It is 7am.
I lie here nursing yet another broken heart.
How did this happen?
It has been fourteen years!
I have had a very solemn twenty four hours which only increased to levels beyond that I have known for a very, very long time. Well on the subject of love, that is.
Yesterday while I was out and about performing various chores while finally remembering to grab some caffeine laden tea for the first time in a week I remembered something from my past. It was something that when remembered was excruciating.
In my university days I had up something of a barrier. A barrier that had started to go up every now and then. I had got … talking to someone at the university … a woman … a very nice woman. Due to a fear that had started to build inside me by way of previous events I was a little too nervous. It caused me to make a stupid mistake. A very embarrassing one.
That was, my word, 18 years back now.
Remembering my mistake caused me to wince internally as if it was just yesterday. I had long forgotten that.
Last night I had a disturbing dream. It involved me falling in love and in my dream this was … simply bliss. I had not felt this for the longest of times. It was involving the woman I mentioned. In fact despite eerily familiar the lady in question was not from my history.
Maybe someone I had seen in the media I had thought was perfect? I do not know.
Just as bizarrely she was knocking on the door of a friend I lost several years back. She had asked for something and we went around to take what she had asked for, think it was pizza? Our eyes locked far too many times to be a coincidence and she enquired about me.
Upon leaving I had only gotten 100 yards and I had to go back … had to give her my number. She seemed overjoyed that I had.
We saw each other regularly and the passion and romance was like putting a match to a field of dried grass and the relationship consumed me and I was only too willing to let myself go. Not something I have done in reality for a very long time.
Then something happened that things are a little foggy about.
There was another guy at some point and we had not seen eye to eye on something. He was jealous of the exquisite beauty I was wrapped up in. He made a series of remarks about her while my back was turned and I noticed she was lapping it up just as she had done with me.
My heart severed down the middle from end to end when I realised that she simply loved attention and what I thought was love for me was nothing of the kind.
I started to wake up. Feeling another heartbreak taking place was likely too much and I had somehow jolted myself awake. As I was coming around there were further flashes.
Briefly I had fast forwarded in time to a point that my lady of exquisite beauty was alone and sad. I was bewildered by the picture in my dream. I delved deeper into this to discover that she herself had a broken heart. As I enquired into this realisation it became clear that her broken heart was over losing me.
I had been different. She had not realised this at the time. She had when I was gone.
I was awake.
I was nursing a broken heart.
How did this happen?
More importantly, why did this happen?
It is 7am.
Walls have little effect in dreams.
Quite why I have been through this 24 hour period of love recollections I do not know. I find it both bizarre and intriguing in a scary way.
I am days away from my life being rocketed skyward.
For many months afterwards a great many things will change. It will take six months to a couple of years before things settle down.
I then have to begin the process of repairing the long list of damages created by various public services they have spent twenty years destroying.
Some will be lengthy.
Some will be expensive.
Some things will be irreparable.
Many things I have divulged. Some things I have not.
But by the end of it all and by the precious little I hold dear I swear that they will all know and that they will have no room for manoeuvre and no where left to run.
The countdown has already begun.