THE FOUR LOCOMOTIVES

I lost the use of my legs today.

I will say that again, I lost the use of my legs today. Well more accurately my thigh muscles in both legs.

I have just had a visit from a paramedic after calling '111' as I just wanted to see if there was nothing … well, dangerous going on. After some questions I got told that '999' are now dealing with me and someone would be there soon!

I was a bit taken aback.

I had barely just written down my list of medications when there was, oops the nice paramedic just come back for some signatures and to leave me some test results, a knock at the door. Umm twice!

Lol!

Anyway the paramedic did an EKG and checked my pulse along with my blood pressure. Normal, high and high respectively. Surprise, surprise.

Anyway they thought it was nothing dangerous but asked me if I wanted to go hospital and I said no.

When the paramedic returned, Emma … I remember her name now, because I did not want to go to hospital she suggested a call back from a GP. Turned out that because my GP was still open, it was 4.57pm, they would have to ask them.

Now if I get back to what happened … it was very weird and extremely worrying as I thought I was losing the ability to walk or would do so very soon. I was actually watching a re-run of a Boxing match between Riddick Bowe and Evander Holyfield with a friend when it started to occur. He is into Boxing, not me but I knew the two Boxers from there fame alone.

Now yesterday afternoon and this morning I had absolutely no trouble .. well very little trouble from the anxiety and I thought it had died down for good? We had been out to drop his son off somewhere and went into a fishing tackle shop to buy some worms. Not for fishing. Everything was fine.

But some time after 1pm I started to feel something and then BAM! An anxiety attack hit me out of nowhere like a freight train! I simply do not know why. I was thinking of getting to … ooh there's my call back from my GP. Damn these guys have worked like lightning today.

I think they thought it might have been a stroke. I never mentioned it but the possibility had occurred to me and I meant to glance in my living room mirror when I got home and … can you guess what it is yet? Not meaning to sound like Rolf Harris, I forgot!

So I was watching this very impressive Boxing match when the anxiety hit me … hard and was quite a surprise. I was engrossed in the Boxing match at the time. It also become progressively worse and I started to feel my arms tingling which was not the first time. Only this time my legs started to tingle and I though 'oh that's weird'.

My left knee was bouncing up and down and swinging left to right like a blur, a friend told me years ago this was called Nervous Tension, whatever that is as I never looked it up. Then I started to notice something … my legs felt a little weird. A little wobbly. It got worse and to the point where I felt like I could barely feel them! Now this was getting surreal!

Anxiety then arrived to meet up with the anxiety that had already got there! I had thought how stupid it was feeling like this and how the anxiety was probably compounding the problem.

“Errrm, am I going to be able to walk!!” was the thought that suddenly struck me.

I turned to my friend and I said “I cannot feel my legs” to which he said “What?” I explained what I was feeling to him, he was a social worker for fifteen years so used to people with ailments. Plus he is Type 2 (or the worst one) Diabetic who used to awkward health situations.

The fight was at about the third round so I continued too focus on that and make remarks about how skilled the two fighters are, I love the martial art known as Wing Chun Kung Fu so I can get impressed by these things. At one point I remember feeling terrible as I thought I was going to have to ask my friend to phone for an ambulance. Well hey, a third anxiety train pulls in at the station! I then remembered I had an emergency appointment the next morning with my GP and then panicked in case I could not get there?! A fourth train arrives! When the fight ended at the end of the 12^th round and Riddick Bowe won, which had become obvious, I said “I gotta go!” and gathered my things. I must have looked wobbly because I remember my friend putting his arm out towards me.

I was most definitely wobbly!

I hobbled towards his street door and was wondering if I was going to be able to do this? I had to get clear cello-tape, printer paper and … hmmm, oh yeah deodorant on the way but I ended up deciding not to do that!

Great! The one time I remember things I need to get and something else stops me!

It was while hobbling home I thought that if I get stuck I will ring '999' but if I can somehow manage to get home I will just ring '111' to check and kept telling myself it would be gone in the morning. I bloody hope it does not get any worse!

But when I phoned '111' they sounded a little concerned and I thought 'oh feck!'. Next thing I knew I had a very pleasant and chatty paramedic at my door!

While I was waiting I thought I would do a check on-line to see if anxiety can be so bad that it can cause you to lose the feelings or use of the legs? I did find one forum that seemed to say that it can and does but many kept talking about something called Neuromyotonia I think it was? Or Isaac's Syndrome, great another bloody 'syndrome' to add to my collection, I thought. But looking through it did sound a little like Fibromyalgia, was apparently bloody rare and I decided it could not be that.

Wooo boy. This is somewhat frightening. I simply cannot live without the use of legs and I hope that it does not become extreme, permanent or even FREQUENT?!

I am a big fan of Family Guy and always think how horrible it would be to lose the use of your legs like that, despite how super nimble they make him.

I have always felt sorry for anyone confined to a wheelchair and due to my feet and leg pains have always had a deep seated anxiety that would happen to me and what would I do?! If it occurred out of the blue I would be on my own, no one to turn to.

Yeesh!

My God. How would it even affect someone at my age? Suddenly losing mobility completely? I imagine that anyone born with hit, or had it from an early stage would have gotten used to it in certain circumstances? When things do occur with me it does make me think of others and there difficulties. It is a major reason why I started blogging in the first place.

The anxiety has died down somewhat, how the hell does it do that? Come and go when it pleases?! Maybe it is because I have become worried about my legs, or more accurately my mobility, in some twisted way?

I am in a mess I was put in by a very cold and calculating public service that has left me with a mountain to do and a fight to … umm fight! Why is this happening?!

As I told the paramedic I am fiercely independent and do not like asking for help nor easily accept help of others. Not that I get offered that much but I do from certain individuals from time to time.

I also told the paramedic that now I am talking to someone the anxiety has died down, it can sometimes do that. Apart from today when it hit me while watching some famous Boxing match with a friend and while sitting down!

Good God, the human body can be such a bloody messy pile of … bits … and stuff! Such a dysfunctional mess. I envy other people, even when I was at the same friend's house the other day and he had a tennis match on … I would say the line judges standing there motionless and I feel soo jealous that they are able to do that!

In fact I see people just about anywhere doing just about anything and I get jealous of their normal … arse … ways!

That is how I stumbled across tranhumanism in the first place. Hmm did I get that right? 'Trans .. humanism'?

When will it end? Or just, when will it get easier?!

Ahhh just found the following site mentioning a symptom of Fibromylagia called 'Weak Shaky Legs', how original?

http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms/weak-legs.shtml