I was playing a game just now, a title called The Witcher 3.
I was killing some time as I am waiting for an evening delivery from Amazon. I am half way through the window they said it would be delivered. Fingers crossed.
I was out re-acquiring a GP letter earlier and I had to pick up two things, ended up three things, for the sorely needed replacement to my very faulty and very old smartphone, though I think of them as dumb phones, lol.
I was thinking throughout the day how weird anxiety is and it got me to wondering whether the odd things I experience are the same for everyone that experiences anxiety attacks?
What is so bloody weird about anxiety is how you can wake early in the morning and before your even fully conscious your getting these feelings of anxiety. How in the world does that work?
I mean to say how in the world does your brain even know how to feel anxious when your not even consciously remembering what it is you have been anxious about? You just wake up and it's like someone hitting you with club before you have even adjusted to the light! BAM! Just like that.
I have not had this in years and in all honesty I never thought I would ever get these attacks of anxiety ever again.
You see I had a number of things I achieved and a number of things that were going to happen but for some strange reason they have all failed.
For starters I managed to get back my disability money, though not the seven years they owed me and not the same rate as before either. On doing that I knew that despite my incurable and degenerative condition they would still review me in time. But this has always been three years. So I never expected any aggravation or the bullying of the DWP for another two years yet.
Now with that I had other things going on and other things I have been steadily growing that eventually would provide me with an income to get rid of those awful people that work for the Department of Work and Pensions and for good too! But this has taken a long time and though I am well over half way there I need more time to build it up as the ranges I can get to are minimal and with a mountain bike. Had I car these last four years I have been at this I would have been off the DWP long ago now.
Also there was the little matter of some court paperwork that was meant to come my way but did not and someone close to me just vanished into thin air.
I do not have the abilities I once have and cannot go off travelling and working out where they went and why the went into hiding. Well ... not without a car and money, lol. Same old, same old.
The funny thing is it was these anxiety attacks I got years ago that got me thinking about helping others and I even stated to a friend that ... I wonder if the Citizen's Advice might request my help at their branch? Once they realise and see everything I have done.
Damn it, just remembered a DWP letter I was meant to post on here ... umm I think I forgot to post it up ... or I did and forgot that I did.
Memory problems ... unless you have experienced them or have been unfortunate enough to have someone close to you experience them you have no idea what they are like.
Everyone I know has been told time and time again about memory problems but people think that because theirs works fine then yours does too. Very, very rarely is anything said or done and the memory loss ever taken into account.
For me and what I am capable of having the anxiety attacks in the first place was such a shock and what I got them over, what caused them, was such a shock too. Sometimes it is stupid things ... or to me normally stupid things at any rate. Like now ... I have had things taken away from me before by not just the DWP but fraudulent bailiffs too, committing crimes one hundred times greater than the ones that come to your home for! I wont be the only one that has noticed these unequal actions ... not by a long shot.
But once I had gotten over the anxiety attacks I felt extremely sorry for others that got them and even I with all my experiences wondered if there were people that were out there that experienced things far worse than I had?!
Though in all honesty many have committed suicide over many things that have happened to me and it is this and this alone that makes my set of horrid experiences kind of unique. But I am not naive enough to believe there cannot be others.
So with those thoughts I wondered whether I could hammer away on the pages of a blog and that this would become like a beacon or a lighthouse to others that had been through what I had? That I could tell them that I know what it is like and that I am trying to do something about it and give them some hope?
I find that getting out and trying to do things helps but I have had it so bad you do not want to move from the sofa ... normally tucked away under a blanket like Linus from Peanuts. Yeah it can get that bad if the right buttons are pushed.
Of course some years later and after numerous cries for help and drugs to Doctors and Psychiatrists and go and find out that the anxiety attacks are linked to almost everything else I was experiencing for over a decade ... Fibromyalgia Syndrome. I hate the word 'syndrome' because it means 'not fully understood' and I want to understand it. I have always wanted to understand it because I was desperate to control it and limit its effects. When I finally understood it enough to know what it was I needed I then found out that what I needed was in fact illegal ... in the UK. Not allowed by Europe which is bad enough on its own but Europe has absolutely no answer nor alternative to this drug of Sodium oxybate.
It did occur to me that leaving Europe that suddenly the best two drugs might become available? But this will not happen for two years until we are fully out, I imagine?