Well I have gone back to waking up early.
Very little in the way of anxiety though. For now.
I did have a weekend with nothing really happening and ended up not going out Sunday at all, not even to get tobacco. I just could not find the drive to get out. Not that there was much I could do.
So now it is Monday morning on the 18th July and I have just a few days left before I have that blasted decision made for me and God knows how long before I get notified of it.
I only have two places I can visit locally and both are friends and I try very hard not to go there too much. Not one for wanting to even come close to overstaying my welcome.
It is 7.45am right now and I checked my emails without thinking of the time, lol. Of course there was not going to be any of the responses I am hoping for, asking me to come down or call them and then come down.
These limbo like periods really are the worst.
Of course now the weather decides to pick up now that I am all over the place and cannot think straight. I have been waiting to get out wit my two cameras filming whatever I can. One of these is a GoPro type camera for acquiring sub-aquatic filming and photographs. With that aquatic world opened up to me there was now a potential to spend the summer acquiring and uploading hundreds of new films I have not acquired before. This would have propelled my YouTube channel and two of my blogs much higher and therefore the traffic much higher too.
Best laid plans and all that.
I just hope I can find the inspiration and drive to get out and do something? Even if it is just a few times and I manage to acquire a dozen or so things to add to the collection.
I already have a shop singled out to sleep in but it is the case of panicking about my belongings and the council are supposed to store your stuff if they make you homeless but I have never done this before. That is if at all goes bad of course.
To get out with my cameras I am trying to think about travelling light and not pack up a big camera sling bag to go out, too much in the way of effort needed.
The GoPro type camera is small and the other one I have a small holster for, though I could not call the Nikon P900 small … exactly. But it is a holster and has a belt loop so I might be able to manage something … I hope.
I still think of the situation as weird and very unexpected as all of last year I had this picture of what 2016 would be like and it has turned out very different to how I thought it would, quite the opposite in fact.
I sometimes wonder how many people ave actually died because of situations like mine and how I now notice that it is never talked about or reported. I mean there must be mustn't there? Those that take their own lives, those that have heart failures or attacks? Maybe even those that die of exposure? Maybe even those murdered by someone in the middle of the night because they are out and exposed?
I mentioned about sleeping on park benches to a mate and he said “You do not want to do that. You don't know who is about!” lol.
Of ccourse I am still awaiting my second of two letters regarding hospital appointments.
I have also obviously asked myself about the outcome of these hospital referrals and not just about what the answer might be. Because I know that they have … lied about the test results in the past and on here someone in my arcchives are recordings of Doctors telling god awful lies and one specialist being confronted by me and admitting he lied about an ultrasound test result. It was easy to confront him because not only had I seen the monitor and that it showed two things but the man performing the test spoke about them. On black lump on my right side of my groin, where an inguinal hernia was repaired and pain was emanating from and a new but small hernia starting on my left groin. This second hernia was in fact .. predicted by the man that repaired the first one, a Martin Klein.
Now I would like to think that because I recorded them and because of these blogs they would not be so stupid as to try lying again about test results.
But then I did not think that the DWP would be so stupid as to single me out and come after me again and in such a stupid and backwards fashion too. Backwards because they are going after my Incapacity Benefit, yes I still get it, and therefore my Housing Benefit and yet not touching my Personal Independent Payments which is in effect my Disability Benefit. But they are doing it this way which is kind of … well backwards, for want of a better term.
Mind you I have since had a questionnaire regarding my Personal Independent Payments and despite the fact that they are 'Is this portion of your condition better or worse' questions you do have to wonder. Especially as reviews are normally every three years and it has been only eighteen months?
Of course as a result of the actions of another of their departments the answer to around 6 to 8 or more of the questions is 'harder'.
Therefore if they decide to cut or stop that benefit too then they would have made it damned obvious they have singled me out for whatever reason. This is eater a random singling out or it is because they want to stop me blogging about them.
Oddly if enough visitors to my blogs over the past four years had told enough people who had all visited my blog then this would not have ever happened.
Part of the reason for this is not getting a hold of some court paperwork I thought I was going to get at the end of last year. If, of course, there was any court paperwork at all. Some think there wasn't...no everyone now thinks there wasn't if I am honest!
Still, that was then and this is now and I have to concentrate, if I can, on staying on the right line, if there is indeed a 'right line'.
To confuse things further a friend of mine is going away, yeah I know could you possibly throw anything else in at this point right? The only thing is that when he goes away he is giving me a key to look after his animals. You might think a week is not too bad but is a lot to take on with everything that could happen to me. Well how about two week? A bit much? What about three?! I am not going to bother with four weeks and go straight to the crux of the matter that it will be 5 weeks and two days that he is away.
So with everything else that might be happening I have someone less around to talk to for five weeks and then have to worry about two Goldfinch Muels, a Budgie, a four foot aquarium, three ponds with frogs and toads in, one with Koi Carp in and a Snapping Turtle. Yeah … that Snapping Turtle there is a video of on my YouTube Channel. Oh yes and some Adult Fire Salamanders and over half a dozen your salamanders.
I think that is everything? Lol.
I have told him that I simply cannot go in every other day like I did when he was away last time, it really took a lot out of me and that surprised and worried me. There will be someone going in every other day but they are not really animal people and have a tough time looking after themselves by all accounts, well one of the two has difficulties.
It may sound really, really stupid that doing anything seems monumental and I agree, it is tupid to me too. I dare say anyone that has had anxiety attacks or Fibromyalgia may know where I am coming from and they would likely agree too.
After all getting out on my bike always helps me deal with things and has done for a along time, as well as giving me the light exercise needed for Fibromyalgia and if you did not know sitting on your backside with Fibromyalgia can be as bad as doing too much. Light exercise keeps things on a certain level whereas doing too much or too little has a very negative effect. On the pains, anxiety and depression you get with it and even my skin seems better once I am out on my bike every other day and have done that for a couple of weeks. Otherwise it starts to look like something from a horror movie and takes a load of pure tea tree oil to keep it down.
I used to think many years ago that it was UV radiation from the sunlight in summer that kept the skin conditions at bay but I now know it is the exercise, or rather cycling, that has an effect on everything.
As of right now I need to get some little twisted coils for my Kangertech Subtank Mini atomisers I use for vaping. I also have to take Java Moss from my aquarium to a friends store as I promised him 5 days ago. But the tasks seem monumental … or at least always do until I am out of the house for around ten minutes. Ten I will enjoy it to some degree and it will take my mind off things momentarily and if not for these things I would probably not get out of the house at all?!