WHAT DO YOU DO?

I've emailed a couple people and can't go to the Doctor's Surgery as it's New Year's Day.

Happy New Year by the way.

I feel like I have an idea but need to speak to my daughter, whose now worried about getting into trouble with social services because of me which I never intended.

I only wanted to help but I've spent £4,500 and possibly more since I've been here.

I don't know the area of the Wirral and my memory is not good. Want to sell my car but don't feel capable of that.

Also don't feel capable of many things, even leaving the house.

I have to go and see a damned Universal Credit Jobcoach tomorrow too that's been stressing me out.

At least I have some physical proof to show him and a hospital letter. God only knows if I'll make that next appointment?!

I feel I need to spend some time in some .. place .. for people with my condition but once again I don't know the area.

All that stresses me out .. I had a hard enough time in London .. but it's not homelessness that's stressing me out .. it's how low my savings have got, the strange area I don't know and .. well .. having to travel, believe it or not.

Just the thought of getting on a damn bus, of all things, is stressing me out.

It's horrible when you get this because almost everything stresses you out.

To be fair I am going through something that is extremely stressful anyway. It's widely known and accepted to be stressful.

I'm kind of praying that this does down when it's over .. but I'll still have the other things I mentioned.

It annoys me because I came here to help and having one, if not the, worst time of my life.

It also annoys me that this has only occurred because I've spent money because the authorities have not.

When you get a house here you get bare floorboards. No kidding. They didn't even paint in another house I looked at.

Appetite has gone too.

I'm also having those grey-outs with a couple dozen today with several being close to full black-outs. Several while standing on a chair trying to paint. I had visions of falling onto a very large bucket of paint!

There was this place back in London where you could stay for a few days. I wondered if I could find somewhere like that here?

I can't even remember who I contacted!

Oh .. one was called Pathfinder I believe. But I noticed a lot of places were either for young people or women. Makes me wonder whether it's rare for men to go through this or men are just neglected?

A hippy commune would be appealing right now.

Now you might understand why I'm so frustrated that the only drug that works on my condition of Fibromyalgia, sodium oxybate, is not allowed in the UK unless you have Narcolepsy.

I take three pills to handle this and they are not working. Sorry .. four .. bit I've been using the Diazepam sparingly because they hate giving the things out .. because they are apparently addictive.

I've probably been given half a dozen prescriptions I've the years just for that benzodiazepine  alone and never find them addictive .. just wanted more because they bloody worked. At the right dosages.

But my worst time is first thing in the morning and very early too. As I said I wake up with this damned anxiety and it makes no sense. When I wake up alone.

Loneliness probably has a lot to do with it too .. the thought of being here inn a flat on my own is suddenly .. off putting. But if it has to be in the coming days then it has to be.

Unless the brain works overtime at night .. we Fibromyalgia sufferers don't get restorative sleep anyway. So maybe that is a factor?

As for others .. nope .. being a risk to others is not only out of the question but also well known to those I have had to deal with in the past.

If anything I would happily give my life to save someone I cared about.

Torture, on the other hand, is something else.

But .. there is no simple answer to these kinds of issues.

Spoken to both my sister and one of my brothers on the phone.

They know the situation .. my sister thinks I should stick it out .. that it will get better and my daughter needs me. But I've lost my own .. what's the word? Freedom and access to my own .. plans. 

Well for now.

Also emailed my solicitor in London and explained what's happened,  even sent a photo.

Now after over a year of she got my Personal Independent Payment back that would be fantastic and the answer to all my prayers. Because I would get all my back payment and get back everything I've spent since I've been here.

I also paid for six months rent in advance .. so to get that back I need to stay .. without spending any more money. Well not large amounts.

So if anyone knows any places .. or hippy communes I'm all ears.

Oh the older Autistic child just broke a TV belonging to her brother .. everything break around here and food gets .. got at and flung around and also wasted ..

Hence why my money has gone down so fast .. buying them stuff and giving out money for food that probably just got wasted.

Always the older autistic one .. though the younger autistic one dies a bit of wasting while the youngest brother eats like there is no tomorrow. Never seen anything like it and he should look like a beach ball but he is like a rake.

What he does do though is move around the pace like a cat on a hot tin roof. Always bouncing and jumping even when watching TV and he is always being told to sit down and stop jumping on the chairs .. mainly because the younger girls of 2 and 3 years of age copy him. But .. he never listens.

The older of the Autistic children also wont go to sleep until after midnight .. which means if you want to get an early night .. you can't as she might flood the bathroom .. or drop your only box of cereal all over the floor in the kitchen .. or both.

It is one of dozens of reasons I set up the crowd funding pages.

I guess the financial hardships are hitting more people than I thought?