd pain beyond that.
I really, really, really must do something about my diet. But I find things so hard to stick to and I get bored of certain foods.
Plus some things I'm supposed to eat actually aggravate other symptoms.
For example in supposed to eat plenty of fibre but I can't eat bran or milk. Go figure.
Some things I love I can't eat either. Fish and chips I had to stop eating over a year ago and now .. it seems curries are no good either.
Every now and then there is something new I can't eat.
If I ever have to stop eating pizza, proper pizza, and Chinese food .. and cheeseburgers and you might as well just shoot me now.
The funny thing is chip shop chips affect me but French fries do not.
Jesus Christ.
I have loads of diets I'm supposed to be on with things supposed to eat on one diet is a no-no on another. And all that with short term memory loss! Lol.
Keep on cross referencing five different diets while out shopping with memory loss happening every hour or so and I'm on edge because I know taking too long will hurt. Umm the pain in my feet I'm referring to .. not my current pain and discomfort.
Oh and I'm going to try and be self employed and it in plenty of work to meet their unfair criteria I didn't know about until a few days ago.
Still .. I was intending and praying to do a lot more than they expect .. we will just have to see how it goes. Fingers crossed I can keep it up.
Ooh .. I have to go to a stationers .. maybe Rymans or Office World. Hmm Office World?
Oh good God and I've still got a bloody shopping list of other things to still get.
Oh and I have to find a new home and then move home.
Ooh I thought of an Easel. Well along with a whiteboard. Got to get a rota together .. well more of reminders and lists of possibilities. Depending on weather, time of day and certain opportunities presenting themselves .. I need to be able to glance at a whiteboard and plan my working day instantly.
Feck knows where it's going if I get it before I move?! Lol.
Oh boy, life had to get easier and less confusing at some point?!
It's quite insane as well as amoral to expect people to do all this without support. I mean I'm more capable then most so how must others be finding all this?
I even get told I'll receive the minimum of support for certain things and then only get one third of what I was promised.
Sort of insane when I think about it. Get lied to about this, get lie too about that, watch as the goal posts get moved back and forth repeatedly and then get promised things you either don't get or lucky to get half of.
What's the real shocker is how all this is supposed to be accepted as OK and the way things are but .. if a member of the public steps out of line or does not do what they say, even with disabilities, .. week just look above your head. There will be a ton of bricks suspended in mid air waiting to be dropped.
I've felt that a fair few times.
At first you survive it and it becomes second nature.
But no one is made of stone and after awhile you start to get weary of it.
When this occurs from every possible angle the weariness comes on a lot quicker.
These days .. as soon as your given a life line the vultures seem to catch a wind and they start to circle.
I've seen the faint sighting of distant birds up on high. I'm interested to see where that goes.
Despite everything that has been done to me what with being lied to and lied about and the lack of support .. you then feel like a criminal when it becomes clear that the smell of available meat seems to be carrying on the wind.
You start asking yourself if they genuinely see you as a criminal despite doing nothing ever to give them that idea or they just yet everyone like a slave. Because for God knows how many years now I've felt like many have stood behind me with a proverbial whip.
Of course during all this my .. usual habits with what I do have changed. Getting about is very different and there were things I didn't consider before.
I tried to do things I've been doing for several years now and yet I have had .. trepidation with every attempt. I've held back, suddenly realising that things are a little different.
I'm apprehensive. Each time I go out. I do my stuff but in my old haunts I don't do what I used to do. It's .. weird.
It's a combination of physical as well as psychological and I've got to work through it. I have to get used to it. Iron out the kinks.
I never foresaw that occurring.
That's just the local ones.
Going a bit further afield is not a problem.
However .. going to the places I want to go is .. disconcerting and I hope only temporary.
I know why .. but it doesn't help. It's because of the lack of support along with the taking away of what little support I have.
You see no matter what they think or what they say there simply is no getting around the psychological effects. No getting around them.
But of course and in Britain at least we're run by people and have been for over a decade that think they can just snap their fingers or crack their proverbial whip and everyone does what they want them to.
The reality for those that think this course of action is correct but .. it just doesn't work like that. Force it and people suffer, self harm, end up hospitalised or even die.
If those things are occurring then your simply wrong on your actions.
All these things have been occurring and I've either read over and over of people being affected as described above or talking about the fear they feel and fear of heading in the directions I've mentioned above.
Now normally and as most normal moral people would expect .. you would not think they would get away with this. But then for them not to get away with it everyone or at least enough people need to know it's going on.
Except they don't.
The reason why not enough people know about it is it's simply not reported by the news media. Not that I've noticed and is it is at all it's in piece-meal fashion and journalists have been really bad at stitching it all together.
Or they have been intentionally ignoring the stories or deliberately releasing things .. piece-meal.
Now taking about myself and what I have believed?
I have strongly believed that the news media have intentionally ignored the stories. I have for a very long time and before I even started blogging.
I thought for the longest time that I was on my own in this brief.
Then I stumbled across the so-called skeptics on YouTube and then the fake news stories started to fly after Donald Trump more or less coined the phrase.
It doesn't matter in the slightest whether you like Donald Trump or not or whether you agree with him or not. When something is a statement of fact then it's a statement of fact.
If someone states a few things that are wrong it does not then mean that everything else they said is wrong or false.
I don't know anything about Donald Trump in actual fact and he was part of an American version of a British show I hate with a passion.
He did make me chuckle once in a clip they showed in the news media but that's about it.
I don't care whether you far right or far left .. if something is wrong then it's wrong. If it is not going to work then it's not going to work. If it's false then it's false.
You also can't force people to change what they feel or feel the same way you feel. Never, ever, ever.
Maybe it's the religious effect?
Just bear with me for a moment .. if your someone in power and your not religious .. then you might think that the majority of the public are easily led because they believe in the existence of an impossible deity or being.
So .. not much of a stretch for them to believe that entire populations or societies can be swayed into believing whatever they want them to believe.
I personally get internally very pissed off when people tell me that stuff I went through didn't happen because they don't believe it. When it's far, far more believable than some cockamamy idea they believe in. Be that a supreme being whose full of love but allows suffering, full of love but tells his people to murder or steal from others or even that the Earth is flat or vampires exist or equally daft theory. Secret societies on the moon for instance.
I often state this to someone that I know as soon as they start to give reasons why my theories are not agreed with. But sometimes this is because someone believes in God. Sometimes it's because it's something I've been told that I believe but others do not. I'm also not kidding about flatland and secret societies on the moon. I think I've honestly heard them all?
But what I've pitched for almost five years does not come close to supreme beings or secret societies or anything else.
I have no theories that wild other than stating that I would not be shocked at all to find out aliens had visited this planet.
I've witnessed nothing else the last fifteen years but sheer madness and watched in disbelief as it got worse.
To begin with I saw the signs but I really didn't believe it.
In fact it was just in one place .. and then before long it was another. Each organisation more shocking than the last.
There was one I really couldn't believe was involved in the exact same lies and corruption. I found out the hard way and this was first hand and face to face.
People today still make excuses. I hear it over and over again to each person that gets to hear.
It's just that they employ idiots.
Well .. they seem to employ a hell of a lot of idiots and if this were the case I would have gotten many people fired and her my issues rectified.
Only .. any corrections that got made that would have given them the benefit of the doubt then got taken away again.
Yeah sorry but if they didn't realise the deliberate mistake .. any excuses they had asking those lines evaporated when they pulled the exact same strokes all over again.
That leaves only one possibility.
That they know full well what they are doing and they are lying and they are cheating and on so don't leaving people's lives in ruins. Or leading them to death. For the sake of small amounts of financial help.
Bizarre then that those that commit and back up the lies are receiving amounts of money greater than those suffering in pain or mental torture by factors of ten or more.
Who gets to decide that this is OK to be paid these amounts from the taxpayers money while people suffering don't get any help or support at all.
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