Darkness...and silence.
Together they made the most formidable
opponents. Combined together at one moment of my life that brought me
to my knees. Never ending silence that together with the darkness
would create a powerful team to create helplessness beyond my darkest
nightmares. The words within my own head would boom away like a
thunderous storm. Pieced together the words created questions I could
not possibly know the answers to and yet ask I continued to do.
'Is everything OK? Are they both
alright?' Were repeated in my mind through an endless amount of
combinations. Like I cloak of morbidity these two entwined to create
the one moment of dark helplessness in my life that would sit with me
for the longest of times. It is likely the one key moment that
changed my path that would endure unto today and create the person
this blog speaks of.
The things that I do. The things I have
done. The things I will do but yet to achieve. Everything that
defines me comes right back to this moment. This room. This
enveloping darkness and unnerving silence...and the questions. Ooh
the questions. That was the day I discovered the feeling of
hopelessness and helplessness and the disastrous effect they had in
just a short period of time. It was luck that would smile upon me
that day. It was luck that meant that these feelings were to be only
endured for mere minutes that would feel like hours.
Still the silence endured. The darkness
enveloped. My head in my hands and my mind like that of a spinning, angry F5 tornado where instead of the flashing images of large
objects that tornado spins about its vortex mine were images of
memories and the darkest visions of the immediate future. Where and
for why oh why do the dark images come? Self protection to ready and
therefore steady my mind for the worst of possibilities? Likely the
case but it made not the task any easier to endure and continue it
did until a sound I now know to measure 100dB broke that silence.
The crying of a baby.
For where was I at this moment? The
darkest corner of a deserted maternity ward with no lights on
anywhere. Alone. To face my fears. That was a defining string of
moments I would never forget. The cry seemingly familiar and my mind
knew that it was that of my daughter and that she was OK. Suddenly my
mind took control of my body and I stood. My legs would then spark
into life as they ever so slowly propelled me forwards. Following the
cries I walked into a room with a new born child being held. The
child was a girl and she briefly opened her eyes and glimpsed at me
and the words 'yes look at, Daddy' filled the room.
After a complication that led to a lot
of concerned looks and a cesarean section I was put into a dark
empty ward for the birth of my daughter and those moments have stayed
with me ever since.
Nor have they ever been repeated.
I had emerged from the darkest corners
thinking that lady luck was with me that day. I thought myself smiled
upon from the Gods above that those feelings were not to endure for a
moment longer than they had. The three of had been gifted and no
moment would ever come to be anywhere near close to those darkest
moments.
A defining moment it may well be and of
course it also qualifies as to where it all began, where it all
started, so to speak. But I could not be more wrong. Oh so very wrong
I was. As this blog explains I was pushed to much darker corners than
this and for far longer a period to endure. Many mere mortals could
not survive as I had done and many have taken there lives before half
the period was complete. Many lost their minds too along the way and
still exist battling with mental health issues.
No I am not unaffected by it all, none
could be. But I do survive with the least amount of effect possible
for a mere mortal that possess empathy of any level. A victim of an
unjust and unfair system that cared not for justice or truth. I
emerged unscathed. It would change me in ways that were quite
unimaginable because I CHOSE to use it to make me stronger, smarter
and harder than anything that had gone before.
'A moaner' was what I was referred to
recently. I can understand that. But it be wrong. The anger, the dark
feelings, the sorrow and the despair must be felt for it must be
shown. Only the conveying of such darkness and one understand what
may lay in store for him, her or their loved ones.
But I control my anger and allow it to
boil when I need it and receded away when I do not. This is what
makes me different. This is why I could not hurt anyone and the very
reason that despite immediate frustration I do refer that my enemies
make bold their claims about me.
I am underestimated. It was always my
intention to be underestimated. Indeed my very victory with each
rests on the intention of being underestimated. They must think they
have the upper hand. They must think they are in control. They must
think me a nobody and therefore of no concern or threat. This makes
my job all the easier as time passes by. The longer they continue
with their false impression of the realities of the situation the
more I was handed the upper-hand.
It was indeed these things that made me
who I am today.
The unfair system and the darkness
along with the corners, silence and utter despair to the borders of
insanity and death is where it can push you. These are the places I
have been. My job and goal was to convey what I see and what I have
felt to one and all. To appeal to those with any empathy to see what
is true and what is right. Only when you have completed the picture
and therefore the puzzle can a society move onwards and upwards unto
the next level.
We are but held back. From a greedy few
with no care nor regards and without true ambition. They do not stare
at the stars with wonder and simply look at masses with oppression in
their minds. I long for the day that these dark figures can be cast
out of the societys that they continue to ruin.
It is these things I am aware and those
experienced that makes me so very dangerous to those that would be
the cause of such immoral actions towards their fellow man, while
thinking themselves are belonging to some imaginary higher calling of
beings, of which they are not. Not any higher than that of mere
insects and crustaceans that crawl and scurry beneath a large rock or
trunk of a tree. Because they cannot and do not resist that most
ancient of desires for they link to the mind and the brain of an
ancient instinct and therefore animal. They regress to the basic
wants and desires of a time long since forgotten. But they are self
convinced that this is the way it needs to be. The Earth will indeed
stopping spinning on it's axis if it were any different.
Nowhere you look is any different.
Almost all succumb to the ancient calling. As a result many suffer
greatly. Allowed to go unpunished by groups still striving to not
give in to these ancient desires. But this very resistance of the
primary act of evil allows that evil to thrive.
Emerge I did from the darkest of
corners. Here I am. Here I stay and I have no intention of being
anywhere else...until my job is done.
Bring it on.
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