Things are somewhat … surreal.
I stand at a junction consisting of many, many roads.
For each I know not the destinations and some lead to dark places, very dark indeed.
Without a home, dead or dying are but some of the possibilities.
But I wonder on what to do despite having done so much and wonder on how strange it seems to attempt to carry on as normal during the interim.
In my life I have stood in a great many lines to unknown places that mostly have consisted of horrors and nightmares. I have typed, waited, plotted and planned on explaining all of this to as many others as I could. To bare all that I have experienced and endured. Along the way collecting what evidence, actions and inactions that I could and publish to a very wide audience.
Late 2015 I thought myself on the brink … a cusp of greater things and transformations to all that I know. Mid 2016 and none of this has occurred and I find myself back in familiar nightmares about to be played out yet again?
As I said … surreal.
Maybe this was an inevitability I simply did not foresee?
Perhaps it was always destined to be?
Would I have to relive the nightmares while I typed and posted to the wider global audience? Was it to be with the darkest possibilities waiting to unfold while being treated in the most inhumane ways before the wider public caught notice? Was this always the way that it would have to play out?
Dates race towards me with surprising velocity. Many things are imminent.
I do wonder that the diagnosis already made along with those to come while the public services exact their inhumanity might be so unique as to appear as the biggest shock to the wider audience?
After all making me homeless without good reason only provides the audience with the very real possibility that an attempt is made to shut things down that they fear and have done for a very long time. But doing so while in the cusp of revealing ever darker things should make this all the more horrid to those that bear witness.
For the longest time I felt my fate was already laid out for me while religious types remained convinced I had been given some higher purpose, against all my beliefs of my scientific mind.
There was the phone-call of the innocent voice of uncertainty.. Literally. I had been expecting this and it is three days later than I thought I would get it. My landlord!
Explaining the things that have occurred and the imminent dates to come his voice of disbelief could clearly be told. His voice rants off the attitudes off the public services as they think that all of society stands still and waits for them to get their acts together.
Dishonest … stubborn .. narrow minded … without compassion ... selfish.
The wider public are growing very weary of their attitudes and with every passing month I see ever more evidence that in time they will have no choice but to change. Or be deconstructed..forcibly so.
As for me I sincerely hope that when this event is over that fate, God or whoever is done with me … because I am done.
Anxiety may be at low levels but the fear that the stretched heart string, palpitations and wrenched nerves will return and that my ability to think or do deserts me as in the past?
I have still been told nothing of the fate of my belongings by Enfield Council and have asked them each time I have contacted them via email. In person I forgot both times as I did on the phone too.
Like I said … many things are imminent. September is going to be one of the worst and busiest months that my life has witnessed in many, many years. The most nerve wrecking too no doubt.
I feel the wind may be rising?
Thought has strayed to continuing on while being in the worst possible position imaginable to almost anyone. The actions against me may render the lack of feeling to my legs as permanent. I may be told I have only so long to live? To cap it all there is the possibility of being homeless to save money and make those responsible look good and keep their jobs longer?
What I find amazing is that no one thinks me mad any longer and every single one I have met see these actions for what they are. I hope naivety is not too widespread and this is how it is taken on the blogs where I publish this stuff. As one guy commented recently about those that remain doggedly naïve … that they would fall foul to these actions, or inactions, eventually.
Realisation suddenly come over me as I recalled a friend who died of a brain tumour a few years back, that was also something off a major surprise. What are the odds that this would happen twice to two friends?
I ponder the possibility that the winds might rise also? Will the ultimate sacrifice shock those that watch to their cores? Will the truth wash over them with such fervour that it acts like a catalyst and forces these watchers into action? Will the stories be told and the truth spread like a virulent disease? Might the actions and sacrifices finally get close to their intended destinations? Will some good finally come from all of this? Will change for the better start to take place akin to seeing the first signs of green leaves appearing in a barren wasteland?
Will it be remembered?
Like a storm rising fast and spinning with ever greater intensity will the people rise up and force those ultimately guilty out of their houses of death and onto the never ending roads?
Like a whirlwind in my mind that conjures up many possibilities and scenarios. Each one with an outcome that benefits all of mankind.
Will the evil that abounds fall upon the burning mounds? The naïve opening their eyes and banding together to root out all evil? Would mankind once again be allowed to move forwards and not sideways or back? Will we ever shed the beasts that lay within us?
Will I ever live long enough to see the fruits of my labours? Most probably and sadly not.
Ten days could be all that it takes?
The tunnel exit is stretched out before me and the light too blinding to see.
In the darkness the anxiety awaits.