Well I hope it is pretty self-explanatory and has been from the information I have provided long before now but doubters were a great deal closer to home, you might say, early on in all this.
This was annoying as well as hurtful and forced me to keep back a great deal of my ailments, experiences as well as my plans.
It did not matter what anyone said and the same goes for what anyone thought, either close to me or far further afield with people I had not even spoke to and that includes the Internet!
What mattered to me was the truth in each area and on each occasion and my long secretive search for it would go on for a very long time and it was this very lengthy nature of it all that infuriated me most. The powers that be are in positions they should be honoured to hold, not falling over each other to stab each other in the back to get to hold when their opposing force has been in that enviable place for now more than 5 minutes.
Meanwhile people left in the dark and even those unaware they had been left in the dark suffered miserable lives because of it and if EVER there was evidence of that then I am the living and breathing embodiment of this along with those around me.
To say that others have been unaffected that are close to me would be to lie. To say that they themselves are not without their own strife and darkness would be to lie too. Now IF I had their permissions their could be a great deal I could refer to but I could not tell all and it is not and will not be my place too.
Whether or not these facts known or not to me ever see the light of day for others to see or read about during this new year of 2013 remains to be seen. For this will be their decision when the time comes.
Despite all the negative comments stated to me over the time I have endeavoured to do this I could not take them into consideration. These were my ailments, my horrors and therefore MY story to tell. It became apparent over the longest time then with holding these things did not do me any favours and my situation only worsened every so often because of it. I had journeyed down a great many avenues but with each came a dead end combined with a lack of understanding, a lack of care and a lack of compassion. Maybe in this unforgiving world familiarity has proved to breed the proverbial but I for one was never going to join in because I was losing. I would NOT become the totally self centred human being I seem to see in the world 90% of the time and neither was I willing to be an uncaring and absent father, even if I had been shoved into this position by people that think they know all.
It was being forced into the absent father role and along with the accusations that existed on file to this day that I was a child beater, with my daughter being 14 months old at the time, that spurred me on to know that one day in a very long time to come I would rise from the ashes and take down a great deal of powers along the way that ever got in my way.
I had long, since seen the trick and long since been the victim of lies and conspiracy by local councils so much so that the pattern became all to familiar. In my times of being embroiled with the Police and the NHS, among others, these patterns returned to present themselves to me once again. Initially I could not face up to the fact that these two organisations could be party to this kind of act towards the public and therefore nor could my conscious mind permit it to be a possibility. So I could argue that because of this it took an inordinate amount of time combined with the horrors thrown at me.
There were times when i never thought I would come through it and many a time I have wanted to take my own life in the past but that time has long since past. For sometime now I decided that absolutely no one and no matter how big nor how powerful was going to better me in this ultimate of tests. Never would I allow them the satisfaction of knowing that their tricks were so clever that I would be forced to take my own life.
So you see with people I have met that have come close to this kind of reality I DO understand, people I have met face to face and those I have befriended on Facebook, Graham, Helen and Margaret, will read this and realise that I understand pain that can push you to go beyond that boundary. As much as this might seem on face value those that read this that think they know while not actually being pushed to that point themselves personally will no nothing of it.
For taking ones life is not the only factor that one considers when you are pushed to your limits but rather it is those that you leave behind, whether they deserve to be or not. I have lost members of my family and I have lost friends and in more ways than you can ever imagine. When you are choked to tears yourself only to glance around the room to see the utter pain it causes others only makes it worse upon oneself and in this instance it becomes infections. A downward spiralling looping effect that you cannot grip even with both hands and when your as hard headed as I have been all my life it comes as somewhat of a shock.
These days it hurts just as much buy handling it tends to be somewhat easier likely because your familiar with those raging and out of control emotions so with each time it becomes easier to control because you know what is coming. For others this is NOT the case at all and in inevitably ends up with a horrific and melancholy conclusion.
Then there are those of us that do not understand that we are in contact with and then there are those that do NOT want to understand or others that make jokes about it until it goes too far. I have seen and experienced it all and have emerged from the other side, mostly unscathed. I state unscathed as I have over time managed to shrug off those things that pulled me down into the depths of despair somehow. Maybe my mind closes these things off in a sealed box and places them in the back of my mind, metaphorically speaking of course. Who knows what the real truth is and i for one do not claim to but I may be able to explain it all before too long. I can certainly do a far better job than many of the professionals I have spoke to.
I can tell you one thing and that is that the answer does not lie within a book. The answer is not to be found within the mind of a mental health professional and it is not found in a temple or a church. With each and every answer it is different either ever so slightly or grandly so. I found mine and it is high time that Doctors realised this so they can help their patients find theirs.
So I emerge from the mire to find my country and the world at large falling apart around me. I take close notice and close scrutiny as to why the insane sounding predictions I made are coming about. I listen to the reasons given and I watch as those that are spoken to provide their answers to solutions but I do not hear them. It is I am rendered deaf instantly. For how can those that led us into this mess suddenly have all the answers on how to get us out? With this in mind it should come as no surprise that to listen to this is of the greatest possible insult to a human being's ears.
This is not a game and it has been too long you and other governments in power have been treating it so. To me it has been no different to a humongous game Roulette that has gone on for years with the greedy hands of fate grabbing at whatever they can and leading us to an eventual and ever prolonged doom. People lives and their pain, dreams, wants and fears are not elements of a game that can be toyed with to keep the powerful entertained. They are lives and regardless of who it is they are fragile and there is one fact that has long since vanished from the societies that I thought I knew...
...they used to be precious!
So my methods and ways might seem extreme to many but at least I am trying to do something! I am not kicking other people off the bus because I feel that I am more important and deserving because I have a walking stick. I do not moan when I am barged of the way because women with prams who have just rammed me in the town think they have right of way and no need for courtesy because they have prams. Nor do I plead anything on here in the hope that something would happen with the public at large like that in the film It Could Happen to You with Nicholas Cage and Bridgette Fonda?! No this blog is here because here in the UK that mentality, that soul and that compassion for others has ceased to be.
I would just not mind seeing it's return is all.
I have a daughter. I have two grandchildren. I do not want to see them go through a life that I have experienced and hence WHY I stated previously on this blog that I told my daughter that I WAS SORRY to bring her into the world and the mother that she ended up with.
The amount of tears that many of my stories bring on in women face to face with eyes wide in horror are more than I could ever remember.